More Than Just The Nails

I know You

I've seen You all my life

Figure on a crucifix

Death without a fight

You're hanging there upon a cross

Just by Your hands and feet

The picture's clear

But the story's incomplete

So what was it

That led you to that tree?

What made You lay Your body down

To save someone like me?

Cause though it's true

I know that You were God inside a man

So I guess sometimes it's hard to understand

You saw me

I guess You must have known

My life would be in darkness

So You and You alone would bear the stripes

The crown of thorns

And all humility

Lord, I see myself

But it's hard for me to see

I don't deserve Your mercy

Still You love me just the same

You died for me

And yet it's hard to know

What held You on the cross

When You could have walked away?

I see what You have done

And I just have to say

What held you on the cross

Was more than just the nails

With all the pain and suffering

And all that You had lost

Your love for me could only be

What held You on the cross

("What Held You on the Cross," by Michael O'Brien)

I am a klutz; this is no secret. I am constantly tripping over non-existent obstacles. I've had my share of falls, and plenty of scars to show for it. Toward the beginning of the Spring 2010 semester at MACU, I was headed to work and running a little late, so I was literally running. As I rounded a corner, my outside foot slid over the light dusting of sand that coated the pavement, and I fell hard, catching myself with both hands. The result of this tumble was a dime-sized wound on the palm of each hand, which bled profusely and hurt terribly. I took time and care cleaning them out and bandaging them up when I got back to my dorm room; they were a painful nuisance for several weeks before they healed up, and all I have left to show for that adventure is a pair of pink scars.

However... every time I wash my hands or put on a ring or bracelet, I see them... and I think of another pair of hands; hands that bore the marks of being nailed to the cross.

"For I bear on my body the brand marks of the Lord Jesus--the wounds, scars, and other outward evidence of persecutions--these testify to His ownership of me."

-Galatians 6:17, AB

The scars on my hands call to mind another memory from later on in the semester, just before Easter break. One of the girls' hall's weekly devotional meetings was very unique; not something I am likely to forget. Each girl was given three nails, and we were told that we would be standing with a nail held in each extended hand--and one held between our feet--for thirty-three minutes; one minute for every year of Jesus' incarnation.

Those thirty-three minutes were difficult and painful; we were all encouraged not to lower our arms, and to let the burn of our muscles serve as just the barest trace of a reminder of the pain and suffering of the cross Christ endured for our sake. It was not difficult, standing with arms outstretched as if nailed to a cross, to focus my thoughts on the cross. The lyrics to "What Held You on the Cross," by Michael O'Brien filled my mind.

Love is what held Jesus on the cross. Crazy love. Love beyond reason. God is madly, desperately in love with us. I have written about the love of God before, but never with adequate words; I don't think that's possible. Jesus wept, sweated, prayed and bled for us. All authority in heaven and earth had been given Him before He went to the cross (John 13:3, NLT); He could have called upon more than twelve legions of angels, which the Father had put at His disposal (Matthew 26:53, NIV); He could have come down from the cross and saved Himself (Mark 15:30, NIV); He could have walked away... and yet.

"Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn't, and doesn't, wait for us to get ready. He presented Himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn't been so weak, we wouldn't have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering His Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to Him."

-Romans 5:6-8, MSG

Choices

Even though you knew the lines

You'd have to cross for me

You made them anyway

Voices, as you knelt there in the garden

'Neath the olive tree

You heard me call Your name

I cannot pretend to understand it all

But heaven knew the reason You were there

Helpless

That's humanity without Your saving grace

So misled

Selfless

You could have called ten thousand angels

Down to take Your place

But you took mine instead

I cannot pretend to understand it all

But heaven knew the reason you were there

A greater love has no one than this

That He would lay His life down for His friends

It was all about a Man

It was all about a cross

It was all about the blood that was shed

So I would not be lost

It was all about a love

That was bigger than a life

It was all about the freedom that was given

Through Your sacrifice

'Cause You would rather die

Than to ever live without me

("To Ever Live Without Me," by Jody McBrayer)

God's love is not passive; He is always the one to take the initiative. God is a hopeless romantic when it comes to wooing and winning the hearts of men. Such reckless, risky, bold love demands a response in kind. The love of God blows me away, and the question that echoes in my mind and heart is this: How do I respond to a love like this? How could I possibly reciprocate something so incredible? Unable to answer this question myself, I turn to Scripture:

"Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with Him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of Himself to us. Love like that."

-Ephesians 5:1-2, MSG

"Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another."

-1 John 4:11, NASB

"Love your neighbor as yourself."

-Matthew 22:39b, NIV

"Love your enemies."

-Matthew 5:44a, NIV

These words sharpen the ache in my heart; a deep longing stirs there. I must learn to love like this. I hesitated to include that last verse, because for me it comes with the sting of conviction--yes, I have some work to do there. God loves even my enemy in the way that I have tried to understand and describe. Therefore, as impossible as it is for me to do on my own, with the power Christ gives me I must learn to love them too. This will be hard and painful, but I think that in the end it will bring healing. I came across a quote the other day that just won't leave me alone, which I will share as my concluding thought:

"I have found the paradox that, if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."

-Mother Teresa

A Time to Be Silent

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be silent and a time to speak."

-Ecclesiastes 3:1 & 7b, NIV

God thinks He is very funny. Seriously; He asks me to do something that seems crazy, and I roll my eyes toward heaven and say, "You want me to do what?" And He laughs at me. Not in a patronizing or condescending way, but in a knowing way, with a twinkle in his eye. I love God; even when He's laughing at me. I smile.

In March I began a daily Bible reading plan that will take me through the Bible in a year; I've done this before, with a New International Version, so this time I decided to act upon the advice of a guest speaker to my Ministry Formation class and read the Bible as if I had never read it before. To accomplish this, I chose to take my daily readings from The Message. It's been refreshing, to say the least. I was working through the book of Exodus when I came across the passage that describes Israel's crossing of the Red Sea (the end of chapter 13 and all of chapter 14, if you're interested).

To preface, God has just brought the entire nation of Israel out of slavery in Egypt in spectacular fashion, and they've encamped at Pi Hahiroth (I know, cool name) as instructed. No sooner have they done this than Pharaoh decides to pursue the Israelites in the hope of recapturing them; this presents something of a problem, as the Israelites have encamped at a place hemmed in by the sea--there is nowhere to run. Terrified, the people hurl angry and desperate accusations at Moses and bemoan what they believe to be their certain death. Reading Moses' response to their cries astounded me; for several minutes my eyes were fixed on this verse:

"The LORD will fight for you while you keep silent."

-Exodus 14:14, NASB

What a strange piece of advice. Though their situation was desperate, the Israelites were instructed neither to flee nor to fight, but to be quiet and wait for what God was about to do. And God did it--He parted the waters of the Red Sea and brought the nation of Israel through on dry ground. When the Egyptians attempted to pursue them, God crushed them with the collapsing walls of water. Moses and Miriam wrote a song about it (chapter 15, if you're interested).

So... what does this story have to do with me? This story spoke to my heart, because for me, this is a summer about trusting God; trusting Him to do what I cannot. Trusting Him to bring me through. Through careful self-examination and much prayer, my fiance and I have decided to keep seventy days of silence as far as the other is concerned; we're each going to seek God's will, being quiet and waiting before Him, while having no contact with each other at all. It's day three... and already ridiculously hard. God's instructions don't seem to make much sense; but I know that He is fighting for us. We love because He first loved us... and just for a little while, God wants each of us all to Himself; He has something that He wants to say.

When I was thinking about writing this blog post, I was reminded of another passage of Scripture, this one from 1 Kings (chapters 18 and 19 provide context). To preface, Elijah has been pursued and harried by the murderous pagan queen, Jezebel, and has fled from her into the wilderness. In desperation, Elijah begs God to let him die in the desert; however, God has other plans. He sends Elijah to stand before Him on Mount Horeb, telling him only that He is about to pass by.

"As the LORD was passing by, a fierce wind tore mountains and shattered rocks ahead of the LORD. But the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind came an earthquake. But the LORD wasn't in the earthquake. After the earthquake there was a fire. But the LORD wasn't in the fire. And after the fire there was a quiet, whispering voice."

-1 Kings 19:11b-12, GW

For what must have seemed to Elijah to be an eternity, God's coming was heralded by the resounding clamor of the forces of nature. But it was into the stillness after the storm, into the silence, that God finally spoke. I imagine that the prophet's ears must have been ringing, his pulse pounding, after that terrifying display. And yet his ears were pricked; he was listening intently, and he heard the quiet, whispering voice when at last it came. Oh, that I would be so attentive to the voice of God! Oh, that I should be able to say, as the prophet Samuel did when he was only a boy:

"Speak, LORD, for your servant is listening."

-1 Samuel 3:9b, NASB

What does it mean to listen to the voice of God? During this season of silence, I am devoting myself to answering that question. I am immersing myself in Scripture this summer, reading and memorizing. I am reading a lot of good Christian books by authors new and old. I am listening to good music. I am going to church a lot. I am working on growing and developing my relationships. I am seeking opportunities to serve. But mostly I am trying to quiet my heart and be still before God. He is about to do something great. I have no doubt that these seventy days will grow and change me in ways I cannot even begin to imagine.

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary

When troubles come and my heart burdened be

Then I am still and wait here in the silence

Until you come and sit awhile with me

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains

You raise me up to walk on stormy seas

I am strong when I am on Your shoulders

You raise me up to more than I can be

("You Raise Me Up," by Selah)

How Do You Measure a Year?

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights; in sunsets

In midnights and cups of coffee

In inches; in miles

In laughter; in strife

In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

How do you measure a year in the life?

How about love?

Measure in love

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

Five hundred twenty-five thousand journeys to plan

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

How do you measure the life of a woman or a man?

In truth that she learned

In times that he cried

In bridges he burned

In the way that she died

It's time now to sing out

Though the story never ends

Let's celebrate/remember a year

In the life of friends

Remember the love

Measure in love

Oh you've got to remember the love

You know that love is a gift from up above

Share love, give love, spread love

Measure your life in love

("Seasons of Love," from the musical, "Rent")

There's so much I could say... but I hardly know where to begin. Time is an enigma. It can be measured mathematically, but its impact is far more complex. While on the one hand it seems as though the year has flown by, on the other it seems that too much has happened to be contained in the span of one year. My mind and heart have been very full these past two weeks, as I've looked back on the year and looked forward to the future.

I have learned a great deal this year. I've loved being here, at MACU. I've loved my classes; I've received invaluable training for my future ministry. I've loved my professors, who have worked with me and talked with me and who have expressed genuine interest in both my immediate and long-term goals. And here's a shout-out for Dr. Reese, my advisor and MACU's Cross-Cultural Ministry professor--he's the man.

There is a difference, however, between what I came here for--a Biblical eduction and cross-cultural training--and why I came here. There is only one answer to the why: God's will and plan. I felt the specific call to MACU, though at the time my why was very pragmatic. God paved the way for me to be here even before I thought I might want to be! I came here to learn what it took to be a missionary, and I have begun to learn that, and learn it well. God, however, had His own purpose in bringing me to MACU; as always, His plans and purposes far exceed my own. He is able to do immeasurably more than I could ever ask or imagine.

LOVE.

That word makes my heart skip a beat; makes the blood pulse in my ears; brings a lump to my throat and the sting of tears to my eyes. Oh, how He loves me. God has romanced me this year; He has taught me about His love and grace in ways I can hardly describe. The things He has revealed to me sound ridiculously simple when put into words, but God's word colors them with rich shades of meaning:

God loves us.

"For God so greatly loved and dearly prized the world that He even gave up His only begotten, unique Son, so that whoever believes in, trusts in, clings to and relies upon Him shall not perish, come to destruction or be lost, but have everlasting, eternal life."

-John 3:16, AB

Love God.

"Love the Lord God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence and energy."

-Mark 12:30, MSG

Love one another.

"My dear, dear friends, if God loved us like this, we certainly ought to love each other. No one has seen God, ever. But if we love one another, God dwells deeply within us, and His love becomes complete in us--perfect love!"

-1 John 4:11-12, MSG

When I think of the way God has loved me this year, the way my dear, dear friends--my comrades in arms; my brothers and sisters in Christ--have loved me, and the way I have loved others, I could weep for the sheer joy and beauty of it. Our prayers have been answered; our hearts have been knit together in love. Our love for one another flows out of our love for God, and His for us. We have held each other, physically, emotionally and spiritually. We have laughed and wept and fought and prayed together; this is true fellowship. We have each other's backs; we encourage and exhort. As often as it possible, and as much as we are able, we are there for one another. I have many memories to cherish. Oh, I will miss my friends this summer!

This year has changed me in more ways than I have words. How do I measure it? In mistakes made? In lessons learned? In good conversations? In smiles or tears? In jokes and laughter? In adventures? In quiet times? In hugs and kisses?

No.

In love.