To Shame the Strong

There you go again

Putting on that smile again

Even though I know you've had a bad day

Doing this and doing that

Always putting yourself last

A whole lot of give

And not enough take

But you can only be strong so long

Before you break

So fall

Go on and fall apart

Fall into these arms of Mine

I'll catch you

Every time you fall

Go on and lose it all

Every doubt, every fear

Every worry, every tear

I'm right here

Baby, fall

(Fall, Clay Walker)

The past several weeks have been crazy. I've never been so emotionally all over the place in my life. My dominant emotion, however, has been fear. Experiencing the culture shock of coming to school here at MACU has opened my eyes to a weakness in me that I did not know existed. I had buried it so deeply and hidden it so well that it took a complete removal from my natural habitat in order to bring it out into the open. And so the word of God is found to be true again:

"There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known."

-Luke 12:2

I AM AFRAID TO LET PEOPLE GET TOO CLOSE. There; I've written it and published it for all the world to see. I am a very social person, and I like people, but very few people know more than my surface level. Most of my circle of friends know only the shiny exterior of my personality. The few people who know me more intimately have some idea of what goes on in my head, but even to them I present a strong and collected front, carefully keeping them at arms' length, lest they look too closely and see what I'm trying to hide.

I'm standing in a crowded room

And still I stand alone

No one seems to notice me

I am on my own

But I know that they are watching

And I know that they can see

And I have to be careful

Or they might catch a glimpse of me

The real me

Who tries to be invisible

The real me

Who stands in the background

Pretending not to be

The real me

(The Real Me, a song I wrote years ago)

I had never realized how desperately lonely I am. Even when I am surrounded by people, loneliness shrouds my soul. I am lonely, I think, because I am always hiding. I have become proficient at projecting a strong and confident persona even when I am trembling inside and almost in tears. Its as though I am two people. One of those people is a mature Christian who knows the truths of God's word and loves him with all her heart. The other is a frightened, sobbing five-year-old girl who isn't sure of anything.

I am not gentle with that young and tender part of my heart. I frequently order her to shut up and grow up and leave me alone. She is an inconvenience. I must drag her along, whining and crying, no matter where I go. Isn't it a terrible thing, to hate a part of yourself? You cannot get away from yourself! I wonder what would happen if I treated that part of myself the way I try to treat everybody else, not as a burden or as an annoyance, but as a human being with legitimate feelings and fears. I am not made of stone, however much I would like it to be otherwise.

I've been amazed by the number of people here at school who have seen through my facade. They don't let me hide behind my sage advice and big vocabulary words. Even if they have to drag it out of me, they get me to admit my fears. Those fears are more deeply rooted and more numerous than I could have ever imagined. I think, in some ways, I've thrown myself into doing big things for God so that I would not have to look at all the small fractures in my life.

I am a flawed piece of Waterford Crystal that has somehow made it almost to the end of the line. I reflect the light beautifully, but that flaw (hidden so well) is going to make me crack later on in my life. Luckily for me, the crystal is put through a series of tests, and if it fails even one, it is sent back down the line, crushed and remade. I have failed a test at last, and now God can break me down and remake me... one more time.

"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong."

-1 Corinthians 1:27

The hardest thing for me is resisting the urge to hide my weaknesses. However, it is through my weaknesses that God's strength will be most gloriously displayed.

There's no such thing as perfect people

There's no such thing as a perfect life

So come as you are, broken and scarred

Lift up your heart and be amazed and be changed

By a perfect God

(Perfect People, Natalie Grant)