You've been looking back
And all you can see is everything you wish you could take back
A world of regrets
All of those moments you would rather forget
I know it's hard to believe
Let me refresh your memory
Yesterday is history
And history is miles away
So leave it all behind you
But let it always remind you of the day
The day that love made history
You know you can't stay
Right where you fell
The hardest part is forgiving yourself
But let's take a walk into today
And don't let your past get in the way
Would you believe that you are history in the making?
Every choice that you are making
Every step that you are taking
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making
Every word that you are saying
Every prayer that you are praying
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making
("History," by Matthew West)
"Therefore I will always remind you about these things, even though you already know them and are standing firm in the truth you have been taught. And it is only right that I should keep on reminding you as long as I live."
-2 Peter 1:12-13, NLT
I think of my life as a story, and as the New Year approaches, I find myself looking over the past year in much the same way I would thumb through the pages of a well-loved and much-read book. So much has taken place over the course of a single year! There have been many milestones, and so much growth. I have shared laughter and tears in abundance. I have stumbled and fallen many times, but God in His infinite mercy and grace has never failed to lift me up again.
"May you never forget what is worth remembering, nor ever remember what is best forgotten."
-Irish Blessing
However, even with my new understanding and appreciation of grace, it is still so easy to give way to despair when I look back on the dark periods of this year. There's no way around it, no way to avoid the painful fact that I fell hard this year, no escape from the regret. I appreciate and even cherish the lessons learned through those difficult times, but I cannot help but wish I were not so stubborn that I had to learn them the hard way!
Even as I write this paragraph, tears fill my eyes. They are hot tears; frustrated, angry tears. Each memory is like a whiplash, but I do not stop turning them over in my mind, because I feel that I deserve that pain. But even as I try to inflict this heart-wrenching punishment on myself, a nail-pierced hand descends on my shoulder, and I turn to fall into arms stretched as wide as the east is from the west. It is on the shoulder of Christ that these tears are spent.
He took my punishment, which I do indeed deserve, on Himself. He paid the debt, once for all. Every sin I have committed, and every sin I will ever commit, is already covered by His blood. Though my heart may ache at these memories, His was broken for me.
"This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as a atoning sacrifice for our sins."
-1 John 4:10, NIV
And so my Savior, my love, brushes the tears from my cheeks. I can see the love in His eyes. He holds out His hands and asks me, one more time, to hand over these regrets. Tremblingly, I do so, and one more time He does what I cannot do for myself and throws them all to the wind. What awesome love, what stunning grace, that will not permit me the pain of regret, however well-deserved.
I understand that these memories will remain, like scars. The wounds will heal, yes, but they will leave a permanent mark. I have been forgiven; I am forgiving myself. But I cannot forget... and perhaps I am not supposed to. As I sit here at my keyboard, embraced by God, I begin to understand that I am to remember, but not regret.
"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."
-James 1:2-4, NLT
My favorite thing to do when reading a boring or difficult chapter in a book, is to flip to the end and skim a few pages, just to see how everything works out. It is always encouraging to me; though I do not know all the story in between, just knowing that it works out in the end is enough. This 'preview,' if you will, invigorates me as a reader, and I eagerly plunge back into the difficult chapter, so that I can get on with the story.
I'm doing something similar with the story of my life. Just by skimming the good things God has in store for me, I gain the strength to press forward and endure right now.
"History never looks like history when you are living through it. It always looks confusing and messy, and it always feels uncomfortable."
-John W. Gardner
My life is history in the making. One day I will look back on where I am right now, and I will be able to see everything that I could not when I was still living in the moment. On that day, I will be able to say that it was worth all the pain. Until then, I will hold to that hope.
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