The Battle for Helms Deep

"So if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!"

-1 Corinthians 10:12, NIV

How often I have read this verse and shuddered! There is a certain temptation that torments me like Paul's thorn in the flesh; its usual method of attack is a daily assault. It can begin the moment I awaken, or even before, and often continues throughout the day into the night. I get no rest and no peace; I am constantly fighting. I become so weary during these seasons of hard fighting; I use up all my strength, and I lean on my comrades, and I desperately cry out to my God. He is pleased to give me the victory.

However, this temptation also has a subtler form of attack. When I have been victorious over this temptation for a long while, I begin to feel secure. I begin to believe that I have beaten it, or become immune to it, or that I have risen above it. Worse, I begin to become complacent. I let my guard down; I no longer think that I need the strong defense system I've built up, so I stop maintaining and bolstering it. I stop fighting. Somehow, I forget the solemn warning of St. Peter:

"Keep a cool head. Stay alert. The Devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping."

-1 Peter 5:8, MSG

I believe that Paul's warning to the Corinthian church was sound; it is precisely when I think that I am standing firm--that I have at last reached a secure place where I can lay down my armor and sword and get some shut-eye--that temptation attacks me hardest and swiftest. It has lain in wait for precisely this moment; the ambush has been set. And time and again, I walk right into the middle of it and expose my weakness. Often, I do not realize I am doing this. Like King Theoden of Rohan, I might even believe I am retreating to the safest possible stronghold:

"Saruman's arm will have grown long indeed if he thinks he can reach us here."

-Theoden, speaking of Helms Deep, from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Theoden knows that no enemy force has ever breached the Deeping Wall of Helms Deep, nor set foot in the Hornburg. It is the strongest refuge the king knows, and his pride will not permit him to consider the advice of his rescuer, Gandalf, nor his loyal and trustworthy compatriots, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli. He is king. He knows what is best for his people. Never mind that he has just been released from a long bondage to the powers of evil, has not regained his former strength, and knows nothing of the present situation. He decides to lead his people in retreat to the familiar and time-tested Keep; preparations for the flight to Helms Deep begin. He refuses even to call for aid, believing that no one will come. This decision is a mistake that would cost Rohan many lives.

The White Wizard Gandalf, knowing the trouble that lies ahead, takes his swift horse Shadowfax and rides hard after the Rohirrim, Theoden's faithful warriors, whom the king believes to have abandoned and forsaken him. Gandalf leaves a bemused yet believing Aragorn with these prophetic words:

"Look to my coming at first light on the fifth day. At dawn, look to the east."

-Gandalf, speaking to Aragorn, from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

And so begins the epic of the battle of Helms Deep... and so begins the fall. The temptation that besieges me is something that I have only recently broken free of; it used to control me, wreaking havoc on my life and my relationships with God and others. It filled my thoughts and dictated my habits.

"By what a man is overcome, by this he is enslaved."

-2 Peter 2:19b

Through Christ's power, and the prayers and help of friends, I was freed of this temptation's control some time ago. But it did not die; it merely retreated, waiting for an opportune time to attack me again. The opportune time comes, again and again. Sometimes I stand, and sometimes I fall. Always God lifts me again, through scripture, music, and the encouragement of my friends. I gain a little strength... and that's where the real, more subtle danger creeps in. I begin to say, "I know," when my friends remind me of God's truth. I begin to say, "Been there, read that, know it," when I read God's word. I stop trusting in Him and begin to trust in myself. And I make very poor decisions as a result.

Stand up, stand up for Jesus

Stand in His strength alone

The arm of flesh will fail you

Ye dare not trust your own

("Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus," by George Duffield Jr. & George J. Webb)

Though they know the danger, and that Theoden has made a poor decision, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli remain faithful and true. They follow the king to Helms Deep, ready to fight and die along with him and alongside the warriors and people of Rohan. They voice their doubts to one another, but still they stand steadfast in their willingness to aid king Theoden in the battle to come. Help arrives just in the nick of time from an unexpected source when the host of the Eldar, led by the elf Haldir of Lorien, comes to Rohan's aid. The force allied with Theoden and arrayed against his enemy is strong.

My friends are as faithful. I know that they fight for me, even when they can see me heading the wrong direction. They warn me, but even when I do not heed them, they grimly set their faces and stick with me.

"Well, lad, whatever luck you live by, let's hope it lasts the night," [Gimli said gruffly, glancing up at Aragorn.] [Legolas, eyes fixed straight ahead on the advancing horde of Urak-Hai, pledged,] "Your friends are with you, Aragorn." [Rolling his eyes, Gimli muttered to himself,] "Let's hope they last the night."

-Dialogue, my words in brackets, from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

My friends and accountability partners all have struggles of their own; some share the same struggles and wrestle with the same temptations. We all face the same Enemy. And even when we're not sure if we're all going to stand or fall, we still come alongside one another. Even when we cannot find the strength to stand up for ourselves and do what is right, our love for each other gives us strength enough to labor in prayer and do battle with the forces of evil--to intercede for and encourage one another; to speak words of truth in love.

With the enemy at the gates of Helms Deep, the men and boys prepare themselves for battle, checking armor and weaponry. Aragorn himself tests the weight and balance of one young warrior's sword, proclaiming it good and telling him sagely that there is always hope. Aragorn walks up and down the line of men and elves under his command, shouting a final set of instructions:

"Show them no mercy, for you shall receive none!"

-Aragorn, from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

In other words... give no quarter! Make no compromises with the enemy! Fight your hardest; use your utmost skill and strength! Oftentimes, I look for shortcuts when it comes to dealing with temptation. I will frequently opt for a lesser sin in order to avoid a greater; in my twisted way of thinking, the sins do not weigh equally. Or I will allow one level of sin into my life, but not another. Before God it is all the same sin, but instead of expelling the enemy and extracting evil from my life, I look to compromise. I use every excuse under the sun. Well, I gave up that other sin, didn't I? This sin is too deeply ingrained to give up all at once; these things take time. I give in to that sin far less than I used to. But if I give even an inch, then I might as well give a mile, because Satan is going to walk all over me. In resisting temptation, every small compromise, every step along the slippery path, leads to destruction.

The battle rages on, the rain pours down, and the men of Rohan and their elvish allies hold their own against the enemy onslaught. Theoden looks to the sky, and in a moment of grim pride asks quietly:

"Is this it? Is this all you can conjure, Saruman?"

-Theoden, to himself, from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

The second problem in my battle with temptation is familiarity; I become accustomed to certain kinds of attacks. I expect certain environments, scenarios and people to make it either harder or easier to resist temptation. Before I even realize it, I am relying on those environments, scenarios and people either to keep me from temptation or bring me through it, rather than trusting in and relying on the power of God, which works powerfully in me. Therefore, when I recognize an attack of Satan, and I am in a strong place, I scoff and say, "Bring it on! Is that all you've got?" I would not be so boldfaced in a weak place. So where do I place my trust? In strong environments, scenarios, and people--or in an Almighty God?

Just as Theoden is speaking those words, a new threat appears--a torch-bearing Uruk-Hai running toward an explosive device set at the best of the Deeping Wall. It is not obvious to Theoden at first; in fact, it is Aragorn who first spots the danger. Unable to reach the Uruk-Hai in time, he shouts frantically to Legolas to bring down the threat, to kill him quickly. Legolas arches his bow and fires without missing three times, but the Uruk-Hai has just strength enough to complete his dreadful deed. Theoden watches in horror as the Deeping Wall is shattered by the overwhelming blast of explosive material, bodies and debris flying everywhere. The wall is breached. The enemy is invading.

How many times have I been blindsided in much the same way? I do not expect Satan's attack to come; my friends may see it coming before I do. Their prayers fly in the face of the danger like Legolas' arrows. But, not perceiving the danger, I myself do nothing. And so I am dazed and confused when my defenses are breached; when I fall suddenly into strong temptation I was not expecting. What is going on here? I hardly know. Sometimes I will shake my head to clear it, and rally myself as Theoden rallied his men with the call to draw their swords and follow him to brace the gate of the Keep.

It is in desperately tempting times like these that I most willingly reach out for the help and support of my friends. I ask for their prayers and their accountability. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective; I believe that the prayers of my friends have kept me from falling for the enemy's schemes more frequently than I can count. As Theoden turned to Aragorn and asked him to buy him some time to shore up the gate, so I ask my friends to intercede for me and buy me some time to strengthen my resistance to temptation.

However, there will come a time, like today and yesterday, when I will fall. Despite my best efforts, and the efforts of my friends, I will choose temptation's way over the path of peace, and give way to sin. I was miserable today and yesterday, sick with the knowledge of what I had done, and what it had cost, and what had been stolen from me by my enemy. Utterly dejected, I wanted to hang my head in despair and say as Theoden did when the enemy was quite literally knocking down his doors:

"The fortress is taken. It is over."

-Theoden, despairingly, from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

I was ready to surrender to sin. But thank God for the sharp words of a friend, like a slap to the face, bringing me to my senses. Aragorn fairly pounced on Theoden when the king was despairing of life and losing his vision for even the faintest hope of victory over his enemies. He shouted into the king's face:

"You said this fortress would never fall while your men defend it. They still defend it! They have died defending it!"

-Aragorn, to Theoden, from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Aragorn minces no words as he reminds the king of all those who have fought and died for him. Still dazed, Theoden voices a question born of deep hurt:

"So much death. What can Men do against such reckless hate?"

-Theoden, in a daze, from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

I have felt dazed, confused, and despairing before, in the face of the temptation that torments me. It is usually not until I have already fallen to temptation that I realize the gravity of every mistake, the verity of each of my friends' warnings and the soundness of their advice. My head fills with should-haves, could-haves and would-haves. All I wanted to do today, after I had fallen, was sit down in the middle of the barn aisle at work and cry out with St. Paul:

"What a wretched man I am!"

-Romans 7:24a, NIV

As Aragorn's eyes blaze when he hears the king voice his hopeless sorrow, so my friend's words were laced with fire as he insisted, borrowing Aragorn's words for his own:

"Ride out with me. Ride out and meet them."

-Aragorn, passionately to Theoden, from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Something stirs behind the king's eyes; his sleeping warrior spirit suddenly awakens and rises up. He meets Aragorn's gaze unflinchingly, his expression full of passion and fervor. And just as his willingness to fight is reborn, sunlight spills into the keep and Gimli the dwarf points out in an awestruck voice:

"The sun is rising"

-Gimli, awestruck, from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Gandalf's promise of rescue and redemption echoes in all of their minds. Could it be? Will he come through? Regardless, they will ride out, drawing swords together, for wrath, ruin and a red dawn, their horses at a full gallop as they charge into the fray. Just when all seems lost, when I have fallen hard into the deep and the dark, I find a sparkling promise there that bathes me in radiant light and gives me the will to fight on:

"Perhaps the LORD will help us, for nothing can hinder the LORD. He can win a battle whether he has many warriors or only a few."

-1 Samuel 14:6, NLT

As Theoden, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli ride out, hacking down enemies on every side, it soon becomes apparent that they are outmatched. They will be overwhelmed by sheer numbers. And yet they fight--oh, how they fight! What courage! Just as it seems they will die for their courage, Aragorn lifts his eyes to the horizon, where he sees a rider in white come galloping up in a blaze of glory--Gandalf on Shadowfax, with the host of the Rohirrim behind him. Theoden was never so alone as he thought himself to be.

"'Don't be afraid. The army that fights for us is larger than the one against us.'"

-2 Kings 6:16, NCV

Gandalf and the Rohirrim charge down onto the battlefield, joining the weary band that held the Keep all night, and together they soundly rout the enemy. In much the same way, my fighting spirit was roused today through the words of my friend... but the Enemy will only be driven back by the power of my God. He will deliver me; I need not fear. I will look expectantly to the horizon... and in the meantime, I will fight for all I am worth.

Amen.

More Than Just The Nails

I know You

I've seen You all my life

Figure on a crucifix

Death without a fight

You're hanging there upon a cross

Just by Your hands and feet

The picture's clear

But the story's incomplete

So what was it

That led you to that tree?

What made You lay Your body down

To save someone like me?

Cause though it's true

I know that You were God inside a man

So I guess sometimes it's hard to understand

You saw me

I guess You must have known

My life would be in darkness

So You and You alone would bear the stripes

The crown of thorns

And all humility

Lord, I see myself

But it's hard for me to see

I don't deserve Your mercy

Still You love me just the same

You died for me

And yet it's hard to know

What held You on the cross

When You could have walked away?

I see what You have done

And I just have to say

What held you on the cross

Was more than just the nails

With all the pain and suffering

And all that You had lost

Your love for me could only be

What held You on the cross

("What Held You on the Cross," by Michael O'Brien)

I am a klutz; this is no secret. I am constantly tripping over non-existent obstacles. I've had my share of falls, and plenty of scars to show for it. Toward the beginning of the Spring 2010 semester at MACU, I was headed to work and running a little late, so I was literally running. As I rounded a corner, my outside foot slid over the light dusting of sand that coated the pavement, and I fell hard, catching myself with both hands. The result of this tumble was a dime-sized wound on the palm of each hand, which bled profusely and hurt terribly. I took time and care cleaning them out and bandaging them up when I got back to my dorm room; they were a painful nuisance for several weeks before they healed up, and all I have left to show for that adventure is a pair of pink scars.

However... every time I wash my hands or put on a ring or bracelet, I see them... and I think of another pair of hands; hands that bore the marks of being nailed to the cross.

"For I bear on my body the brand marks of the Lord Jesus--the wounds, scars, and other outward evidence of persecutions--these testify to His ownership of me."

-Galatians 6:17, AB

The scars on my hands call to mind another memory from later on in the semester, just before Easter break. One of the girls' hall's weekly devotional meetings was very unique; not something I am likely to forget. Each girl was given three nails, and we were told that we would be standing with a nail held in each extended hand--and one held between our feet--for thirty-three minutes; one minute for every year of Jesus' incarnation.

Those thirty-three minutes were difficult and painful; we were all encouraged not to lower our arms, and to let the burn of our muscles serve as just the barest trace of a reminder of the pain and suffering of the cross Christ endured for our sake. It was not difficult, standing with arms outstretched as if nailed to a cross, to focus my thoughts on the cross. The lyrics to "What Held You on the Cross," by Michael O'Brien filled my mind.

Love is what held Jesus on the cross. Crazy love. Love beyond reason. God is madly, desperately in love with us. I have written about the love of God before, but never with adequate words; I don't think that's possible. Jesus wept, sweated, prayed and bled for us. All authority in heaven and earth had been given Him before He went to the cross (John 13:3, NLT); He could have called upon more than twelve legions of angels, which the Father had put at His disposal (Matthew 26:53, NIV); He could have come down from the cross and saved Himself (Mark 15:30, NIV); He could have walked away... and yet.

"Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn't, and doesn't, wait for us to get ready. He presented Himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn't been so weak, we wouldn't have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering His Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to Him."

-Romans 5:6-8, MSG

Choices

Even though you knew the lines

You'd have to cross for me

You made them anyway

Voices, as you knelt there in the garden

'Neath the olive tree

You heard me call Your name

I cannot pretend to understand it all

But heaven knew the reason You were there

Helpless

That's humanity without Your saving grace

So misled

Selfless

You could have called ten thousand angels

Down to take Your place

But you took mine instead

I cannot pretend to understand it all

But heaven knew the reason you were there

A greater love has no one than this

That He would lay His life down for His friends

It was all about a Man

It was all about a cross

It was all about the blood that was shed

So I would not be lost

It was all about a love

That was bigger than a life

It was all about the freedom that was given

Through Your sacrifice

'Cause You would rather die

Than to ever live without me

("To Ever Live Without Me," by Jody McBrayer)

God's love is not passive; He is always the one to take the initiative. God is a hopeless romantic when it comes to wooing and winning the hearts of men. Such reckless, risky, bold love demands a response in kind. The love of God blows me away, and the question that echoes in my mind and heart is this: How do I respond to a love like this? How could I possibly reciprocate something so incredible? Unable to answer this question myself, I turn to Scripture:

"Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with Him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of Himself to us. Love like that."

-Ephesians 5:1-2, MSG

"Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another."

-1 John 4:11, NASB

"Love your neighbor as yourself."

-Matthew 22:39b, NIV

"Love your enemies."

-Matthew 5:44a, NIV

These words sharpen the ache in my heart; a deep longing stirs there. I must learn to love like this. I hesitated to include that last verse, because for me it comes with the sting of conviction--yes, I have some work to do there. God loves even my enemy in the way that I have tried to understand and describe. Therefore, as impossible as it is for me to do on my own, with the power Christ gives me I must learn to love them too. This will be hard and painful, but I think that in the end it will bring healing. I came across a quote the other day that just won't leave me alone, which I will share as my concluding thought:

"I have found the paradox that, if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."

-Mother Teresa

A Time to Be Silent

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be silent and a time to speak."

-Ecclesiastes 3:1 & 7b, NIV

God thinks He is very funny. Seriously; He asks me to do something that seems crazy, and I roll my eyes toward heaven and say, "You want me to do what?" And He laughs at me. Not in a patronizing or condescending way, but in a knowing way, with a twinkle in his eye. I love God; even when He's laughing at me. I smile.

In March I began a daily Bible reading plan that will take me through the Bible in a year; I've done this before, with a New International Version, so this time I decided to act upon the advice of a guest speaker to my Ministry Formation class and read the Bible as if I had never read it before. To accomplish this, I chose to take my daily readings from The Message. It's been refreshing, to say the least. I was working through the book of Exodus when I came across the passage that describes Israel's crossing of the Red Sea (the end of chapter 13 and all of chapter 14, if you're interested).

To preface, God has just brought the entire nation of Israel out of slavery in Egypt in spectacular fashion, and they've encamped at Pi Hahiroth (I know, cool name) as instructed. No sooner have they done this than Pharaoh decides to pursue the Israelites in the hope of recapturing them; this presents something of a problem, as the Israelites have encamped at a place hemmed in by the sea--there is nowhere to run. Terrified, the people hurl angry and desperate accusations at Moses and bemoan what they believe to be their certain death. Reading Moses' response to their cries astounded me; for several minutes my eyes were fixed on this verse:

"The LORD will fight for you while you keep silent."

-Exodus 14:14, NASB

What a strange piece of advice. Though their situation was desperate, the Israelites were instructed neither to flee nor to fight, but to be quiet and wait for what God was about to do. And God did it--He parted the waters of the Red Sea and brought the nation of Israel through on dry ground. When the Egyptians attempted to pursue them, God crushed them with the collapsing walls of water. Moses and Miriam wrote a song about it (chapter 15, if you're interested).

So... what does this story have to do with me? This story spoke to my heart, because for me, this is a summer about trusting God; trusting Him to do what I cannot. Trusting Him to bring me through. Through careful self-examination and much prayer, my fiance and I have decided to keep seventy days of silence as far as the other is concerned; we're each going to seek God's will, being quiet and waiting before Him, while having no contact with each other at all. It's day three... and already ridiculously hard. God's instructions don't seem to make much sense; but I know that He is fighting for us. We love because He first loved us... and just for a little while, God wants each of us all to Himself; He has something that He wants to say.

When I was thinking about writing this blog post, I was reminded of another passage of Scripture, this one from 1 Kings (chapters 18 and 19 provide context). To preface, Elijah has been pursued and harried by the murderous pagan queen, Jezebel, and has fled from her into the wilderness. In desperation, Elijah begs God to let him die in the desert; however, God has other plans. He sends Elijah to stand before Him on Mount Horeb, telling him only that He is about to pass by.

"As the LORD was passing by, a fierce wind tore mountains and shattered rocks ahead of the LORD. But the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind came an earthquake. But the LORD wasn't in the earthquake. After the earthquake there was a fire. But the LORD wasn't in the fire. And after the fire there was a quiet, whispering voice."

-1 Kings 19:11b-12, GW

For what must have seemed to Elijah to be an eternity, God's coming was heralded by the resounding clamor of the forces of nature. But it was into the stillness after the storm, into the silence, that God finally spoke. I imagine that the prophet's ears must have been ringing, his pulse pounding, after that terrifying display. And yet his ears were pricked; he was listening intently, and he heard the quiet, whispering voice when at last it came. Oh, that I would be so attentive to the voice of God! Oh, that I should be able to say, as the prophet Samuel did when he was only a boy:

"Speak, LORD, for your servant is listening."

-1 Samuel 3:9b, NASB

What does it mean to listen to the voice of God? During this season of silence, I am devoting myself to answering that question. I am immersing myself in Scripture this summer, reading and memorizing. I am reading a lot of good Christian books by authors new and old. I am listening to good music. I am going to church a lot. I am working on growing and developing my relationships. I am seeking opportunities to serve. But mostly I am trying to quiet my heart and be still before God. He is about to do something great. I have no doubt that these seventy days will grow and change me in ways I cannot even begin to imagine.

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary

When troubles come and my heart burdened be

Then I am still and wait here in the silence

Until you come and sit awhile with me

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains

You raise me up to walk on stormy seas

I am strong when I am on Your shoulders

You raise me up to more than I can be

("You Raise Me Up," by Selah)