New Year

Love

Should it be so tragic?

Should it be dramatic?

Should it take such a toll on you?

Trust

Why is our trust faded?

Jesus says to trade them

Trade our scars for His promises

So give Him all your love this time

Give Him everything you are this time

You've never been so lucky

To have a friend like Jesus

Wait

How long will you wait here?

Your life longs for a new year

Your healing must begin somewhere

Everything you could ever want

Is right before you

He is close to your broken heart

You're right where you should be

("New Year," by This Beautiful Republic)

New Year's Eve has always been my favorite holiday. Oh sure, Thanksgiving and Christmas are wonderful times, but New Year's holds a special place in my heart. It's not that a second chance isn't available all year round, but there is something about the entire world counting down the last few seconds of the year (in different time zones, of course, but still) and looking forward to a fresh start; a new beginning.

However, December 31st, 2009 was a rough time for me. I started off the day with Satan perched on my shoulder, and me without the strength to give him a hefty shove and put him back in his place--under my feet. He hissed lies in my ear all day long: You are a screw up. You can't do anything right. You might as well just give up. The father of lies has not lost his touch since Eden.

It's hard when the devil won't get off your back

It's like carrying around the past in a hundred-pound sack

("Let It Go," by Tim McGraw)

The worst part about these lies was that there was a shred of truth in them. 2009 was a rough year, full of frustrations, tears, mistakes and regrets. That day, Satan was using my loneliness and sadness to get to me. He almost had me; he had almost convinced me. However...

"God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear."

-1 Corinthians 10:13b, NIV

God is good. That night, at about eleven o'clock, Joshua (my boyfriend) got a phone call and abruptly decided that it was of utmost importance that we go outside. I hurried to put shoes on as he half-dragged, half-shoved me out the door and had me stand at the end of the driveway. As I looked up the hill to the top of the driveway, I saw a pair of headlights. His phone rang again, and when he picked up, I heard a familiar voice at the other end of the line asking if he was in the right place.

Delight filled me in an instant as the car rolled down the drive; two of my best guy-friends from MACU had decided to crash my house for New Year's. All I could do was hug them and grin like an idiot; there were no words to express my happiness as we all tramped in to my small cold house, made introductions all around, and piled eight people onto my couch to watch the ball drop.

I marveled at the sense of contentment that filled me as I just sat back and watched the people I loved best celebrating the holiday I love best. I realized then, with cold, startling clarity, that God was using my friends to restore my heart and remind me of the truth: Don't give up, love. You're right where you should be. Keep going; press forward. I've got good things in store for you. Satan's hold was broken; the lies were dispelled. For the first time all day, I felt as though I could breathe freely and walk easy.

Almost giddy with happiness, I stayed up talking until three-thirty, at which point Joshua pulled me aside and quietly asked if we could go for a walk. It was foggy at that ridiculous hour of the morning, but the moon was full, and the hayfield in front of my house was threaded with wisps of silvery light; it was beautiful and breathtakingly cold. We walked and talked; or rather, he walked. I danced and skipped and bounced; I was so full of joy that I could not make myself be calm.

Towards the end of our walk, as we were clambering onto the back porch and preparing to go back inside (though my house was not much warmer than outside), he caught me by the elbow and pulled me into a tight embrace. "I love you," he whispered, so softly I could hardly hear. I didn't think my smile could get any wider; apparently it could. I started to answer, "I love you too," when he pushed me back a bit and looked down at me; he was shaking, and I could feel his heart pounding even through his heavy coat. "And because I love you," he continued, "I want to give you something."

He let me go, slipped his hand into his pocket, and sank down to one knee. My heart turned over, and before he spoke a word my eyes misted over with tears of pure joy. My "Yes," tripped over his "Will you marry me?" and I hugged him and laughed for at least half an hour. We prayed then, thanking God, and headed back inside to tell everyone else.

New Year's Eve held a special place in my heart before; how much more so now! I trust God when He tells me that He has good plans for me; how much more so now!

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out--plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for."

-Jeremiah 29:11, MSG

Not for the first time, I am going to borrow words not my own. When I woke up again at a decent hour on the first of January, 2010, I found a piece of notebook paper left by one of my friends before he went out to watch the sunrise. He closed the short note by saying, "Congratulations; one chapter closes, another begins." I smiled when I read that; it is so true. I look forward to opening this new chapter of my life and watching my life story continue to unfold. I am glad that you all are along for the journey.

God bless.