Running Free

My dead heart now is beating

My deepest stains now clean

Your breath fills up my lungs

Now I'm free

Into marvelous light I'm running

Out of darkness

Out of shame

By the cross

You are the Truth

You are the Life

You are the Way

("Marvelous Light," by Charlie Hall)

"I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free."

-Psalm 119:32, NIV

I sat here for a moment with writer's block, repeating that verse quietly to myself. It was a verse I stumbled upon very early in the year, and without knowing why, I decided to make it my theme verse for 2009. Something about it beckoned me. I could not have named the longings a year ago, but what I yearned for was a heart set free from self-righteousness and legalism. I greatly desired not only to follow God, but to run after Him; to pursue Him with reckless abandon.

The condition of my captive heart was not unknown to me; I knew of the secret wounds and tolerated sins. I knew that these were crippling flaws that would most certainly rear their ugly heads and attempt my destruction at some point. But I did not have the strength to fight them; I had spent what little strength I had fleeing from them. It was only a matter of time until they caught me up.

"The sins of some men are obvious, reaching the place of judgment ahead of them; the sins of others trail behind them."

-1 Timothy 5:24, NIV

I had run from the battle for so long, I knew no other way. God, however, would not tolerate my resignation. He would not permit me to bear the burden, to trudge on alone in determined silence while still under it's weight. So, like Aslan in C. S. Lewis' The Horse and His Boy, He Himself began to chase after me. To be pursued by God is a fearful thing. I ran harder, but my strength at last failed me. I stumbled and fell; my fears caught up with me; the worst was upon me... and He delivered me.

It was painful to allow the removal of the things which hindered me; the only thing I can compare it to is that prickling, tingling, on-fire feeling of circulation returning to a limb that has fallen asleep. My heart had almost ceased to beat; my thumos had nearly dissipated. About to black out in shallow water, instead I broke the surface and drew breath.

God restored my child's heart, and my warrior's spirit. He restored my compassion, and my courage. It happened slowly, and almost took me by surprise... but I marveled at and delighted in it. Now, with restored vigor, I look ahead to the coming year, laugh in Satan's face and say, "Bring it on." And with a grin I lace up my running shoes and set off on the path God has set before me--straight and narrow--my burdens lifted, running free.

Remembrance, Not Regret

It's been a bad day

You've been looking back

And all you can see is everything you wish you could take back

A world of regrets

All of those moments you would rather forget

I know it's hard to believe

Let me refresh your memory

Yesterday is history

And history is miles away

So leave it all behind you

But let it always remind you of the day

The day that love made history

You know you can't stay

Right where you fell

The hardest part is forgiving yourself

But let's take a walk into today

And don't let your past get in the way

Would you believe that you are history in the making?

Every choice that you are making

Every step that you are taking

Every chain that you are breaking

History is in the making

Every word that you are saying

Every prayer that you are praying

Every chain that you are breaking

History is in the making

("History," by Matthew West)

"Therefore I will always remind you about these things, even though you already know them and are standing firm in the truth you have been taught. And it is only right that I should keep on reminding you as long as I live."

-2 Peter 1:12-13, NLT

I think of my life as a story, and as the New Year approaches, I find myself looking over the past year in much the same way I would thumb through the pages of a well-loved and much-read book. So much has taken place over the course of a single year! There have been many milestones, and so much growth. I have shared laughter and tears in abundance. I have stumbled and fallen many times, but God in His infinite mercy and grace has never failed to lift me up again.

"May you never forget what is worth remembering, nor ever remember what is best forgotten."

-Irish Blessing

However, even with my new understanding and appreciation of grace, it is still so easy to give way to despair when I look back on the dark periods of this year. There's no way around it, no way to avoid the painful fact that I fell hard this year, no escape from the regret. I appreciate and even cherish the lessons learned through those difficult times, but I cannot help but wish I were not so stubborn that I had to learn them the hard way!

Even as I write this paragraph, tears fill my eyes. They are hot tears; frustrated, angry tears. Each memory is like a whiplash, but I do not stop turning them over in my mind, because I feel that I deserve that pain. But even as I try to inflict this heart-wrenching punishment on myself, a nail-pierced hand descends on my shoulder, and I turn to fall into arms stretched as wide as the east is from the west. It is on the shoulder of Christ that these tears are spent.

He took my punishment, which I do indeed deserve, on Himself. He paid the debt, once for all. Every sin I have committed, and every sin I will ever commit, is already covered by His blood. Though my heart may ache at these memories, His was broken for me.

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as a atoning sacrifice for our sins."

-1 John 4:10, NIV

And so my Savior, my love, brushes the tears from my cheeks. I can see the love in His eyes. He holds out His hands and asks me, one more time, to hand over these regrets. Tremblingly, I do so, and one more time He does what I cannot do for myself and throws them all to the wind. What awesome love, what stunning grace, that will not permit me the pain of regret, however well-deserved.

I understand that these memories will remain, like scars. The wounds will heal, yes, but they will leave a permanent mark. I have been forgiven; I am forgiving myself. But I cannot forget... and perhaps I am not supposed to. As I sit here at my keyboard, embraced by God, I begin to understand that I am to remember, but not regret.

"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."

-James 1:2-4, NLT

My favorite thing to do when reading a boring or difficult chapter in a book, is to flip to the end and skim a few pages, just to see how everything works out. It is always encouraging to me; though I do not know all the story in between, just knowing that it works out in the end is enough. This 'preview,' if you will, invigorates me as a reader, and I eagerly plunge back into the difficult chapter, so that I can get on with the story.

I'm doing something similar with the story of my life. Just by skimming the good things God has in store for me, I gain the strength to press forward and endure right now.

"History never looks like history when you are living through it. It always looks confusing and messy, and it always feels uncomfortable."

-John W. Gardner

My life is history in the making. One day I will look back on where I am right now, and I will be able to see everything that I could not when I was still living in the moment. On that day, I will be able to say that it was worth all the pain. Until then, I will hold to that hope.

The Warrior is a Child

Lately I've been winning battles left and right

But even winners can get wounded in the fight

People say that I'm amazing

I'm strong beyond my years

But they don't see inside of me

I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I come running home when I fall down

They don't know who picks me up when no one is around

I drop my sword and cry for just a while

Because deep inside this armor

The warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armor is the best

But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest

People say that I'm amazing

I never face retreat

But they don't see the enemies

That lay me at His feet

They don't know that I come running home when I fall down

They don't know who picks me up when no one is around

I drop my sword and cry for just a while

Because deep inside this armor

The warrior is a child

They don't know that I come running home when I fall down

They don't know who picks me up when no one is around

I drop my sword and look up for His smile

Because deep inside this armor

The Warrior is a Child

("The Warrior is a Child," by Gary Valenciano)

I sighed as I finished copying those lyrics. I sighed because I am contented, relieved, and somewhat awed by those words. God loves me. I am His child. For the first time in my life... that is enough.

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!"

-1 John 3:1, NIV

When I was home in October for Fall Break, my mother asked me a heartbreaking question that shook my faith. "If you could not do what you do--if you could not go to school, become a missionary, or serve God in any way--would it be enough that you are His child?" And the answer fell unbidden from my lips: "No." No? It was not enough for me to simply be God's child? I was appalled at my response, and tears fell from my eyes.

All my life I have been "so grown up," "so mature for your age," and "an old head on young shoulders." One person even went so far as to tell me that I must have been "born forty years old." Immaturity and childishness were something I looked down upon... even when I was a child myself. This realization crashed down upon me as I heard my response to my mother's question. I love children; their curiosity and creativity, their fearlessness and faith, is admirable and beautiful to me. But somewhere along the way, I stopped loving the child that I was. God, however, did not.

I was never much of a child. To be a child--or rather, to have the needs of a child--was inconvenient. There was no time or money for me to have constant desires, so I learned to desire nothing that I could not obtain for myself. I did my best to stay out of the way and never cause a fuss; my family's troubles were more than enough without my adding to them.

There is no way for me to adequately explain how I learned to shut off every outward showing of fear, disappointment and depression. Oftentimes, when what I most wanted was to be held while I cried, I would throw myself into work instead. I busied myself in order to cover up the secret ache; the pain and heartbreak of the child within. I was not kind to that child; she was kept locked in a dark room, and she was beaten if she dared to make her voice heard.

I became as hard as stone. I became an armored warrior, a knight who rode about rescuing others. I fought for depth; I fought for truth; I fought for the right to higher expectations. I stood in the gap for my friends and loved ones and fought for them through intercessory prayer. And I worked to train other warriors. People saw the armor, but they never saw the child.

It was not until I came to MACU that I began to learn that it is all right to be a child. It is, in fact, more than all right. It is what God desires.

"[Jesus] said to them, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.'"

-Mark 10:14-15, NIV

I've learned to play; I've learned to laugh until I cannot breathe; I've learned to let someone hold me while I cry; I've learned to be loved for myself... not for the things that I do. And through all this I've learned, bashfully peering up through my eyelashes with a blush on my cheeks, that my Father delights in me, as His child. I have known it. I have sensed it. But for the very first time, I actually believe it. It is glorious.

My answer to my mother's question has changed. It is enough for me, that I am God's child. It is more than enough.

Stained-Glass Masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there?

Are there any hands to raise?

Am I the only one who's traded

In the altar for a stage?

The performance is convincing

And we know every line by heart

Only when no one is watching

Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free

If I dared to let you see

The truth behind the person

You imagine me to be?

Would your arms be open

Or would you walk away?

Would the love of Jesus

Be enough to make you stay?

("Stained-Glass Masquerade," by Casting Crowns)

"If you try to hang on to your life you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it."

-Jesus of Nazareth

(Matthew 16:25, NLT)

Since my arrival here at MACU, God has been relentlessly stripping me of everything comfortable and familiar. Through trials and temptations, and through my own failures, God revealed to me a level of self-righteousness, pride and fear that I did not know existed in me. He showed me that my pursuit of perfection was not pleasing to Him; it was pharisaical, and was in fact separating me from Him. I cared about preserving the holier-than-thou image I was trying to project, but I did not care at all for the condition of my heart. I looked into God's eyes and saw myself reflected in them, and I was ashamed of and repulsed by what I saw there.

"We may think we are doing the right thing, but the LORD always knows what is in our hearts."

(Proverbs 21:2, CEV)

One morning before fall break, when I had overslept and was late for chapel, God literally brought me to my knees. I slipped silently into the pitch-dark chapel and slid into the very back row, because I was embarrassed about being late. I was glad of the darkness, because no one could see who had come in; the shadows hid my shame. Just as I was breathing a sigh of relief, I heard God speaking to me, using the voice of the chapel speaker. His question was this:

"Where are you?"

(Genesis 3:9, NIV)

It was the saddest question I had ever heard. Where are you? Why are you hiding from me? I sat there trembling as the speaker explained the origin of shame; the beginning of God's loneliness and longing in the garden of Eden. I felt so torn; I wanted to open my heart to God's anguished query and answer, "Here I am!" But it was safer, and less painful, to remain hidden in the dark. Coming to the light meant admitting the existence of all my secret sins. It meant confessing to God, and to other people. It meant the possibility of rejection and hurt. It was so tempting to take all that conviction, and the clear call of God, and bury it in the depths of my soul.

"Everyone who makes a practice of doing evil, addicted to denial and illusion, hates God's light and won't come near it, fearing a painful exposure."

(John 3:20, MSG)

When chapel ended, I bolted. I ran to my dormitory, knelt on the floor next to my bed, pulled my blanket over my head and cried out to God. I could hear Him; were He physically present, He would have been insistently tugging at that blanket and saying, "Look at me! Why are you hiding from me? I love you!" But I couldn't bring myself to uncover my face and talk to my Father.

When my sobs had quieted and I was finally still, God reminded me of the truths in His Word. He agreed with me: Yes, admission and confession would be painful, but just as necessary as the re-breaking of a bone that has been set wrong. He sobered we with a dash of cold 'living water.'

"For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all."

(Luke 8:17, NLT)

"Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed."

(James 5:16, MSG)

"Yet if you devote your heart to Him and stretch out your hands to Him, if you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent, then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm and without fear. You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by. Life will be brighter than noonday, and darkness will become like morning."

(Job 11:13-18, NIV)

God is bringing me out of hiding; with His help, I have begun to open my life and share my struggles with others. I have discovered, to my surprise and delight, that my friends love me even more deeply now that they have seen my imperfections. Through the love of my friends, God has been teaching me about mercy and grace; He has been showing me the full extent of His love. I am learning to close the curtain on my stained-glass masquerade.

Lingering by the Stream

The stone is smooth and heavy in my hand, glistening still, for I have just chosen it from among the countless thousands scattered across the riverbed. As I contemplate the dripping thing, a roar rises from the battlefield on the other side of the hill. The enemy is cheering on their champion. I swallow heavily, attempting to bring moisture to my dry mouth. My knuckles turn white as I clench my fist around the stone. My whole body is shaking.

I'm shaking my head as I remember my bold words: "Your servant has killed both the lion and the bear." I was so brave and confident just moments ago, before I left the camp and came down here by myself, to loosen up my throwing arm and choose my weapons. I know that God is with me; I know He will bring me success this day. Why, then, does fear coil in my stomach like a poisonous serpent?

I plunge the stone into the pouch slung over my shoulder and numbly begin to search for another. Just in case I miss my first shot, I think. I'm trembling so much, the thought is not unrealistic. When I first saw that giant man and heard him bellowing his obscenities, I was so angry that I could not imagine doing anything but going down to fight him. Now I contemplate fleeing.

But if I do not go down and fight him, who will? I think of all the seasoned warriors who are at this moment shaking in their armor, and my heart faints within me. In my mind, I know that I have been anointed, consecrated, set apart for this holy purpose of the LORD's. But all my conviction, all my passion, all my courage has deserted me. Why now? Why, in my hour of desperate need, do I lose heart?

As I drop another stone into my bag, I suddenly realize that I have collected a small arsenal. Five smooth stones, each bigger and heavier than the one before. My bag is dragging on my shoulder, the weight of my weapons pulling me down. I erupt in laughter as the absurdity of this hits me like a dash of cold water to the face. These stones are like pebbles when compared to the titanic weapons of the giant; he is superior to me in every way. For the first time since descending to this stream, I remember that it is not my weapons or my prowess that guarantee my victory.

At what point did I cease to trust in God and begin to rely only on my own strength? At what point did I forget that nothing is too hard for Him? He has delivered me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear; certainly He can strengthen my arms of weakness and steady my feeble knees. In His Spirit, I will triumph.

"'Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the LORD Almighty."

-Zechariah 4:6b

I square my shoulders and shield my eyes from the sun as I look over the crest of the hill I must mount before I go down into the Valley of Elah to face my giant. My steps are hesitant and faltering, but I begin to walk. I do not walk alone.

"But the LORD is with me like a mighty warrior."

-Jeremiah 20:11a

Poem By An Unknown Author

(This poem was sent to me moments ago by a very dear friend, Hope Bilbrey.)

I made her...she is different. She is unique.
With love I formed her in her mother's womb.
I fashioned her with great joy.
I remember with great pleasure the day I created her.

I love her smile. I love her ways. I love to hear her laugh
And the silly things she says and does.
She brings me great pleasure. This is how I made her.

I made her pretty and not beautiful.
I wanted her to search out her heart and learn that
it would be Me in her that would make her beautiful...
And it would be Me that would draw others to her.

I made her in such a way that she would need me.

I made her a little more lonesome than she would like to be...
Only because I need for her to learn and depend on Me.
I know her heart. I know that if I had not made her like this,
She would go her own chosen way
And forget Me... her Creator.

Because I love her, I have seen her broken heart...
and the tears she cried alone.
I have cried with her and had a broken heart too.

Many times she has stumbled and fallen alone...
Only because she would not hold my hand.
So many lessons she's learned the hard way
because she would not listen to My voice.

So many times I have sat back and sadly
watched her go her merry way alone...
Only to watch her return to my arms,
sad and broken.

And now she is Mine again.
I made her, and I bought her...
Because I love her.

I have to reshape and remold her
To renew her to what I planned for her to be
It has not been easy for her or for Me.

I want her to be conformed to My image.
This high goal I have set for her...

Because I love her

To Shame the Strong

There you go again

Putting on that smile again

Even though I know you've had a bad day

Doing this and doing that

Always putting yourself last

A whole lot of give

And not enough take

But you can only be strong so long

Before you break

So fall

Go on and fall apart

Fall into these arms of Mine

I'll catch you

Every time you fall

Go on and lose it all

Every doubt, every fear

Every worry, every tear

I'm right here

Baby, fall

(Fall, Clay Walker)

The past several weeks have been crazy. I've never been so emotionally all over the place in my life. My dominant emotion, however, has been fear. Experiencing the culture shock of coming to school here at MACU has opened my eyes to a weakness in me that I did not know existed. I had buried it so deeply and hidden it so well that it took a complete removal from my natural habitat in order to bring it out into the open. And so the word of God is found to be true again:

"There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known."

-Luke 12:2

I AM AFRAID TO LET PEOPLE GET TOO CLOSE. There; I've written it and published it for all the world to see. I am a very social person, and I like people, but very few people know more than my surface level. Most of my circle of friends know only the shiny exterior of my personality. The few people who know me more intimately have some idea of what goes on in my head, but even to them I present a strong and collected front, carefully keeping them at arms' length, lest they look too closely and see what I'm trying to hide.

I'm standing in a crowded room

And still I stand alone

No one seems to notice me

I am on my own

But I know that they are watching

And I know that they can see

And I have to be careful

Or they might catch a glimpse of me

The real me

Who tries to be invisible

The real me

Who stands in the background

Pretending not to be

The real me

(The Real Me, a song I wrote years ago)

I had never realized how desperately lonely I am. Even when I am surrounded by people, loneliness shrouds my soul. I am lonely, I think, because I am always hiding. I have become proficient at projecting a strong and confident persona even when I am trembling inside and almost in tears. Its as though I am two people. One of those people is a mature Christian who knows the truths of God's word and loves him with all her heart. The other is a frightened, sobbing five-year-old girl who isn't sure of anything.

I am not gentle with that young and tender part of my heart. I frequently order her to shut up and grow up and leave me alone. She is an inconvenience. I must drag her along, whining and crying, no matter where I go. Isn't it a terrible thing, to hate a part of yourself? You cannot get away from yourself! I wonder what would happen if I treated that part of myself the way I try to treat everybody else, not as a burden or as an annoyance, but as a human being with legitimate feelings and fears. I am not made of stone, however much I would like it to be otherwise.

I've been amazed by the number of people here at school who have seen through my facade. They don't let me hide behind my sage advice and big vocabulary words. Even if they have to drag it out of me, they get me to admit my fears. Those fears are more deeply rooted and more numerous than I could have ever imagined. I think, in some ways, I've thrown myself into doing big things for God so that I would not have to look at all the small fractures in my life.

I am a flawed piece of Waterford Crystal that has somehow made it almost to the end of the line. I reflect the light beautifully, but that flaw (hidden so well) is going to make me crack later on in my life. Luckily for me, the crystal is put through a series of tests, and if it fails even one, it is sent back down the line, crushed and remade. I have failed a test at last, and now God can break me down and remake me... one more time.

"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong."

-1 Corinthians 1:27

The hardest thing for me is resisting the urge to hide my weaknesses. However, it is through my weaknesses that God's strength will be most gloriously displayed.

There's no such thing as perfect people

There's no such thing as a perfect life

So come as you are, broken and scarred

Lift up your heart and be amazed and be changed

By a perfect God

(Perfect People, Natalie Grant)

Spaghetti and Gumdrops

So, I've been at MACU nearly two full weeks now, and while I've written about many of my experiences, I have not shared any of them with you! It requires a bit of time-traveling in order to share everything I've learned so far, but I will do my best.

A little over a week ago, I sat in my very first Hall Devo. I don't know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn't what came next! When I arrived, I was told that we would be playing a game. We were divided up into groups of three or four and given a handful of uncooked spaghetti, some gummy lifesavers, and a little pile of gumdrops. Without words, grunts, or gestures, we were supposed to work together as a team to build some kind of freestanding structure out of these items.

It was an interesting game; when we started out, every member of my team started building on their own. The ideas were very different! I was making triangles out of spaghetti and gumdrops and putting them together to build a pyramid. I knew that a triangle would make the structure strongest, so I focused on building a wide base.

Meanwhile, the other two girls' structures kept falling over. Eventually, they caught on to what I was doing and began adding their own creative design to my simple but sturdy structure. In the end, it looked something like a circus tent from Candy Land. It seemed to be a completely random game, but of course there was a point to all the silliness.

The topic of our devo was communication, and through that somewhat ridiculous activity I learned something about my leadership/communication style. I am an Establisher--that is, I like to get down to people's hearts and build strong lives from there. I don't frequently get up in people's faces (unless they are really persistent in doing what is wrong); instead, I quietly try to direct them by setting a good example or pointing out other good examples.

This is a classic demonstration of the way we are all called to be leaders. Not everyone is called to preach or teach or be a missionary, this is true. But we are all called to be witnesses and representatives of Christ in the way we live our lives:

"In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."

-Matthew 5:16

Sometimes people are not open to the things we have to say until they've seen them in action. Someone can tell you how you ought to do something a million times, but until you've actually been shown how to do it, it is nearly impossible to conceive of it. And it's hard to believe in someone's words when their actions are clearly in opposition to what they've been saying. We have to be careful of what we say, yes, but we have to be even more careful of the things we communicate without saying a word.

"Therefore I urge you to imitate me."

-1 Corinthians 4:16

Paul made that statement boldly. He was confident in his relationship with you, and so he could say without reservations that anyone who wanted to know how to follow Christ ought to look to him as an example. I want to be able to make this statement of Paul's; I want to become a leader that people can trust and look to as an example. I want to be confident in my relationship with God, so that I can confidently lead others into a right relationship with God.

...And I learned all of this from spaghetti and gumdrops...

Stargazing with Abraham

All right... I know it's been awhile since I posted anything from my personal experience, but apparently college really does keep you busy! I've just completed my first week of college at Mid-Atlantic Christian University in Elizabeth City, NC. I am a Cross-Cultural Ministries major and I am taking eighteen credit hours this semester... so I am quite busy! I am thoroughly enjoying all my classes, and now that I've had some time to get organized, I should have more time and opportunity to keep up with my blog and let you all know what I am learning, thinking, and doing.

So now I'm going to time travel back to Thursday, August 14th, when I first arrived here at school. My mother and sister and I packed up the Kia and headed for Elizabeth City; we hit terrible traffic in Chesapeake, VA and arrived an hour late for orientation, but that was no big deal; we still arrived in time to enjoy the banquet and get me all unpacked and settled in.

I had Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday to begin to absorb the fact that I was now living away from home, and not just away from home, but away from anything and everything familiar. This is the city instead of the country; it's rainy instead of dry; it's flat instead of hilly--in other words, I was completely removed from my natural environment. However, as I have learned on my numerous trips with Joshua Expeditions and Global Next, being removed from your comfort zone can bring out the best in you. It certainly has in me.

On the Wednesday night before I left for school, I walked outside onto my front porch in Stokesdale with a suitcase to load into the car. As soon as I had shut the door behind me, I stopped dead, in awe of the sight that greeted me. The sky seemed so close; it was crystal clear and deepest blue. Every star stood out like a diamond nestled in blue velvet; I could even see the Milky Way. God compelled me to sit down; it was definitely a 'be still and know that I am God' moment. I could not help but remember another man that God asked to look at the stars...

"Then [God] brought [Abram] outside and said, 'Look now toward heaven, and count the stars if you are able to number them.' And He said to him, 'So shall your descendants be.'"

-Genesis 15:5

God brought me out of my comfort zone, just as He brought Abram out of his tent, in order to show him his destiny in the stars. By asking Abram to count the stars, God reminded him of His precious promises and His perfect timing. God did the same for me, the night of August 13th. As I sat there in wonder looking up at the stars (there was also a meteor shower that night), I remembered all the things that God has done for me, and how He has paved the way for me to be here at MACU, and all my worries melted away. If God has brought me safe thus far, certainly He will carry this good work on to completion.

I'm looking forward to expanding my horizons, learning as much as I can, and forming new relationships. Bible college is like a breath of fresh air; chapel two days a week, discipleship group, prayer before classes, and being surrounded by people who are here with the same goal in mind--serving God, in one form or another--has been amazing. It's as though I have stepped into another world.

I know there will be difficulties and challenges, and that I might not be so excited a couple of weeks from now when the drama ensues and the homework starts piling up, but God is faithful. He has great things in store for me.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

-Jeremiah 29:11

I Come

(Below is a song, entitled I Come, that I wrote in 2008, during a particularly apathetic period in my walk with God.)

(verse 1)

I come to the altar and I kneel
Trying to awaken a love I can feel
But my heart is dead
And my soul is numb
I am deaf and blind and dumb
I feel like I'm made of stone
As I sit here all alone


(chorus)

So I bow here and pray aloud
Help me overcome my doubt
I could never live without you
Heaven seems silent, still and cold
But I will cling to what I've been told
You will never forsake me
O Lord, my God


(verse 2)

I come to the garden and I fall
Trying to surrender it all
The guilt and the shame
The pain and the tears
All my dark, unspoken fears
I see neither hope nor light
As I lie here in the night


(chorus)

So I bow here and pray aloud
Help me overcome my doubt
I could never live without you
Heaven seems silent, still and cold
But I will cling to what I've been told
You will never forsake me
O Lord, my God


(verse 3)

I come to the mountain and I stand
Reaching out to take your hand
Will you come here
And be with me?
Descend in all your majesty
And show this trembling mortal man
The face of God
The Great I AM


(chorus)

So I bow here and pray aloud
How, Lord, could I ever doubt?
I never have to live without you
I'm standing here on holy ground
Your glory shining all around
I feel your presence here in me
O Lord, my God

Waters Gone By

(Below is a song I wrote in 2006, entitled Waters Gone By.)

(verse 1)

I was weary
So tired of this life
I saw no reason to go on
Everything I had
Had been stripped away
And I was left with nothing less
Than I'd had before--nothing
Nothing

(verse 2)

My demons, they pursued me
Held me captive in my mind
Bound me up in chains
Kept me behind bars
I thought I was alone
For I had shut you out--long ago
Long ago

(chorus)

But now you have set me free
You've broke away my chains
You've cut through iron bars
You've loosed me from my prison
My troubles I've forgotten
My misery has died
And I recall them only
As waters gone by

(verse 3)

You have rescued me
From the land of the dead
You have raised me up
Pulled me from the grave
So that I live again
I have a second chance
And I owe it all to you
You've made me what I am--today
Today

(bridge)

As the river runs
As the oceans roar
So has my pain been taken
So has my shame been taken
And washed away
And replaced with grace

(chorus)

Because you have set me free
You've broke away my chains
You've cut through iron bars
You've loosed me from my prison
My troubles I've forgotten
My misery has died
And I recall them only
As waters gone by

Dream

(Below is a song I wrote in 2007, entitled Dream.)

(verse 1)

Your whole life
The world has been conspiring
To say, "You can do anything!"
And then to tear you down
You're amazing
So they want to see you fall
To prove you're not so special after all
After all
Don't listen
You were made to great things
By the God who made the sky
So spread your wings and fly

(chorus)

Dream big
What's the point of dreaming small?
Dreams were meant to reach the stars
And, like the stars, to fall
Don't give up hope
Dreams were meant for coming true
This is my prayer for you
As you fall asleep
That you will dream

(verse 2)

Why do we believe
The lies that Satan tells?
"You don't quite measure up."
"You're never good enough."
We cry out, "God, I am not worthy!"
And he quietly whispers in reply,
"My child, I chose you
And I died to make you worthy;
You are my heart's delight--
My anointing's on your life."

(chorus)

Dream big
What's the point of dreaming small?
Dreams were meant to reach the stars
And, like the stars, to fall
Don't give up hope
Dreams were meant for coming true
This is my prayer for you
As you fall asleep
That you will dream

Confession

(Below is a poem, entitled Confession, that I wrote in 2005, the year I became a Christian.)

I'm baring my soul because no one can see;
No one would ever guess this is me...


I put on a smile and pretend I'm all that,
That as far as life goes, I've got it down pat

I'm in love with this image I've worn for so long,
Everyday saying that nothing is wrong

But inside I'm waging a war all my own
I feel frustrated, depressed, and alone

It's certainly not that there's no one to care,
They just can't see past the mask that I wear

On the outside I'm smart, mature and well-meaning;
On the inside I'm angry, unsure, and I'm screaming

No one would guess at what runs through my head--
If I cannot be perfect, I'd rather be dead

No one would guess how I hate what I see
When my reflection is staring back at me

I'd invite temptation and then cry when I fell,
But there's no one I'd trust-- no one I'd tell

I'm too busy pretending that I am the best,
That I know it all and can counsel the rest

People ask my advice and are bettered
While I am still standing shackled and fettered

But the worst of it is that I cannot explain
All this frustration and all of this pain

So I simply keep silent; it's easier this way--
Who would I tell what I don't know how to say?


I'm baring my soul because no one can see;
No one would ever guess this is me...

Primal Worship: A Week At Park Springs

"Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.'" -Matthew 19:14

I hardly know where to begin--I have not blogged in weeks, not for lack of inspiration, but for lack of time and patience. I don't like to write unless I can take the time to think and write well. I've been busy, busy, busy getting things ready for school--making lists, filling out paperwork, getting my immunizations updated *shudder*. At this point, if I have to sign my name on one more piece of paper, I might just scream.

But, in the midst of scrambling to meet various deadlines, God slammed me to a screeching halt. Being a counselor at a week of Park Springs camp sounded like a lot of fun... months ago. But just last Saturday, as I was tossing shorts and t-shirts into a backpack, all I could think of was the stuff at home that I was leaving undone... for yet another week. I was focused on the external; God, as always, was focused on the eternal.

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the LORD. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.'" -Isaiah 55:8-9

I had never been to Park Springs as a camper; Bible Bowl had always completely occupied my summer. So, going into last week, I had no idea what to expect. I'd been told that I was going to be a cabin mom. (Come again?) I'd been asked to be a family leader. (A what?) I'd been asked to teach fourth and fifth grade students about personal devotions. (Oh boy...) "What have I gotten myself into?" was the phrase I silently repeated to myself on the drive up to the camp.

When I arrived, though, all my mental background noise faded into silence. All I could do was look around in wonder... and breathe. For the first time in weeks, I stopped and listened to God.

"'Be still, and know that I am God.'" -Psalm 46:10a

The theme of the week was "Primal Worship." Dan Hipply, Involvement Minister at my home church, was the camp dean, and he defined the week this way: Primal means first or original; of first importance; fundamental. Worship is reverent honor; to hold in the highest position of importance. In other words, our first priority--our essential task--is to worship God. He must be foremost in our minds, hearts, and lives. I know the week was meant for the kids, but that week-long message resounded in my heart.

GOD HAS TO COME BEFORE ALL MY DEADLINES.

It's strange to me, how quickly I can lose sight of things I've always known. My life always reaches a new level of chaotic every time my focus shifts from God even slightly. All the stress and worry of the weeks prior to camp could have been avoided, if I had just taken the time to remember that God is guiding and directing my life.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" -Jeremiah 29:11

The entirety of last week was spent focusing on God, from Arming for the Day (morning devos) with my tribe each morning to the Evening Flame (campfire) each night, every thought, every heartbeat, every breath, was about God. It was about talking to God, listening to God, learning about God, praising God, serving God... there was no way to avoid a God-focus last week. All of the usual distractions were removed. It was all about Him.

It seemed that the week flew by; one moment we were arriving, and the next moment we were packing up to leave again. I cannot even begin to recount everything that occurred in between! But it struck me, that week of camp, that even when you do not know what God is doing, so long as you are willing and obedient, you will serve His purposes. I am a detail-oriented person (a dalmatian, for those of you who know what that means). I like to know the what, when, where, why, and how of everything. When God asks me to do something, my first response--I am sad to say--is not action. I begin by gathering information and weighing my options... when really all the information I need is God's direction, and the only options I have are obedience and disobedience.

I thank God that he made me willing and obedient, because the past week with these kids has been amazing. They have surprised me at every turn with their joy, their positivity, their diligence, and the amazing level of excitement they display towards their Heavenly Father. When was the last time I was that excited about God? I've been serious about God, yes... but excited? Enthusiastic? Perhaps it's time for an attitude check.

By the end of the week, I had formed new friendships with my fellow counselors and close connections with the kids. I had listened to their stories. I had prayed with them; I even had the chance to pray with one young girl as she asked Jesus into her life. There is nothing quite like saying the Great Confession and hearing a child's soft, sincere voice repeat it after you; it is impossible to describe. Her life will be changed forever by that prayer... and even as clueless and clumsy as I can be sometimes, I was a part of that. It's a humbling feeling.

As I go into the rest of my year, with Atlanta just around the corner and MACU looming on the horizon, I know I will carry the memory of this week with me. Like the sparkles that dance in front of your eyes after a camera has flashed, so my experiences at camp will continue to influence the way I perceive the rest of my year. I pray that I can view it through child-like eyes of faith, worshiping God first and foremost.

No Excuses

"There was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

-2 Corinthians 12:7b-10 (NIV)

This morning at church, the congregation had the privilege of hearing the testimony of David Ring*, a nationally recognized Christian speaker in whose life God's power is marvelously displayed! Born with cerebral palsy and orphaned at age 14, it didn't seem as though this man had it in him to do great things for God. But he has, and he does, everyday.

Listening to David set my mind working. Every Christian faces challenges in their walk with God. If you haven't faced them yet, you will. Trust me. But there is something about an underdog that appeals to the human spirit. When someone who doesn't seem to have a chance beats the odds, something within us soars. That's because, deep down, we recognize the fact that we were all made for something glorious. God destined us for glory, but we were born into a world ruled by darkness and overcome by evil. Each one of us begins our existence with the deck stacked against us.

Like David, some of us have physical handicaps. Others have mental or emotional handicaps. We all have our quirks and hang-ups that can sometimes seem like immovable mountains... but we're no the only children of God who've been dealt a lousy hand.

Adam was a coward; Eve was naive; Cain was a murderer; Noah was a drunk; Abraham was a liar; Jacob was a thief; Joseph was a slave; Moses had a speech impediment; Rahab was a prostitute; Gideon was timid; Jephthah was an illegitimate child; Samson was a womanizer; Ruth was a widow; David was an adulterer; Solomon worshiped idols; Elijah was the only prophet left in Israel; Esther lived under a genocidal prime minister; Job... well, let's not even get into that... Jeremiah was depressed; Daniel was an exile; Hosea was married to a wayward woman; Jonah was judgmental; John the Baptist was a weirdo; Mary was an unwed mother; James and John had anger issues; Peter was impulsive; Thomas doubted; Judas was a backstabber; and Lazarus was DEAD, for crying out loud! What's your excuse?

Instead of using our issues as cop-outs, we should use them as a platforms for sharing our story. Yeah, it takes guts to admit to all the faults of your old nature, but pretending to be perfect isn't what showcases Christ's power. It's our admission of our hurts, habits and hangups--the things about ourselves that we would most like to hide--that reveals the greatness of what God has done! We have no excuse for not sharing our testimony with anyone we meet. There's no challenge we face that has not already been overcome by Christ's power.

"I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?"

-Jeremiah 32:27

"For nothing is impossible with God."

-Luke 1:37

*For more about David Ring, visit http://www.davidring.org/about.html

Cuts Both Ways

"Talk to younger men as you would to your own brothers... and treat younger women with all purity as you would your own sisters."

-1 Timothy 5:1-2 (NCV)

I've noticed, during the past few months, that there seems to be this invisible line between FUSION* and WIRED** that no one wants to cross. FUSION grumbles and complains about having to do things together with WIRED over the summer, when both groups are low on attendance. I think FUSION needs a major attitude adjustment. Bussey seems to agree with me, saying that we need to set a good example for WIRED over the summer. But I think we can do so much more than simply minding our manners. I think we need to go above and beyond just setting a good example. I think it's time we got our hands dirty.

Over the past year, the small groups have been working through the book, Do Hard Things. In my group, a topic that was often discussed was the low expectations of most of the adults in our lives. When adults think that we are immature, irresponsible, incapable and incorrigible, we tend to act that way. It is so hard to offer our best when people are expecting our worst. But this blade is double-edged. We want people to raise their expectations and think better of us... but we are unwilling to think better of our young brothers and sisters in WIRED. We prefer to think of them as inferior beings of limited intelligence who have a lot of evolving to do before they can join the civilized world.

This is a wrong way of thinking. This is what Christ has to say to that brand of arrogance:

"At about the same time, the disciples came to Jesus asking, 'Who gets the highest rank in God's kingdom?' For an answer Jesus called over a child, whom he stood in the middle of the room, and said, 'I'm telling you, once and for all, that unless you return to square one and start over like children, you're not even going to get a look at the kingdom, let alone get in. Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God's kingdom. What's more, when you receive the childlike on my account, it's the same as receiving me. But if you give them a hard time, bullying or taking advantage of their simple trust, you'll soon wish you hadn't. You'd be better off dropped in the middle of the lake with a millstone around your neck. Doom to the world for giving these God-believing children a hard time!'"

Matthew 18:1-6 (The Message)

This summer, God has placed FUSION in a unique position of influence. The students of FUSION and WIRED will be taught together on a weekly basis. We'll be traveling to Atlanta, GA together for the mission trip. We'll be working and learning side by side. And whether they realize it or not, they'll be looking to us to set the standard. We can either treat this as an unpleasant duty or as an incredible opportunity. It's not enough for us to do our own hard things; we're supposed to show the ones who will come after us how to do hard things too.

We're the adults of tomorrow; do we really want to be shaking our heads ten years from now, bemoaning the failings of our teenagers? Or would we rather begin to impact the next generation of teenagers now, so that we can rejoice with them in their triumphs?

The power of expectations cuts both ways. By expecting little of the WIRED students, we don't just rob them of the opportunity to learn from us. We also cripple ourselves, throwing away the opportunity to grow through the sharing of our experiences. FUSION and WIRED have a lot to learn from each other. Their questions will sharpen our knowledge and strengthen our convictions; our answers will increase their wisdom and build their faith. But we have to invest before we earn interest; we have to plow and plant before we harvest.

I believe that it is the responsibility of the older, stronger, more mature Christians to mentor and disciple the younger, weaker and less mature.

"We who are strong in faith should help the weak with their weaknesses, and not please only ourselves. Let each of us please our neighbors for their good, to help them be stronger in faith."

-Romans 15:1-2 (NCV)

We need to change the way we've been thinking about this summer, FUSION students. This is our chance to share ourselves with the WIRED kids, and help to build them up in Christ. Take advantage of this opportunity; the days are evil.

*High School Youth Group
**Middle School Youth Group

Will It Be Enough?

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to you enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace
Who blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

(Legacy, by Nichole Nordeman)

August seemed a lot farther away in January. Now, in June, August is looming on the horizon. It is literally just around the corner. And in August, I'll be heading off to college at Mid-Atlantic Christian University (formerly Roanoke Bible College). I'll be majoring in Cross-Cultural Ministries and minoring in Counseling. I should be excited. I am. But every time I think about August, I think about all the days that have slipped away.

I could have gone away to school last year, and about this time last year, that's exactly what I wanted to do. God, however, frustrated my plans with a plan of His own.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."

-Proverbs 19:21

God asked me to wait a year before I went away to college. However, he ordered that I be productive during the season of waiting. God's plan, of course, was much better than mine. I've learned some valuable life lessons this year--lessons I would not have learned otherwise. God has stressed to me that even the smallest things are of great importance, and He has taught me to do ordinary things extraordinarily well, in order to develop my character.

I know that the past year has served the Lord's purpose, but all I can see right now is that the year is over already. It's been like writing a timed essay--trying to get it all down on paper, making it understandable and legible, and now time's up, and I'm left scribbling in the last few letters and plunking a period at the end of it. Then all I can do is hope that what I've written is enough to get my point across. I'm praying that what I've done with this year will be enough.

God, I pray that what I've done in my family will be enough. This year I have worked really hard to build my relationship with my siblings. I won't be here to watch over Madison and Kalis and make sure they're on the right track. I'm going to have to trust that the life I've tried to live and the wisdom I've tried to impart will stay with them and influence their decisions.

God, I pray that what I've done in my church will be enough. It has always been a goal of mine to impact the people of my church, especially the young people. With the clock running down, though, I jumped on it this past year. I've tried to invest in people--encouraging, edifying, identifying their potential and drawing it out. I've tried to get them to think bigger, to remember that they are children of the King, made for so much more than mediocrity. I've tried to convince them that they were made to do great things for Christ. I've talked about it, written about it, and lived it to the best of my ability. But will it be enough?

Have I created a big enough splash in this pond that the ripples will outlast my presence? Will my brother continue to look at dating and marriage in a godly way when I'm no longer around to daily reinforce the lesson? Will the kids in my small group continue to "Do Hard Things" when my constant harping is coming from farther away? Will someone step into my shoes and continue pushing the ones I've tried to mentor, spurring them on to love and good deeds? I hope so. I want it to be so.

I know that I will do my best to serve God's purpose wherever He places me. However, I sometimes think that if I just had a little more time here, I could see the fruits of my work, and then it would be easier to move on. But part of being a leader is planting trees under whose shade we will never sit.

"By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as an expert builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should be careful how he builds. "

-1 Corinthians 3:10

So that is my challenge to you all. To my brother and sister. To my small group. To my friends. To my youth minister. To my church. I've run my leg of the race; I can't carry the baton any farther than this. God's called me to be somewhere else, doing something else for His glory. So I have to pass it. I pass it to you.

How to Kill a Leech

A leech. A mooch. A freeloader. We all know at least one. Mine happens to live with me. They do as little work as possible, but they demand more than anyone else. No matter how much attention is lavished on them, they still claim to feel neglected. No matter how many privileges are granted them, they complain about the few that are denied. No matter how you bend over backwards to please them, they are never satisfied. They take and take and take, and never give anything back. Like a leech, they suck the life out of you... until it feels like you have nothing left.

So... what do we do with these people who drive us up the wall? These people who, when we see them coming, make us want to run in the opposite direction? These people we'd sometimes like to strangle? (In my case, anyway...) Well (insert sigh here), this is what the Bible says:

"Here's another old saying that deserves a second look: 'Eye for eye, tooth for tooth.' Is that going to get us anywhere? Here's what I propose: 'Don't hit back at all.' If someone strikes you, stand there and take it. If someone drags you into court and sues for the shirt off your back, gift-wrap your best coat and make a present of it. And if someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously. You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that. In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you."

Matthew 5:38-48 (The Message)

Oh boy. Talk about hard hitting. But Jesus was always direct and to-the-point that way. My favorite part is: "If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus?" Nobody should get Brownie points for fulfilling the minimum requirements; that's my opinion. Doing only what you ought to be doing anyway isn't anything special, and it's certainly not praiseworthy. Going above and beyond the bare minimum... now, that's something.

It takes real guts to love someone who hates you. And I don't mean the mushy-gushy kind of love, or the philosophy that says Christians ought to be doormats. I mean powerful, courageous, coal-heaping love.*

My brother and I had a fight last week about our resident leech, my younger sister. Now I'll admit that I get on her case as much as anybody else in my family, but that night I'd had enough. They'd been fighting, and she went to bed upset. So I told my brother, at risk of my life, that he ought to go and apologize for his part in the screaming match.

He exploded, "She won't even care if I apologize! She'll still be mad, and she won't change even a little bit! Nothing I do is going to change her!"

So many thoughts ran through my head, little bits of wisdom that were all cliche, and therefore inappropriate. So instead I said this:

"You have to be a man of character whether it changes her or not."

After thinking it over a good long while, he went up and apologized, and as I expected, she threw it in his face, and he came tearing down the stairs in a rage.

"See, I told you!" He snapped.

And I just shook my head. That wasn't the point at all. Some people, my sister included, are hard to love. But that doesn't mean that we just ought to give up on them, or behave towards them as they behave towards us. I don't expect my relationships with difficult people to change in a day... but I do think that I can begin to model a more Christ-like kind of love towards them; the kind of love that says, "I love you as you are, but I don't intend to leave you that way."

Kill 'em with kindness. I don't care if that one is cliche, so there!

*Proverbs 25:21-22

Like A Whisper

(Below is a song I recently finished writing, entitled Like a Whisper.)

(verse 1)

I was Elijah in the desert
Despairing of my life
All alone with my fear
I had no more excuses
And no one left to blame
Death seemed an easy escape

(verse 2)

But like Elijah on Horeb
The LORD questioned me:
"What are you doing here?"
I didn't have an answer
I couldn't find the words
But then the LORD passed by

(chorus)

The wind that night
Could have torn apart the mountains
And lightning flashed
Like fire in the sky
The thunder roared
And shook the earth's foundations
The rain poured down
To wash away my tears
And my heart of stone
Was shattered in His presence
And in the aftermath of that storm
I heard His voice
Like a whisper

(verse 3)

I am David at Adullam
Running for my life
My courage fails at every turn
I'm in the valley of the shadow
And it's hard to see the light
But I hope in the LORD my God

(chorus)

The wind that night
Could have torn apart the mountains
And lightning flashed
Like fire in the sky
The thunder roared
And shook the earth's foundations
The rain poured down
To wash away my tears
And my heart of stone
Was shattered in His presence
And in the aftermath of that storm
I heard His voice
Like a whisper

(verse 4)

I've been called like Jeremiah
Young and so afraid
His Word a fire in my heart
God is with me like a warrior
He rescues and He saves
And I stand only because

(chorus)

The wind that night
Could have torn apart the mountains
And lightning flashed
Like fire in the sky
The thunder roared
And shook the earth's foundations
The rain poured down
To wash away my tears
And my heart of stone
Was shattered in His presence
And in the aftermath of that storm
I heard His voice
Like a whisper

(finale)

The truth doesn't need to shout
You've got my attention
Though my strength is small
Though I often fall
I am always listening
Listening
To hear your still, small voice
Like a whisper

Small Group Emails: Whatever Week It Is Now...

(Below is an email I sent to my small group on May 19, 2009)

Hey Everyone!

Nothing like sickness and visiting relatives to keep a person away from small group. However, it was so good to be back! Things have really been picking up speed, haven't they? Planning for Cross the Street Ministry is off to a great start, I think, and I hope that everyone will continue with their awesome input and fantastic ideas! Quick survey: How many of us have finished reading Do Hard Things? I hope that everyone will finish reading their books, and that you don't leave it at that!

I know that collaboration is a powerful thing, and I think it is great that we are all going to be working together, along with others from the youth group, to accomplish these God-given goals. However, I want everyone to remember and consider that the do-hard-things mentality does not just apply to what we can accomplish together; it also applies to what changes we can make in our personal lives. You cannot give what you don't have; it will be incredibly hard to make an impact in the world for Christ if we are not taking care of ourselves spiritually.

Small hard things are probably my favorite topic, and I know I harp on them a lot, but that is because they are so very important! Case in point: King Saul. Saul had a lot of limitations placed on him; we first meet him when he's scouring the hills for his family's donkeys (not the most glorious job, looking for hoof-prints and horse-apples). His family is one of the least prominent in the tribe of Benjamin; Benjamin is a pretty low tribe on the totem-pole. But God chose him out of everyone else, and removed all external obstacles, declaring him king.

However, Saul had some major character flaws that he ignored, and they undermined his ability to lead Israel. He was fearful, impatient and impulsive, not trusting God's timing or asking for his guidance; he was consumed by jealous rage and had a hair-trigger temper, and worst of all, he lied to himself and denied his flaws and mistakes. These were all internal, personal obstacles to his leadership, which God could have helped him to overcome, only he never asked. He never even paid any attention to them. We can all take a lesson from Saul.

Sometimes it's hard to be introspective, especially with all the distractions of summer quickly approaching. But we have to keep at the small hard things that will shape our character and grow us in Christ.

This email is getting a little long-winded, so I'll wrap this up. I'll see a few of you early on Wednesday, and the rest of you on Sunday. I'll be praying for you all!

National Day of Prayer

(Below is an excerpt from my journal, written on May 07, 2009)

Father God,

I had totally forgotten until just a moment ago, when you saw fit to remind me: today is The National Day of Prayer. All over the country, Christians are lifting up their voices in petition for this great nation. I've read that some people do not intend to offer any special prayers on this day, as if they have contempt for the very idea. But I intend to, since I do not pray for my country and it's leaders on a daily basis.

America is at war. I'm not talking about the war in Iraq; that is only a temporary war. No, America has been locked in battle since her birth. He did not mind if she gained her freedom, so long as she used her freedom as an excuse to do evil. And that, sadly, is precisely what she has done. America as a country united under God is almost a thing of the past. Everyone is 'free' to do whatever they please, with little to no regard for other people, and no whatsoever for any moral standard. I think that the freedoms of America are more dangerous for Christians than the persecution in other countries. They pray for us, because they can clearly see how soft and complacent we have become in our imaginary bubble of safety.

I pray first today for Christians across America. Wake them up! Remind them of who they are, and what they're here for. Straighten out their priorities. Unite churches in love; don't let people bicker over the trivial matters that so often divide us. Remind us that we are all a part of one global church, one Body of Christ, not individual cliques or social clubs. Bless the few who really get it, and help them to spread their message. Add to our number daily and help us to disciple them. Help us to use our freedom while it lasts.

I pray for those Christians in positions of influence, be they businessmen, pastors, politicians, law enforcement or military officials, athletes or whatever else. Help and inspire them to use their station in life to take a bold, public stand against evil, for your sake and in your name. Help them to keep their footing, so that your name will not be mocked. Teach these men and women that they were raised to these positions of worldly power 'for such a time as this.'

God, it is a little hard for me to pray for President Obama, since I am somewhat suspicious of him. However, I pray that his motives are pure, and that since he professes Christianity, he will lead this country in a way that is pleasing to you. I know he has a lot to deal with, from the conflict in Iraq to our current economic situation, so please give him wisdom and discernment. Let him seek you in all his decision-making. I pray that his term in the White House will be marked down in history books not just because he was our nation's first African-American leader, but because he was a leader of integrity.

Pray for our country.

That's Not My Job!

This is a story about four people named: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got mad about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Did you follow that? Sound at all familiar?

I'm writing this blog post as a response to something I heard a member of my small group say: "I want a more important job." Uh-oh. Some of my readers may already be able to see where I'm going with this. I smile.

"Great opportunities often disguise themselves in small tasks." -Rick Warren

There are always going to be some jobs that nobody wants to do. However, those are the jobs that make the world go round. Everybody wants to serve God in some big, noticeable way, so that they'll feel good about themselves and other people will praise them. Well, that's all fine and dandy, but this is what Jesus thinks of that kind of attitude:

"Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."

-Matthew 6:1-14 (NIV)

When we are given opportunities for ministry and service, it is tempting to look for an 'important job.' But the actor on stage can't perform if the guy behind the curtain doesn't open it. One job is no more important than the other. Both are essential for the show to go well. My mom always says that nobody wants to be a garbageman, but if there were no garbagemen, we would all notice.

"In fact, some parts of the body that seem weakest and least important are actually the most necessary."

-1 Corinthians 12:22 (NLT)

In our spiritual journey, adopting the attitude of a servant is probably one of the most difficult challenges we're going to face. Serving others involves putting their needs before ours, and sometimes even instead of ours. There might not be a reward. It may be that no one pats us on the back or tells us what a good job we've done. But we have to mature to the point where we no longer need our egos stroked in order to put forth our best effort.

"Notoriety means nothing to real servants, because they know the difference between prominence and significance." -Rick Warren

If you want to look for the right way to serve, we need look no further than The Man Himself:

"Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross. Therefore, God elevated him to the place of highest honor and gave him the name above all other names, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."

-Philippians 2:3-11 (NLT)

Developing this kind of servant's heart is a long and difficult process, I'll acknowledge that. And we're not the first people in history to have trouble with it! Even Jesus' disciples argued amongst themselves as to who was the most important, but Jesus set them straight:

"The apostles got into an argument about which one of them was the greatest. So Jesus told them: 'Foreign kings order their people around, and powerful rulers call themselves everyone's friends. But don't be like them. The most important one of you should be like the least important, and your leader should be like a servant. Who do people think is the greatest, a person who is served or one who serves? Isn't it the one who is served? But I have been with you as a servant.'"

-Luke 22:26-27 (CEV)

Tempted by Ease

"To be honest, I can't imagine how a person could say, 'I'm weak,' and then stay that way. If you know that about yourself, why not fight it, why not develop your character? Their answer has always been: 'Because it's much easier not to!' This reply leaves me feeling rather discouraged. Easy? Does that mean a life of deceit and laziness is easy too? Oh no, that can't be true. It can't be true that people are so readily tempted by ease." -Anne Frank

Up until about two weeks ago, I had been dealing with the constant problem of laziness and procrastination. It's not that I didn't know what I ought to do... I just couldn't seem to bring myself to care enough to do anything about it. Apathy is a dangerous weapon of Satan's. Instead of doing the obvious thing and placing a temptation in your life, which you might be able to pray through and overcome, he instead saps your will to do anything at all, leaving you a mere lump of lard on your couch. He's subtle that way.

I compare the way I became so apathetic to the way you would go about boiling a frog. If you just toss the frog into hot water, it will try to escape, for it will realize its danger. But if you put that same frog in cold water and heat it up slowly, it will never even know it is being boiled alive. I began by putting things off a little. Ah, I'll take care of it in a minute. Then it grew. That will keep until tomorrow. Eventually, the idea of expending the least amount of effort was completely unappealing to me. I was the epitome of the sluggard:

"The sluggard buries his hand in the dish; he will not even bring it back to his mouth!" -Proverbs 19:24

I was really too lazy to cook something if I got hungry, or pour a glass of water if I was thirsty. I wasn't getting anything done--I was keeping busy with all the usual stuff, but I was just going through the motions. The worst of it was, I was aware of my laziness the whole time. I would intend to do something about it... but everyday I managed to convince myself that it was too hard, or that I didn't have the time, or that I was too tired; the list goes on endlessly.

And then there came a weekend when there would be no distractions: no work, no computer, no telephone calls... no friends, even. I went up to Roanoke Bible College for the placement testing and the college preview weekend, and as a last-minute decision, I grabbed The Purpose Driven Life as I was walking out the door to get on the road. So I had three days with just a Bible, a book, a journal and a pen.

As I began to read, and pray--having nothing better to do--God reminded me of his love for me, and of my love for him. He reminded me of my calling (Jeremiah 1:4-10 & 17 & 19), and my reason for being on this earth.

"Love is not Christ making much of us or making life easy. Love is doing what he must do, at great cost to Himself (and often to us), to enable us to enjoy making much of Him forever." -John Piper

Early in my life as a Christian, I prayed to be given a hard task. I've always wanted to live my life on an epic scale, viewing it as a grand adventure, where good must ultimately triumph over evil. Well, God granted my request. He offered me a hard task... and my journey has been incredibly hard. I have endured difficulties and temptations from without, but my greatest struggles have been with myself. Who can combat my laziness and apathy except me? No one can force me to put forth any real effort. No one can make me do any more than the bare minimum. I have to choose to work with all my heart.

A wise person once said to me:

"If you don't think that you can push yourself and do your best for yourself, then push yourself and do your best for God." -Jonathan Phipps

It was certainly by no will of my own that I began in earnest to pray and study again. It is not my will that's been dragging my butt out of bed at six o'clock every morning so I'll have time to myself to pray. God's will is stronger than mine; all I had to do was surrender myself to it.

"To what will you look for help if you will not look to that which is stronger than yourself?" -C. S. Lewis

And now, because I have turned from all the trying, all the struggling and fighting, and even from the despair and resignation, and have prayed the simple but earnest prayer, "God help me," I am experiencing a closeness with God that I had almost given up on ever finding again.

Matthew West's new song, The Motions, are words I poured out to God directly from my heart, from the moment I first heard it.

This might hurt
It's not safe
But I know that I've got to make a change
I don't care if I break
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause "just okay" is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't want to go through the motions
I don't want to go one more day
Without your all-consuming passion inside of me
I don't want to spend my whole life asking
"What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions?"

It's not enough for men to think well of me. When people think well of us, we tend to become complacent, and we no longer pursue righteousness, because partial or even pseudo-righteousness is 'good enough' for the rest of society; praiseworthy, even. I can do all the good in the world, but unless I am motivated by and possessed with an all-consuming love of God, it means nothing.