Lead Me

Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams
But what about us?


Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone


("Lead Me," by Sanctus Real)


Revelations tend to hit me at two or three in the morning, when talking to good friends.  This one was no exception.  I have gone the whole of my Christian life without a mentor.  I have had people of great influence in my life, and I do not want to belittle anything that they have done; they have helped me immeasurably and have been an integral part of shaping my character.  I am grateful to them; they have taught me many things.  But I have always wished and prayed for something more... and I have almost given up on finding it.

Perhaps it would be helpful if I gave my definition of a mentor.  Early in my Christian walk, I looked long and hard for a mentor.  But my search was in vain.  Do you know why?  Because first and foremost, a mentor is an initiator.  A mentor is a person who can see in you what you cannot yet see in yourself.  A mentor is a person who can see the potential through all the pride and pretensions, and who makes it the object of their life to draw that potential out into the open.  I could ask a thousand people what they see in me; a mentor is a person who has seen it already.  It didn't do me any good to go looking for a mentor... because the mentor was supposed to have been looking for me.

"So Elijah went and found Elisha son of Shaphat plowing a field.  There were twelve teams of oxen in the field, and Elisha was plowing with the twelfth team.  Elijah went over to him and threw his cloak across his shoulders and then walked away.  Elisha left the oxen standing there, ran after Elijah, and said to him, 'First let me go and kiss my father and mother goodbye, and then I will go with you!'  Elijah replied, 'Go on back, but think about what I have done to you." (1 Kings 19:19-20, NLT)


It is of no little importance that Elijah, the greatest prophet of his day, sought out his successor, Elisha.  Elijah found his young protégé hard at his regular work; Elisha was no slacker.  He was doing all that he knew to do.  But Elijah knew, because God had revealed it to him, that Elisha was destined to do greater things.  In one majestic and meaningful moment, the great prophet threw his own cloak over the shoulders of the young man and began to walk away--a clear invitation for Elisha to follow; to become all that Elijah was, and more.

For the next twenty years, Elisha would follow hard on Elijah's heels, seeking to become a holy man just like him.  Elijah invested himself in raising up Elisha to lead after him; he poured himself into Elisha's life, and spent himself for the sake of that one young man.  A mentor is not only an initiator; a mentor is also an investor.  Do you think it is any small coincidence that Christ himself spent most of his earthly ministry with a group of just twelve un-extraordinary young men?  And out of those twelve, he gave special attention to just three--Peter, James and John.  What was going on there?  Favoritism?  No!  Mentorship!

"'The person who trusts Me will not only do what I'm doing, but even greater things, because I, on My way to the Father, am giving you the same work to do that I've been doing.'"  (John 14:12, MSG)

Jesus knew that He was not long for this world; so he invested what time He had in those who would carry on His work after He had returned to His Father.  He gave all that He had in the short term, because He was thinking long-term; He saw far beyond the snapshot to the bigger picture.  Christ taught his disciples; He talked with and listened to them.  He spent countless hours with them.  He prayed for them.  He was not expecting an immediate return on His investment, and he received none--in His hour of greatest need, all but one of the twelve men he had poured three years of his life into, deserted Him.  But all save one went on to become the greatest leaders history has ever known; their message has spread to the ends of the earth; they changed the world.  This is the kind of self-sacrifice mentorship demands.  To be a mentor is to invest your whole self in another person; it is a risk, and you may never see a reward.   Count the cost!  Is it worth it?

"'I will very gladly spend and be spent for your souls; though the more abundantly I love you, the less I am loved.'"  (2 Corinthians 12:15, NKJV)

"Sometimes leadership is planting trees under whose shade you will never sit."  -Jennifer Granholm

Mentors are not only initiators and investors; they are also inspirers.  Their lives are exemplary; admirable and integrous.  Their depth of character convicts and incites others to action.  Their love for God is staggering.  Other people see them and think, "I want to be just like them."  Mentors have first been taught by God; passed like silver through the refining fires of trial and hardship.  Their journey with God has been strenuous; they have been pushed to the very limits of their faith.  A mentor is one who walks closely with God; who follows hard after Him.  That intimacy, lived out, is what draws the attention of others.  That is what puts an ache into the hearts of those who see.  That is the reason Elisha left the oxen standing in the field; that is the reason Peter, James and John abandoned their nets.  That is the reason the Apostle Paul could say:

"Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ."  (1 Corinthians 11:1, NIV)

A mentor requires no other qualifications or credentials than a relationship with God and a call from Him.  Christians are called to live lives of influence; they are called to mentor and to disciple!  Feelings of unworthiness do not exempt anyone!  Before he sought out Elisha, Elijah was hiding out in the desert, begging God to let him die.  He was utterly discouraged and despairing.  It took a glimpse of God's glory, and the intimacy of a whisper, to remind Elijah of his passion and purpose.  And the first task God set him?  Raising up leaders.  (1 Kings 19:1-18)

So, Father, give me the strength

To be everything I'm called to be

Oh, Father, show me the way to lead them

Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands

To stand up when they can't

So we can call this our home

Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

("Lead Me," by Sanctus Real)

Who, I wonder, will seek me out?  I am hard at my regular work!  Come and find me!  Surely you can see something yet to be drawn out in me?  Throw your cloak over my shoulders; I am willing to humble myself under you and be taught.  Are you willing to spend yourself for my sake?  I want to follow hard after you as you follow hard after Christ.  Lead me!

This is not just my prayer; this is the prayer of many young people!  Will you accept the call to mentorship?

One Life to Love

Teach me to number my days
Count every moment
Before it slips away
Take in all the colors
Before they fade to gray
I don't want to miss
Even just a second
More of of this


It happens in a blink
It happens in a flash
It happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight
But there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life?
It happens in a blink


When it's all said and done
No one remembers 
How far we have run
The only thing that matters
Is how we have loved
I don't want to miss
Even just a second
More of this


Slow down, slow down
Before today becomes our yesterday
Slow down, slow down
Before you turn around and it's too late


("Blink," by Revive)



Ah... what to say?  What to say?  I am at a loss for words.  I have cried so much.  My head is throbbing, and there is an ache in my chest that will not go away.  One of my dear friends, Jonathan Schipper, who is like a brother to me, was shot and killed in the MACU dormitory on Sunday afternoon by another student.  The last time I saw Jon, I told him that I loved him, but I didn't let him give me a hug goodnight.  Oh, oh, how I wish I had.  How I wish I could go back, and hold him close.  But life doesn't work that way.  There is no rewind button.

Rumors are flying.  Cameras and reporters are on campus.  I would like to punch a few people in the face.  Shut up.  Go away.  Leave us in peace.  These are things I would like to say... but I don't.  Today I walked down to East Campus, to the Ebenezer Stone.  "Thus far has the LORD helped us," the inscription reads.  Jon loved to walk down there; it was where he talked with God, and did battle with Satan, on behalf of his family, his friends and his school.  I walked down there to be alone, to cry, and to say, "Love you, miss you, see you."  Schipper never said goodbye, and he hated to hear those words from anyone else.  It was always, "Love you,  miss you, see you."  And we will.

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times, I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you?


I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is
Then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through, somehow?
I've never been more homesick than now


Help me, Lord, 'cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why, I wonder if I'll ever know?
But even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
'Cause I'm still here so far away from home


In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold on to Jesus with all that I have
To see you again


("Homesick," by MercyMe)


To live is Christ... to die is gain.  And I'm torn between the two.  Our loss is Jon's gain; I know he's looking down at me and growling at me the way he used to whenever I was upset... Chin up, darlin'.  I rejoiced with laughter when it dawned on me for the first time, that Jon not only got to meet his Maker on Sunday afternoon, but also his two siblings, whom he loved very dearly.  What a happy reunion that must have been!  He is well remembered; I spent the afternoon and evening with our closest friends; we took turns talking about his quirks, telling stories and jokes on him like we always have--Schipper loved it when we joked on him about his puns, or about being an "old man."  He lived vicariously through Wolverine, the character from the X-Men comics. We've had plenty of laughs imagining that when Peter met Jon at the gate with his crown, Jon said, "I'll pass on the crown; I'd rather have the claws."  Ah... Logan... how I love you.

We have more of Jon than mere memories, though.  We have his legacy.  He had great love and passion for children yet to be born; that passion led him to encourage a friend to have her baby despite severe health risks, and all advice to the contrary from doctors.  She decided not to heed their advice, but to listen to Jon and trust in God.  Doctors are now eating their words.  A child will be a born because of Jonathan Schipper; for that, I cry happy tears.

Jon loved to get us all together to pray; on Sunday night, after we learned of his death, the entire student body gathered in the chapel to pray.  MACU alumni in forty-five states and thirteen countries were praying with us.  Sister schools and churches all over the world were praying with us.  We are all praying, still.  I'm sure he is very pleased with himself.  I laughed out loud when I first thought of that, leaned over and whispered it to another friend, who also laughed out loud before wrapping his arms around me and telling me that he would pretend I was crying, so people wouldn't judge me.  I laughed harder--who cares what people think?  Schipper never did.

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to you enough to make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace 
Who blessed Your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy


("Legacy," Nichole Nordeman)


They called for open mic during the prayer service, so people could share a memory, a verse, a thought, or a prayer if they so chose.  All those who shared memories spoke of the love they could see in Schipper.  He made a point of saying hello to everyone he knew, whenever he saw them.  When Schipper asked how you were doing, he meant for you to tell him--he wouldn't be put off by a casual, "I'm fine."  He got to know a lot of the freshmen, this year.  He wanted to know them; he wanted them to feel like a part of the MACU family. Jon used to talk to me about his warrior spirit; I used to tell him he was a lover, not a fighter.  I now believe he is both.  He fought to love, and he fought for those he loved in prayer.  I know he did battle with Satan on my behalf this summer, when I was struggling with the sin of hatred and a spirit of unforgiveness.  Oh... how he loved.


You only get just one time around
You only get one shot at this
One chance to find out
The one thing that you don't want to miss
One day when it's all said and done
I hope you see that it was enough
This one ride
One try
One life to love


("One Life to Love," by 33 Miles)


When I went down to the Ebenezer Stone today, I talked with Jon for just a little while; I felt that I had a few things to say:

"Logan... you know I hate making promises, and that I don't make promises I can't keep.  But I promise I'll keep my chin up.  I promise I won't give up.  I promise I'll press forward, and do what God has called me to do.  And I promise I will love."


"Be alert.  Continue strong in the faith.  Have courage, and be strong.  Do everything in love."


-1 Corinthians 16:13-14, NCV




(I request that readers be in prayer for Mid-Atlantic Christian University, for the Schipper family, for the family of the other student involved, and for those who were close to both students.  Pray for truth, love, and peace.  God bless.)

All I Can Say

Lord I'm tired

So tired from walking

And Lord I'm so alone

And Lord the dark

Is creeping in

Is creeping up

To swallow me

I think I'll stop

Rest here awhile


And didn't You see me crying?

And didn't You hear me call Your name?

And wasn't it You I gave my heart to?

Wish You'd remember where You sat it down


And this is all

This is all that I can say right now

This is all that I can give

I know it's not much

This is all that I can say right now

This is all that I can give

That's my everything


I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that that was You holding me
I didn't notice You were crying too
I didn't know that that was You washing my feet


("All I Can Say," by David Crowder Band)




Sometimes I just get tired.  It's hard to explain what I mean by that statement.  I just get thoroughly worn out--physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  Every so often (and more frequently of late), I find myself in tired, frustrated, lonely tears.  I pray; I read my Bible.  I find comfort there.  But sometimes it's just not enough.  Sometimes when I pray, words just won't come, and I end up crying again and saying, "God, please..." because I don't know what to ask for.  And sometimes when I read my Bible, I struggle to understand (or I do understand, but I struggle to accept the teaching).

How nice it would be if my days turned to sunshine simply because I remembered my morning devotions and took the time to pray!

In times like these, I usually want one of two things (or sometimes both): A really big hug and some strong encouragement, or some serious solitude, where my soul can be refreshed.  I took a walk the other night and talked with God, wrestling with Him as I struggled to master my heart.  It is usually easy for me to wrap my mind around the things God asks of me; my heart is another matter.  I tried explaining to a friend once:  "Most of the time I'm all right, but sometimes I just feel like telling God, 'That's just too hard!'"

When I was a young Christian, just starting out in my walk with God, I used to pray that God would give me a hard task, one that no one else could do.  And He has done so; I have been consecrated for this single, holy purpose.  I prayed for a hard task; should I be surprised, or angry with God, for answering that prayer?  I am so very grateful for the impetuous, faith-filled prayers that marked the beginning of my walk with God; I will not lie--I think twice now before I pray for something, counting the cost.  Because God does indeed answer prayers; He just doesn't always answer in the way I would like, and He never answers in the way I would expect!  Answered prayers can be painful, at times.

Some people might dismiss these times of spiritual weariness as depression; but it's not that simple.  When Satan has worn away at me like water dripping on a rock, no amount of cheering up is going to soothe the soreness of my soul.  It takes prayer--my prayers, the intercession of my friends, and the intercession of the Holy Spirit.  At all times, I am engaged in spiritual warfare; but sometimes I just need to drop my sword and cry for awhile.  It's not a sin to be sad, nor are tears and pain an indication of faithlessness.  Just take a look at the the story of Job or the psalms of David.  Having been weary with sorrow to the point of death Himself, I know that my Lord knows my pain and aches with me.  When I run into my Father's arms, He catches me and holds me close; He lets me cry myself to sleep in His arms.  When I wake, He bolsters my strength and reminds me of His, as He did for Elijah in the desert.  Only then can I take up my sword again to do battle.

"[The LORD] gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might, He increases strength.  Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young man shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."


-Isaiah 40:29-31, NKJV

I See Christ

(Below is a song written today for a beloved friend, entitled, "I See Christ.")


I see love
Reflected in your eyes
I have called you friend
But you have been
So much more


You have been His outstretched arms
You have been His broken heart
You've been His hands washing my feet
You've been His voice whispering so sweet
I've seen His love shine in your eyes
And when I look at you
I don't see a man
I see Christ


I see grace
Reflected in your life
A comrade brave and true
Just look at you
Strong warrior


You have been His outstretched arms
You have been His broken heart
You've been His hands washing my feet
You've been His voice whispering so sweet
I've seen His love shine through your life
And when I look at you
I don't see a man
I see Christ


Every time you've wiped my tears
Every time you've calmed my fears
Every time I've heard you say,
"I love you and you know I'll pray,"
You help me fight for one more day


You have been His outstretched arms
You have been His broken heart
You've been His hands washing my feet
You've been His voice whispering so sweet
And I know you'd lay down your life
So when I look at you
I don't see a man
I see Christ

Learning to Be a Living Sacrifice

Empty hands held high
Such small sacrifice
If not joined with my life
I sing in vain tonight

Lord, I give my life

A living sacrifice

To reach a world in need

To be Your hands and feet

May the words I say
And the things I do
Make my lifesong sing
Bring a smile to you


Let my lifesong sing to You
Let my lifesong sing to You
I want to sign Your name
To the end of this day
Knowing that my heart was true
Let my lifesong sing to You


Hallelujah, hallelujah
Let my lifesong sing to you


("Lifesong," by Casting Crowns)




"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life--your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life--and place it before God as an offering.  Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him.  Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking.  Instead, fix your attention on God.  You'll be changed from the inside out.  Readily recognize what He wants from you, and quickly respond to it.  Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings out the best of you, develops well formed maturity in you."


-Romans 12:1-2, MSG




I've been back at Mid-Atlantic Christian University for the first two weeks of the fall semester, and it feels good to be back!  It feels like being home.  It's been a crazy two weeks--an intensive course in linguistics, the first week of regular classes, church, volunteering with the church's youth group as a youth leader and member of the worship band--I feel like I've hardly had time to sit down, except in class!  I know the craziness will die down in another week or so as I get back into the swing of things and settle into a regular routine, but with 21 credit hours in addition to everything I want to be a part of outside of classes, I know I will keep very busy!


More than being crazy, though, these two weeks have been packed with spiritual warfare.  Satan attacked me with deep, painful loneliness the very first week.  It seemed strange to me, to be so excited to meet the incoming freshmen, and so overjoyed to see the friends--no, family--I had been separated from all summer, and yet feel so terribly alone.  Nevertheless, loneliness was Satan's weapon of choice, and he used it to his full advantage.  It did not, however, have the effect he was hoping for.  I was discouraged and downcast--yes, there were many tears--but rather than turning me from God, it drove me to Him.


My prayer life has been revived in these first two weeks of school; I am filled with an almost giddy sort of happiness as I type those words.  I have known since I became a Christian five years ago that prayer was the lifeblood of my relationship with my Father God, and when I was a new Christian, I prayed all the time.  I carried my prayer journal everywhere, just in case I had a few moments where I could sit and talk with God.  About two years into my walk, though, prayer became very difficult.  It became more of a task than a talk; my prayers became fewer and farther between as time went on, interspersed with brief periods of revival that never seemed to last.  I knew the power of prayer and understood it, believed in it, and preached it.  Prayer affected great change in my life and in the lives of those around me.  I knew the difference between prayer that was alive and prayer that was just going through the motions.  It's been a very long time since my consistent prayers were more than going through the motions.  Because of the faith-increasing trials of this summer, I have put my heart back into my prayer life.


"Desire gives fervor to prayer.  The soul cannot be listless when some great desire fixes and inflames it.  Strong desires make strong prayers.  The neglect of prayer is the fearful token of dead spiritual desires."


-E. M. Bounds


The one thing I desire
Is just to know You more
To live a life that moves and breathes
And loves to bring You joy
So fill me with a fire
That burns away my doubts and all my fears
Into a place where You are all I hear
It's the one thing I desire
To do what You require
Is the one thing I desire


("I Desire," by Natalie Grant)


My great desire--not just while I am here at school, but always--is to know and love God increasingly, and to love Him and live Him into other people's lives as much as I possibly can, to the best of my ability.  That may sound pretentious, but I do not claim to desire this at all times.  Sometimes my desires are totally selfish.  But in my best moments, when I am surrendering to God, this is ALL I want.

Often, and especially in the past two weeks, this desire leads me to do things that are beyond the scope of my abilities, like taking so many classes or doing lead vocals and playing guitar for the youth worship band, when I only just learned to play and can only play a handful of songs!  But an excerpt from my prayer journal yesterday morning illustrates my thoughts on that matter:

"I feel as though I am in a little over my head, here.  But that's okay, because it means that I have to depend on You to get me through."

I don't have a whole lot to offer; but I can offer all of what I do have.  I may not be the smartest, but I can devote all my mental faculties to learning the material for these courses at school.  I may not be the most organized, but I can discipline myself to being orderly, getting things done on time, and being where I'm supposed to be when I'm supposed to be there.  I may not know everything there is to know about Scripture, nor do I always apply it, but I can share and teach what I do know, and I can study daily to learn and apply even more.  I may not be the best musician, but I can make a concerted effort to push myself and learn to play, and if what little ability I have gained thus far is useful to God, then who am I to argue?  I wonder if the widow doubted herself before she gave her mite?

Little is much when God's in it
And no one can fathom the plans He holds
Little is much when God's in it
He changes the world with the seeds we sow
Little is much


("Little Is Much," by Downhere)

If God's purpose this summer was to increase my faith, and show me that nothing is impossible for Him, then I would have to conclude from my observations thus far that this semester His purpose is going to be teaching me to live out that faith--not just in the obvious ways, such as my missionary training here at school, my church involvement, and my personal devotional life, but also in the inconspicuous ways that no one would notice... in the ways that I myself might not even notice!

I may never know the impact I have on others; the little things I say and do may go no farther than myself, or they may create a ripple effect, with consequences that reach far beyond myself, my circle of friends, my school, or my community.  Keeping this uncertainty in mind, I realize that I always need to be mindful of my words and actions.  Every act is an act of worship; but not every act honors God.  Some of my actions demonstrate my worship of self, or my worship of others, or my worship of security.  It is difficult to wrap my brain around the concept of offering even the smallest details of my life to God as an offering, but it is not a hard concept to wrap my heart around.  God cares about small details; He even knows the number of hairs on my head.  Why shouldn't He care about the minute details that make up my person and character?

Change my heart, O God
Make it ever true
Change my heart, O God
May I be like You


You are the Potter
I am the clay
Mold me and make me
This is what I pray


("Change My Heart, O God," by Eddie Espinosa)


I look forward to seeing what God has in store for me as He builds my identity and integrity this semester in a way that pleases Him.

On the Road to Beautiful

Life ain't always beautiful

Sometimes it's just plain hard

Life can knock you down

It can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful

You think you're on your way

But it's just a dead end road

At the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger

And the changes make you wise

And happiness has it's own way

Of taking it's sweet time

No, life ain't always beautiful

Tears will fall sometimes

Life ain't always beautiful

But it's a beautiful ride

Life ain't always beautiful

Some days I miss your smile

I get tired of walking

All these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute

I could see your pretty face

Guess I can dream

But life don't work that way

But the struggles make me stronger

And the changes make me wise

And happiness has it's own way

Of taking it's sweet time

No, life ain't always beautiful

But I know I'll be fine

Hey life ain't always beautiful

But it's a beautiful ride

What a beautiful ride

("Life Ain't Always Beautiful," by Gary Allan)

I crumble at Your kiss and grace

I'm a weakling in the dust

Teach me how to cling to You

With all my life and all my love

Father, come to me, hold me up

'Cause I can barely stand

My strength is gone and my breath is short

I can't reach out my hand

But my heart is set on a pilgrimage to heaven's own bright King

So in faltering and victory, I will always sing

And on the road to beautiful

My seasons always change

But my life is spent on loving You

To know You in Your power and pain

You're my portion in this life

You're my strength now in my fight

And to You I pledge my heart

In the pain and in the dark

I'll love You

I'll love You

("On the Road to Beautiful," by Charlie Hall)

At the beginning of the summer, my fiance and I entered a season of silence, during which time we had no contact with one another, choosing instead to focus on our individual relationships with our Father God, earnestly seeking His will and asking Him to search us and know our hearts, test us and know our anxious thoughts, see if there was any offensive way in us, and lead us in the way everlasting.  (Psalm 139:23-24, NIV)  This time of silence and separation proved fruitful; God grew us both in faith and confirmed our callings to serve on the mission field.  This time apart and alone with God exposed faults, fears, and failings within each of us.  God asked difficult things of both of us this summer, and did great works in and through our lives. 

When our season of silence ended, we enjoyed sharing our experiences and praising God together for the lessons learned over the summer.  There was cause for much rejoicing!  However, there was also cause to mourn; much prayer went into our decision to break our engagement and return to our single lives.  Decisions like this one are not easy, but they are good; they are painful, but they are necessary; they are difficult, but they are faithful.  We have chosen to obey God by continuing to serve one another as a brother and sister in Christ and as fast friends in true fellowship, spurring each other on to love and good deeds.

I have shed many tears in the week since making this decision; though I trust in the plans God has for me and know in my heart that His way is best, I am not immune to heartache.

"We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."

-C. S. Lewis

I do not regret this decision, nor do I resent God for asking us to make it.  Even in my times of deep sorrow, I have hope and peace; I have the assurance of God's faithfulness and the promise that He will never leave nor forsake me.  Nothing can snatch me out of His hand.  I also have within my heart the burning passion of my call to take the gospel to the Jewish people; God is sharpening my focus and urging me to be purposeful.  Yesterday, during a tearful time of prayer and study, God lifted up my head and filled me with courage using the words of the Apostle Paul:

"This what I do:  I don't look back, I lengthen my stride, and I run straight toward the goal to win the prize that God's heavenly call offers in Christ Jesus."

-Philippians 3:13-14, NLT

"I don't place any value on my own life.  I want to finish the race I'm running.  I want to carry out the mission I received from the Lord Jesus--the mission of testifying to the Good News of God's kindness."

-Acts 20:24, GWT

The night my fiance and I made the decision to break our engagement, he told me that I have beautiful feet, and that I should run and not look back; that is exactly what I intend to do.  Though there will certainly be days spent walking in the valleys, I know that I will never walk alone.

"The feeling remains that God is on the journey too."

-St. Teresa of Avila

My Heart's Cry

(Below is a prayer prayed at midnight, July 29th, 2010)


Fearless warriors in a picket fence
Reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end
And we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences
The God we want and the God Who Is
Will we trade our dreams for His?
Or are we caught in the middle?


("Somewhere in the Middle," by Casting Crowns)




God...

Time to ditch the common sense.  Enough of these games.  Enough of searching for a way to better myself.  I am not an imperfect creature in need of improvement; I am a rebel who must lay down my arms.  You know my deeds; that I have been neither cold nor hot.  Because I was lukewarm, You were about to spit me out of Your mouth.  I thought I was rich and secure and strong, that I did not need a thing.  But I was wrong.  I am a poor and needy wretch, and I have been so blind.  I have walked around like the Emperor in his new clothes, shamefully unaware of my nakedness.  I need You, O Lord my God.

I need You like water
Like breath, like rain
I need You like mercy
From heaven's gates
There's a freedom in Your arms
That carries me through
I need You


("I Need You," by LeAnn Rimes)


I need from You the gold of fidelity refined in the fires of trial and the garments of purity and innocence washed in Jesus' blood.  Cover my nakedness, O God, and open my eyes.  God, I praise You for Your love and compassionate mercy, that You are relentless in Your pursuit of me.  I am grateful even for the sting of Your rebuke and the smart of Your discipline.

Oh, how You love me!  God, I pray that You will empower me to love with the same love.  All-consuming and intense, like a blazing fire many waters cannot quench.

The one thing I desire
Is just to know You more
To live a life that moves and breathes
And loves to bring You joy
So  fill me with a fire
That burns away my doubts and all my fears
Into a place where You are all I hear
It's the one thing I desire
To do what You require
Is the one thing I desire


("I Desire," by Natalie Grant)


God, empty me of me, that I might be filled with You.  You must become greater; I must become less.  You made yourself nothing for me; You emptied and poured Yourself out.  God, I pray that I might make much of You and nothing of myself.  I care nothing for even eventual exaltation; I pray that I might live my life so well that, when I come to the end of it, no one will remember my name--only that I lived to glorify Yours.

God, help me.  O Lord, I love Thee.  I am a wretch, but I love Thee.  Teach me to love You more, not with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth.  You took the very nature of a servant and spent Yourself for my soul; I pray that I might do the very same thing.  No more self-righteousness.  No more hypocrisy.  Only humility, and steadfast determination to recognize, confess and glory in my imperfections, which serve only to make Your Name great.

God, content me always in my circumstances and never in my character.  Let me give You glory, honor and praise in all things, and always yield to Your power at work in me.  Make my faith like that of a child--simple, joyful and pure.  Increase it daily.  I have great need of You, and great desire to need You even more.

"O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more.  I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace.  I am ashamed of my lack of desire.  O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still.  Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed.  Begin in mercy a new work of love within me.  Say to my soul, 'Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away.'  Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long."


-A. W. Tozer


"Christ with me
Christ before me
Christ behind me
Christ in me
Christ beneath me
Christ above me
Christ on my right
Christ on my left
Christ when I lie down
Christ when I sit down
Christ when I arise
Christ in the head of every man who thinks of me
Christ in the mouth of every man who speaks of me
Christ in every eye that sees me
Christ in every ear that hears me"


-St. Patrick


Father, You have glorified Your Name.  Glorify it again in me, by the life I live or the death I die.  Let me bring every thought captive to You; let my every action flow out of my love for You.  Let all I do be done to the uttermost, with the strength You provide.  God, You are great; You are worthy; You  are holy, Holy, HOLY.  Your grace has been multiplied to me a thousand times, and I praise You for that; I know I shall need it a thousand times more.

Teach me to love all that You love and hate all that You hate.  Let me spend myself for the sake of the love You bear for both sinner and saint, lost and found.  God, may I exult only in You.  Let nothing please me save that You please me first.  You delight in me; may I always delight in You.  Draw near to me as I draw near to You, and let my nearness cause others to seek Your face.

God, may I care nothing at all for myself and everything for You!  May I struggle and strain to be wholly Yours, pressing onward for love of You, whether there is a prize or not.

You're all I want
You're all I need
You're Everything


("Everything," by Lifehouse)


More than my next breath
More than life or death
All I'm reaching for
I live my life to know You more
I leave it all behind
You're all that satisfies
To know You is to want to know You more


("To Know You," by Casting Crowns)


May I desire nothing save You.  God, I desire this.  Stoke this fire.  Do not let it dwindle.  Keep me burning with passion for You.  Stir my soul.  And even when I feel nothing, let me obey, for You are the Way, the Truth and the Life.  Your love is a symphony; an ache in my bones.  Be my life.  Be my breath.  Be everything else to me.  I pray that my offering might be acceptable in Your sight, my Lord and my God.

Things Not Seen

My friend

You know how this all ends

And you know where you're going

You just don't know how you get there

So say a prayer

And hold on

'Cause there's good for those who love God

And life is not a snapshot

It might take a little time

But you'll see the bigger picture

Would you dare, would you dare to believe

That you still have a reason to sing?

'Cause the pain that you've been feeling

Can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on

You've got to wait for the light

Press on

And just fight the good fight

'Cause the pain that you've been feeling

Is just the dark before the morning

("Before the Morning," by Josh Wilson)

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

-Hebrews 11:1, KJV

This past Sunday was my last week to teach Sunday school.  Once again, God kept me waiting until the last minute before presenting me with a topic.  I had prayed and searched scripture all week, but I couldn't think of what to teach until God called me out into the hayfield on Friday night to lay on my back and look up at the stars.  I have not done so since I came home from school.  I have not done so alone since last summer, prior to my freshman year at MACU.  (See Archives for "Stargazing with Abraham.")  

As I lay there, I marveled at God's beauty.  My panoramic view of the vaulting velvet sky above me made my soul very quiet.  I remembered all of God's promises; all of His plans for me; every word He has ever spoken that I have cherished and pondered in my heart.  How, I wondered, when God has been so faithful, when He has helped me thus far, could I ever doubt Him?  How could I ever waver in my faith?  How could I ever fail to believe that what He has promised, He will make good?  One the one hand, I believe and trust Him with all my heart... but on the other, it is so hard each time to ask, to reach, to step out in faith!

"'I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

-Mark 9:24, NIV

'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus

Just to take Him at His word

Just to rest upon His promise

Just to know, "Thus saith the Lord."

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!

How I've proved Him o'er and o'er!

Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus

O for grace to trust Him more!

("'Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus," by Louisa Stead and William Kirkpatrick)

The measure of a person's faith is whether or not they live what they say they believe.  Faith without action is dead.  The first activity of faith is prayer--and what have my prayers been lately?  Few, and far between, and full of doubt.  It is so tempting to lean on my own understanding; to do only those things I believe I can handle on my own!  Do I believe that God is Who He says He is, and that He can do what He says He can do?  Yes, I believe this... and yet.  I seldom live in light of what I believe.  

As I lay there in the quiet, though, I began to understand why my faith is so small and feeble.  The longer I lay there, the more my eyes adjusted to the darkness, and the more stars became visible to the naked eye.  I was reminded of a verse:

"For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; while we look not at things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal."

-2 Corinthians 4:17-18, KJV

The more I see of God, the more of Him there is to see.  He draws me ever "further up and further in" ("The Last Battle," by C. S. Lewis).  Time and time again He reminds me that there is more to my life than meets the eye.  This has been a hard summer.  It's been hard for me, and it's been hard for those I love.  I have felt the weight of my own trials, and the weight of theirs as well.  There has been much to celebrate, and much to ache over. Many victories and many defeats.  This warrior is a child; despite every battle won, oftentimes all I want to do is sit down and cry.  Yet there is this overwhelming sense of awe as I see God at work; my heart cries out, "God, what are you doing?"  

Whatever You're doing

Inside of me

It feels like chaos

But somehow there's peace

It's hard to surrender

To what I can't see

But I'm giving in

To something heavenly

Whatever You're doing

Inside of me

It feels like chaos

But I believe

You're up to something

Bigger than me

Larger than life

Something heavenly

("Whatever You're Doing," by Sanctus Real)

I had a very thoughtful Monday morning at work.  There is a driving need in my soul to know the why behind my circumstances.  I know that something bigger than me is going on here; something epic and eternal... and I want to know what it is!  As I was wondering--and muttering--quietly to myself about this while I worked, I heard the sharp rebuke of the Lord in my heart:

"Having eyes, see ye not?  And having ears, hear ye not?  And do ye not remember?"

-Mark 8:18, KJV

Jesus spoke these words to His disciples when they were worried about having no bread; I can just imagine his exasperated tone as He reminds them of the fact that He provided bread for five thousand from just five small loaves, and bread for four thousand from seven small loaves. At the call to remember, I looked back upon the past two months, upon the past year, upon the past two years.  My view again became panoramic; my spiritual eyes adjusted to take in the big picture.

Time and again God has asked me to go in the strength that I have to do what He has asked of me, simply trusting that His plans are good and that He will take care of me.  Though I have fought and fussed at Him, when I have finally loosed my white-knuckled grip on the desire to order and control my own life, He has always done more for me than I could ever have asked for or imagined.

Having wrested my attention away from my usual narrow focus and convicted me through the words from my own mouth as I taught on Sunday morning, God proceeded on Monday morning to bring to mind every good thing He has promised me that He has brought to pass; He said to me:

"'I know what I'm doing!  I have it all planned out--plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for."

-Jeremiah 29:11, MSG

Though my life has recently been turbulent, full of dark places I have not wanted to go and hard things I have neither wanted to do nor had the strength to do alone, I am beginning to see the light at the end of this tunnel.  For now, I can let go the need to know why.  God's promises are good:

"We don't yet see things clearly.  We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist.  But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright!  We'll see it all then, as clearly as God sees us, knowing Him directly, just as He knows us."

-1 Corinthians 13:12, MSG

I long for that day and live in anticipation of it.  But this is my prayer for the moment:

I'm so glad I learned to trust Thee

Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend

And I know that Thou art with me

Wilt be with me to the end

("'Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus," by Louisa Stead and William Kirkpatrick)

Kaleidoscope

(Below is a song I wrote today--the very first song for which I've been able to pick out the chords!  Thanks, Kid, for teaching me to play... it's a sweet, sweet sound.  The song is called "Kaleidoscope."  I told a friend the other day that relationships are like kaleidoscopes--made up of broken pieces, always shifting and changing.  But the brokenness, and even the change, is a beautiful thing.  Love you all.)



A kaleidoscope is broken glass
That makes a pretty picture
When the pieces fall
I wish that they could stay the same
But just one turn could rearrange it all
It's still beautiful
So beautiful


The people that I love aren't perfect
But God thinks that they're worth it
It's worth all the pain
Worth every lie I've bought into
And all the hell they've put me through
They're still beautiful
So beautiful


I love these broken pieces
I love these shattered lives
I wish my heart was strong enough
To hold this joy and pain inside
I wish my arms were wide enough
To gather them in close
I wish my voice was loud enough
That they would always know
How much I love them
I love them
They are my kaleidoscope

Whatever It Takes

Ask me if I believe in God and I'll say
Yes, with all of my heart
And I'll tell you I do
With the last breath I take
That He is the One I belong to
Ask me to give up my life and I will
Whatever it takes to obey
For I know that as Jesus was brought back to life
I will also as roses in springtime


Whatever it takes
I will be one
Who lives in the fresh newness of life
Of those who are alive from the dead
Whatever the cost
Whatever it takes
I will be one
Whatever it takes


Ask me if I would die for my faith
With His strength I pray that I would
Jesus said if a man would give up his life
He would surely gain it back again
He said, "Whoever serves Me must follow Me,
Where I AM My servant will be,
And My Father will honor the one who serves Me;
Who lays down his life for My sake."


Now I have given up on everything else
For I know it to be the only way
To really know Christ and experience His might
That brought Him back to life again
And find out what it really means to suffer and die with Him...so...


Whatever it takes
I will be one 
Who lives in the fresh newness of life
Of those who are alive from the dead
Whatever the cost
Whatever it takes
I will be one
Whatever it takes


("Whatever It Takes/Cassie's Song," by The Kry)


"If you want to be My disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison--your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, even your own life.  Otherwise you cannot be My disciple.  And if you do not carry your own cross and follow Me, you cannot be My disciple.  But don't begin until you count the cost."


-Luke 14:26-28a, NLT






Last Wednesday, I got a phone call from the high school minister at my home church, asking if I would like to teach Sunday school for the next three weeks, to help him out.  I agreed happily... and realized shortly thereafter that I had no idea what I should teach!  So many ideas were bouncing around in my head; it was tricky to narrow it down to just one.  I had finally settled on something from Ephesians; a study I had done recently and found very interesting and edifying.  I had it all planned out and organized... and then God did His thing.

I spent Thursday and Friday with a couple of friends from college down in Sanford, North Carolina.  It was probably about four or five o'clock in the morning on Friday; the conversation had lulled, and I had been dozing on and off, when a Bible story went off in my head like a flashbulb and brought me wide awake.  I sat up, turned to my friend, and asked, "Have I ever told you about Jephthah?"  He looked at me like he thought I might be a little crazy, and as though he wasn't sure I really was awake.  His answer was a cautious one:  "Um...no."  I proceeded to tell him the story, which he patiently listened to, before going back to sleep.  I woke up again around seven o'clock, restless and still with the story of Jephthah throbbing in my heart.  My restless pacing woke up another of my friends, who asked me what I was doing.  I told him that I couldn't sleep, and told him I was thinking about Jephthah.  He looked at me curiously, started to ask me to explain, then thought better of it, rolled over and went back to sleep; he had a four-hour drive to consider later in the day, so I don't blame him.

Sometime late Saturday night, while attempting to write my lesson outline for the next morning, I became frustrated with the passage from Ephesians.  It was interesting, all right, and would have made a wonderful lesson.  But something wasn't right.  The "backspace" and "delete" keys became my new best friends.  Now, for those of you who know me well, you know that I am never just working when my laptop is open; I usually have two or three Skype, AIM or Facebook Chat conversations going at the same time.  Saturday night was no exception; I had been chatting with a friend of mine for some time, when it occurred to me to ask her if she had ever heard of Jephthah.  She had, so instead of telling the story again, I began to read into it and draw a lesson from it... and wouldn't you know, I decided at around one in the morning on Sunday to forget about the Ephesians lesson and teach about Jephthah instead.  Or rather, I finally realized that God had been trying to get my attention with this story all along.  I smile.  And it is Jephthah's story that I am going to share with you in this post.  You can find the entire story in Judges 11; I am just going to summarize it here.

Jephthah was the bastard son of a man named Gilead. He had the reputation of a tough-guy; when kicked out of the house by his father's legitimate sons, a bunch of local bad-boys elected him their leader and they formed a raiding band.  Jephthah was not the kind of guy you messed around with; he could handle himself in a fight, and his buddies would back him up.  When the nation of Israel got into trouble with a neighboring nation--Ammon--they told Jephthah's brothers to suck it up and go beg Jephthah to get them out of the mess they'd gotten themselves into.  Jephthah handled their pleas with a healthy amount of contempt, not agreeing to lead the nation until he had exacted from them a promise that they would always follow his leadership, even when the war against the Ammonites was over.  Jephthah was not only tough, but smart.  The greatest thing about Jephthah, however, was not his military prowess or political shrewdness; the greatest thing about Jephthah was his passionate love for and devotion to God.  The Holy Spirit came upon him in power, and he boldly led the Israelite army out to do battle with the Ammonites.  This is where the story gets really good; I'm going to let it tell itself:

"At that time the Spirit of the LORD came upon Jephthah, and he went throughout the land of Gilead and Manasseh, including Mizpah in Gilead, and from there he led an army against the Ammonites.  And Jephthah made a vow to the LORD.  He said, 'If You give me victory over the Ammonites, I will give to the LORD whatever comes out of my house to meet me when I return in triumph.  I will sacrifice it as a burnt offering.'  So Jephthah led his army against the Ammonites, and the LORD gave him victory."


-Judges 11:29-32, NLT


I have frequently heard Jephthah denounced for the impetuous nature of his vow.  He didn't think it through.  He didn't consider potential consequences.  It never occurred to him to add a clause or exception.  In a moment of passionate fervor, he was willing to sacrifice anything for the sake of victory in the name of the LORD.  I think that there is something admirable in such passion, and therefore something admirable in the vow.  It was good, sincere, and God-pleasing.  What makes Jepthah's vow a foolish one is that he did not know what he was promising.  The story continues:

"When Jephthah returned home to Mizpah, his daughter came out to meet him, playing on a tambourine and dancing for joy.  She was his one and only child; he had no other sons or daughters. When he saw her, he tore his clothes in anguish.  'Oh, my daughter!' he cried out.  'You have completely destroyed me!  You've brought disaster on me!  For I have made a vow to the LORD, and I cannot take it back!'"


-Judges 11:34-35, NLT


This part of the story always makes my breath catch and my heart skip a beat.  In these two verses, the depth of Jephthah's love can be clearly seen... and it can also be clearly seen which of his loves runs deeper.  It is as plain as day that Jephthah loves his daughter desperately; equally plain is his love for God, which far outweighs all other loves.  Though half-crazed by grief at the thought of the terrible price he must pay, even Jephthah's cry of despair shows his determination to do for the LORD what he has promised.  At his daughter's urging--what a godly young woman!--Jephthah keeps his promise and sacrifices her as a burnt offering.  Now this may seem obscene to you; it is horrifying, certainly.  But Jephthah was obedient in making the sacrifice.  And that obedience, however painful, satisfied God.

"When a man makes a vow to the LORD or takes an oath to obligate himself by a pledge, he must not break his word, but must do everything he said."


-Numbers 30:2, NIV


"When you make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it.  He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow.  It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it."


-Ecclesiastes 5:4-5, NIV


When I first began to think about Jephthah's vow in earnest, I realized something... there is nothing so extraordinary about the vow itself.  How many times have you or I said something similar, either aloud or in our hearts, or even sung in our praise and worship songs?  I surrender all.  Here am I, all of me, take my life, it's all for Thee.  We're giving it all to You; we're giving it all to You; our hearts cry out; we need You now; we're giving it all to you.  In our moments of passionate fervor, we promise just as recklessly to sacrifice anything and everything for God's sake.  In truth, when each of us comes to Christ, we promise to sacrifice everything--our very selves--in exchange for the full and abundant life He offers.

No... it is not the vow that is extraordinary.  What is extraordinary is that he kept it.

How many of us actually keep the promises we make to God?  I know I certainly haven't.  Oh, He keeps up His end of things; He is faithful even when I am faithless.  But how often do I actually make a living sacrifice of myself?  On a daily basis, who has my heart?  God alone should have my heart.  But everyday I am tempted to allow other things to become more important--good things, bad things, totally stupid things and things that don't even matter.  Everyday I have to choose to give my heart to God and put him first... and everyday I fail.  I can't even make it through a day in total surrender!  But He loves me anyway... and He is pleased with my efforts.

I am the thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas' kiss
But You love me anyway


("You Love Me Anyway," by Sidewalk Prophets)

"If only the will to walk is really there, He is pleased even with their stumbles."


-C.S. Lewis


The trouble is that when I promised to give God my all, I did not know what I was promising.  I did not know what it would require.  I did not know what it would cost.  The truth is, I could not really know what I was promising until the time came to make good on my promise; to actually give myself up; surrender; do the hard thing; make the sacrifice.  As such a time came to Jephthah, so such times have come to me.  I do not know where my loyalties lie--whom I love most--until I am required to choose between keeping my vow to God, and breaking it in order to go my own way and follow my own desires.

Though the cost was high, Jephthah made good his vow.  Will I do the same?  Will you?

The God of Manasseh

(Below is a song, entitled, "The God of Manasseh," that I began writing yesterday and finished this afternoon.  It was written in light of my recent battle to forgive.  For those who've read my previous blog post... Jonah has been to Nineveh.  There's a long road ahead, but every great journey starts with one small step.  Thank you for your prayers, all you righteous.  They availeth much.  God bless.)


(verse 1)


Man intended evil
God worked it out for good
I was bruised and bleeding
He poured oil on my wounds
He commanded, "Love thy enemy,"
And He gave me the strength to try


(chorus)


I worship the God of Manasseh
The God who makes me forget my pain
He doesn't erase the bad things that happen
The scars will always remain
But I worship a God of mercy and compassion
Whose forgiveness covers all my stains
I've been forgiven much
How can I not do the same?
I worship the God of Manasseh
Who makes me forget about my pain


(verse 2)


"Not by might or power
But by my Spirit," saith the Lord
Shall I pray "save me from this hour"?
Or shall I take up my sword?
'Tis my prayer that bare obedience
Shall bring forth fruits of love and desire


(chorus)


I worship the God of Manasseh
The God who makes me forget my pain
He doesn't erase the bad things that happen
The scars will always remain 
But I worship a God of mercy and compassion
Whose forgiveness covers all my stains
I've been forgiven much
How can I not do the same?
I worship the God of Manasseh
Who makes me forget about my pain

Run, Jonah, Run

"The word of the LORD came to Jonah, son of Amittai: 'Go to the great city of Nineveh...' But Jonah ran away from the LORD."


-Jonah 1:1-2a & 3a, NIV


"Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins."


-James 4:17, NIV




I have had an anxious knot in my chest all day.  I wish that God would ask anything else of me.  But no--this is what He desires.  I have never felt more like Jonah.  I want to run away and hide; I do not want to carry out this task.  I know that God is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love; and I know that, even in this, He wants me to imitate Him.  It makes me angry, that God should expect this of me.


Call me the Unmerciful Servant (Matthew 18:21-35, NIV), but just this once I'd like to pass on forgiveness.  It's hard.  It hurts.  I don't want to.


"Because I love you, I tell you that it's not about what you want.  It's about what God has decided, and it would seem that He has spoken.  Therefore, you better get your butt off to Nineveh.  Soon, your desire will go along with your obedience, for it is God's desire, and He helps us conform our desires to His when we follow Him.  He also promises to dry the tears that fall on the road to Nineveh."


-A Friend


Those words were sent to me in a text message today, while I was at work.  I bit my lip and hid in a stall and cried.  I won't lie; I stood there and demanded a few things of God:  "God, why this?  Why are you so insistent that I do this one thing, forgive this one offense, when I am willing to give everything else, to do anything else, to go anywhere else, for Your sake?"  Of course, He answered me:


"What is more pleasing to the LORD: your burnt offerings and sacrifices, or your obedience to His voice?  Listen!  Obedience is better than sacrifice, and submission is better than offering the fat of rams."


-1 Samuel 15:22


Forgive as I forgave you.  If you will not obey Me in this, then I will not accept the offering up of your life for My service.


Those quiet, sober words staggered me.  I have harbored secret anger and hatred in my heart; therefore, it is God's will that I should leave my gift at the altar until I am reconciled to the one I have wronged by doing so.  Unless I do, God will look upon my offering--my gifts, my passion, my desire to surrender my life to Him--as He looked upon the offering of Cain.


You are waiting on a beach
This is where east meets west
And as another sun sets on your anger
The darkness laughs as the wound destroys
And it turns your prayers into noise


Will you forgive?
Will you forget?
Will you live what you know?
He left His rights
Will you leave yours?
You don't understand it
Let it go


This bitterness you hide
It seeps into your soul
And steals your joy
'Til it's all you know
Let it go


("Let It Go," by the Newsboys)


This is a hurt I have held onto for a long time, to the point where I had almost forgotten about it.  Now I am intentionally ignoring it.  And yet I cannot escape it.  There is nothing in me, in my human nature, that desires or is able to do this... but nothing is impossible with God.  Below is an excerpt from Corrie Ten Boom's The Hiding Place, which I have thought of often when considering my inability to forgive this terrible wrong:


"It was at a church service in Munich that I saw him, a former S.S. man, who had stood guard at the shower room door in the processing center at Ravensbruck.  He was the first of our actual jailers I had seen since that time.  And suddenly it was all there--the roomful of mocking men, the heaps of clothing, Betsie's pain blanched face.


He came up to me as the church was emptying, beaming and bowing.  'How grateful I am for your message, Fraulein,' he said.  'To think that, as you say, He has washed my sins away!'  His hand was thrust out to shake mine.  And I, who had preached so often to the people at Bloemendaal the need to forgive, kept my hand at my side.


Even as the angry, vengeful thoughts boiled through me, I saw the sin of them.  Jesus Christ died for this man; was I going to ask for more?  Lord Jesus, I prayed, forgive me and help me to forgive him.  I tried to smile; I struggled to raise my hand.  I could not.  I felt nothing, not the slightest spark of warmth or charity.  And so again I breathed a silent prayer.  Jesus, I prayed, I cannot forgive him.  Give me your forgiveness.


As I took his hand the most incredible thing happened.  From my shoulder along my arm and through my hand a current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this stranger that almost overwhelmed me.  And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness anymore than on our goodness that the world's healing hinges, but on His.  When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself."


This story, especially the last sentence, gives me hope.  I don't want to be like Jonah.  He ran from God, physically and spiritually, stubbornly clinging to his bitter and unforgiving spirit to the very end.  I have always thought that the book of Jonah ends in a rather dissatisfying way.  I'd rather be like David, who ran towards Goliath to meet him in battle.


Pray for me.