(Below is a song I wrote today--the very first song for which I've been able to pick out the chords! Thanks, Kid, for teaching me to play... it's a sweet, sweet sound. The song is called "Kaleidoscope." I told a friend the other day that relationships are like kaleidoscopes--made up of broken pieces, always shifting and changing. But the brokenness, and even the change, is a beautiful thing. Love you all.)
A kaleidoscope is broken glass
That makes a pretty picture
When the pieces fall
I wish that they could stay the same
But just one turn could rearrange it all
It's still beautiful
So beautiful
The people that I love aren't perfect
But God thinks that they're worth it
It's worth all the pain
Worth every lie I've bought into
And all the hell they've put me through
They're still beautiful
So beautiful
I love these broken pieces
I love these shattered lives
I wish my heart was strong enough
To hold this joy and pain inside
I wish my arms were wide enough
To gather them in close
I wish my voice was loud enough
That they would always know
How much I love them
I love them
They are my kaleidoscope
Monday, June 28, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Whatever It Takes
Ask me if I believe in God and I'll say
Yes, with all of my heart
And I'll tell you I do
With the last breath I take
That He is the One I belong to
Ask me to give up my life and I will
Whatever it takes to obey
For I know that as Jesus was brought back to life
I will also as roses in springtime
Whatever it takes
I will be one
Who lives in the fresh newness of life
Of those who are alive from the dead
Whatever the cost
Whatever it takes
I will be one
Whatever it takes
Ask me if I would die for my faith
With His strength I pray that I would
Jesus said if a man would give up his life
He would surely gain it back again
He said, "Whoever serves Me must follow Me,
Where I AM My servant will be,
And My Father will honor the one who serves Me;
Who lays down his life for My sake."
Now I have given up on everything else
For I know it to be the only way
To really know Christ and experience His might
That brought Him back to life again
And find out what it really means to suffer and die with Him...so...
Whatever it takes
I will be one
Who lives in the fresh newness of life
Of those who are alive from the dead
Whatever the cost
Whatever it takes
I will be one
Whatever it takes
("Whatever It Takes/Cassie's Song," by The Kry)
"If you want to be My disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison--your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, even your own life. Otherwise you cannot be My disciple. And if you do not carry your own cross and follow Me, you cannot be My disciple. But don't begin until you count the cost."
-Luke 14:26-28a, NLT
Last Wednesday, I got a phone call from the high school minister at my home church, asking if I would like to teach Sunday school for the next three weeks, to help him out. I agreed happily... and realized shortly thereafter that I had no idea what I should teach! So many ideas were bouncing around in my head; it was tricky to narrow it down to just one. I had finally settled on something from Ephesians; a study I had done recently and found very interesting and edifying. I had it all planned out and organized... and then God did His thing.
I spent Thursday and Friday with a couple of friends from college down in Sanford, North Carolina. It was probably about four or five o'clock in the morning on Friday; the conversation had lulled, and I had been dozing on and off, when a Bible story went off in my head like a flashbulb and brought me wide awake. I sat up, turned to my friend, and asked, "Have I ever told you about Jephthah?" He looked at me like he thought I might be a little crazy, and as though he wasn't sure I really was awake. His answer was a cautious one: "Um...no." I proceeded to tell him the story, which he patiently listened to, before going back to sleep. I woke up again around seven o'clock, restless and still with the story of Jephthah throbbing in my heart. My restless pacing woke up another of my friends, who asked me what I was doing. I told him that I couldn't sleep, and told him I was thinking about Jephthah. He looked at me curiously, started to ask me to explain, then thought better of it, rolled over and went back to sleep; he had a four-hour drive to consider later in the day, so I don't blame him.
Sometime late Saturday night, while attempting to write my lesson outline for the next morning, I became frustrated with the passage from Ephesians. It was interesting, all right, and would have made a wonderful lesson. But something wasn't right. The "backspace" and "delete" keys became my new best friends. Now, for those of you who know me well, you know that I am never just working when my laptop is open; I usually have two or three Skype, AIM or Facebook Chat conversations going at the same time. Saturday night was no exception; I had been chatting with a friend of mine for some time, when it occurred to me to ask her if she had ever heard of Jephthah. She had, so instead of telling the story again, I began to read into it and draw a lesson from it... and wouldn't you know, I decided at around one in the morning on Sunday to forget about the Ephesians lesson and teach about Jephthah instead. Or rather, I finally realized that God had been trying to get my attention with this story all along. I smile. And it is Jephthah's story that I am going to share with you in this post. You can find the entire story in Judges 11; I am just going to summarize it here.
Jephthah was the bastard son of a man named Gilead. He had the reputation of a tough-guy; when kicked out of the house by his father's legitimate sons, a bunch of local bad-boys elected him their leader and they formed a raiding band. Jephthah was not the kind of guy you messed around with; he could handle himself in a fight, and his buddies would back him up. When the nation of Israel got into trouble with a neighboring nation--Ammon--they told Jephthah's brothers to suck it up and go beg Jephthah to get them out of the mess they'd gotten themselves into. Jephthah handled their pleas with a healthy amount of contempt, not agreeing to lead the nation until he had exacted from them a promise that they would always follow his leadership, even when the war against the Ammonites was over. Jephthah was not only tough, but smart. The greatest thing about Jephthah, however, was not his military prowess or political shrewdness; the greatest thing about Jephthah was his passionate love for and devotion to God. The Holy Spirit came upon him in power, and he boldly led the Israelite army out to do battle with the Ammonites. This is where the story gets really good; I'm going to let it tell itself:
"At that time the Spirit of the LORD came upon Jephthah, and he went throughout the land of Gilead and Manasseh, including Mizpah in Gilead, and from there he led an army against the Ammonites. And Jephthah made a vow to the LORD. He said, 'If You give me victory over the Ammonites, I will give to the LORD whatever comes out of my house to meet me when I return in triumph. I will sacrifice it as a burnt offering.' So Jephthah led his army against the Ammonites, and the LORD gave him victory."
-Judges 11:29-32, NLT
I have frequently heard Jephthah denounced for the impetuous nature of his vow. He didn't think it through. He didn't consider potential consequences. It never occurred to him to add a clause or exception. In a moment of passionate fervor, he was willing to sacrifice anything for the sake of victory in the name of the LORD. I think that there is something admirable in such passion, and therefore something admirable in the vow. It was good, sincere, and God-pleasing. What makes Jepthah's vow a foolish one is that he did not know what he was promising. The story continues:
"When Jephthah returned home to Mizpah, his daughter came out to meet him, playing on a tambourine and dancing for joy. She was his one and only child; he had no other sons or daughters. When he saw her, he tore his clothes in anguish. 'Oh, my daughter!' he cried out. 'You have completely destroyed me! You've brought disaster on me! For I have made a vow to the LORD, and I cannot take it back!'"
-Judges 11:34-35, NLT
This part of the story always makes my breath catch and my heart skip a beat. In these two verses, the depth of Jephthah's love can be clearly seen... and it can also be clearly seen which of his loves runs deeper. It is as plain as day that Jephthah loves his daughter desperately; equally plain is his love for God, which far outweighs all other loves. Though half-crazed by grief at the thought of the terrible price he must pay, even Jephthah's cry of despair shows his determination to do for the LORD what he has promised. At his daughter's urging--what a godly young woman!--Jephthah keeps his promise and sacrifices her as a burnt offering. Now this may seem obscene to you; it is horrifying, certainly. But Jephthah was obedient in making the sacrifice. And that obedience, however painful, satisfied God.
"When a man makes a vow to the LORD or takes an oath to obligate himself by a pledge, he must not break his word, but must do everything he said."
-Numbers 30:2, NIV
"When you make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow. It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it."
-Ecclesiastes 5:4-5, NIV
When I first began to think about Jephthah's vow in earnest, I realized something... there is nothing so extraordinary about the vow itself. How many times have you or I said something similar, either aloud or in our hearts, or even sung in our praise and worship songs? I surrender all. Here am I, all of me, take my life, it's all for Thee. We're giving it all to You; we're giving it all to You; our hearts cry out; we need You now; we're giving it all to you. In our moments of passionate fervor, we promise just as recklessly to sacrifice anything and everything for God's sake. In truth, when each of us comes to Christ, we promise to sacrifice everything--our very selves--in exchange for the full and abundant life He offers.
No... it is not the vow that is extraordinary. What is extraordinary is that he kept it.
How many of us actually keep the promises we make to God? I know I certainly haven't. Oh, He keeps up His end of things; He is faithful even when I am faithless. But how often do I actually make a living sacrifice of myself? On a daily basis, who has my heart? God alone should have my heart. But everyday I am tempted to allow other things to become more important--good things, bad things, totally stupid things and things that don't even matter. Everyday I have to choose to give my heart to God and put him first... and everyday I fail. I can't even make it through a day in total surrender! But He loves me anyway... and He is pleased with my efforts.
I am the thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas' kiss
But You love me anyway
("You Love Me Anyway," by Sidewalk Prophets)
"If only the will to walk is really there, He is pleased even with their stumbles."
-C.S. Lewis
The trouble is that when I promised to give God my all, I did not know what I was promising. I did not know what it would require. I did not know what it would cost. The truth is, I could not really know what I was promising until the time came to make good on my promise; to actually give myself up; surrender; do the hard thing; make the sacrifice. As such a time came to Jephthah, so such times have come to me. I do not know where my loyalties lie--whom I love most--until I am required to choose between keeping my vow to God, and breaking it in order to go my own way and follow my own desires.
Though the cost was high, Jephthah made good his vow. Will I do the same? Will you?
Yes, with all of my heart
And I'll tell you I do
With the last breath I take
That He is the One I belong to
Ask me to give up my life and I will
Whatever it takes to obey
For I know that as Jesus was brought back to life
I will also as roses in springtime
Whatever it takes
I will be one
Who lives in the fresh newness of life
Of those who are alive from the dead
Whatever the cost
Whatever it takes
I will be one
Whatever it takes
Ask me if I would die for my faith
With His strength I pray that I would
Jesus said if a man would give up his life
He would surely gain it back again
He said, "Whoever serves Me must follow Me,
Where I AM My servant will be,
And My Father will honor the one who serves Me;
Who lays down his life for My sake."
Now I have given up on everything else
For I know it to be the only way
To really know Christ and experience His might
That brought Him back to life again
And find out what it really means to suffer and die with Him...so...
Whatever it takes
I will be one
Who lives in the fresh newness of life
Of those who are alive from the dead
Whatever the cost
Whatever it takes
I will be one
Whatever it takes
("Whatever It Takes/Cassie's Song," by The Kry)
"If you want to be My disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison--your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, even your own life. Otherwise you cannot be My disciple. And if you do not carry your own cross and follow Me, you cannot be My disciple. But don't begin until you count the cost."
-Luke 14:26-28a, NLT
Last Wednesday, I got a phone call from the high school minister at my home church, asking if I would like to teach Sunday school for the next three weeks, to help him out. I agreed happily... and realized shortly thereafter that I had no idea what I should teach! So many ideas were bouncing around in my head; it was tricky to narrow it down to just one. I had finally settled on something from Ephesians; a study I had done recently and found very interesting and edifying. I had it all planned out and organized... and then God did His thing.
I spent Thursday and Friday with a couple of friends from college down in Sanford, North Carolina. It was probably about four or five o'clock in the morning on Friday; the conversation had lulled, and I had been dozing on and off, when a Bible story went off in my head like a flashbulb and brought me wide awake. I sat up, turned to my friend, and asked, "Have I ever told you about Jephthah?" He looked at me like he thought I might be a little crazy, and as though he wasn't sure I really was awake. His answer was a cautious one: "Um...no." I proceeded to tell him the story, which he patiently listened to, before going back to sleep. I woke up again around seven o'clock, restless and still with the story of Jephthah throbbing in my heart. My restless pacing woke up another of my friends, who asked me what I was doing. I told him that I couldn't sleep, and told him I was thinking about Jephthah. He looked at me curiously, started to ask me to explain, then thought better of it, rolled over and went back to sleep; he had a four-hour drive to consider later in the day, so I don't blame him.
Sometime late Saturday night, while attempting to write my lesson outline for the next morning, I became frustrated with the passage from Ephesians. It was interesting, all right, and would have made a wonderful lesson. But something wasn't right. The "backspace" and "delete" keys became my new best friends. Now, for those of you who know me well, you know that I am never just working when my laptop is open; I usually have two or three Skype, AIM or Facebook Chat conversations going at the same time. Saturday night was no exception; I had been chatting with a friend of mine for some time, when it occurred to me to ask her if she had ever heard of Jephthah. She had, so instead of telling the story again, I began to read into it and draw a lesson from it... and wouldn't you know, I decided at around one in the morning on Sunday to forget about the Ephesians lesson and teach about Jephthah instead. Or rather, I finally realized that God had been trying to get my attention with this story all along. I smile. And it is Jephthah's story that I am going to share with you in this post. You can find the entire story in Judges 11; I am just going to summarize it here.
Jephthah was the bastard son of a man named Gilead. He had the reputation of a tough-guy; when kicked out of the house by his father's legitimate sons, a bunch of local bad-boys elected him their leader and they formed a raiding band. Jephthah was not the kind of guy you messed around with; he could handle himself in a fight, and his buddies would back him up. When the nation of Israel got into trouble with a neighboring nation--Ammon--they told Jephthah's brothers to suck it up and go beg Jephthah to get them out of the mess they'd gotten themselves into. Jephthah handled their pleas with a healthy amount of contempt, not agreeing to lead the nation until he had exacted from them a promise that they would always follow his leadership, even when the war against the Ammonites was over. Jephthah was not only tough, but smart. The greatest thing about Jephthah, however, was not his military prowess or political shrewdness; the greatest thing about Jephthah was his passionate love for and devotion to God. The Holy Spirit came upon him in power, and he boldly led the Israelite army out to do battle with the Ammonites. This is where the story gets really good; I'm going to let it tell itself:
"At that time the Spirit of the LORD came upon Jephthah, and he went throughout the land of Gilead and Manasseh, including Mizpah in Gilead, and from there he led an army against the Ammonites. And Jephthah made a vow to the LORD. He said, 'If You give me victory over the Ammonites, I will give to the LORD whatever comes out of my house to meet me when I return in triumph. I will sacrifice it as a burnt offering.' So Jephthah led his army against the Ammonites, and the LORD gave him victory."
-Judges 11:29-32, NLT
I have frequently heard Jephthah denounced for the impetuous nature of his vow. He didn't think it through. He didn't consider potential consequences. It never occurred to him to add a clause or exception. In a moment of passionate fervor, he was willing to sacrifice anything for the sake of victory in the name of the LORD. I think that there is something admirable in such passion, and therefore something admirable in the vow. It was good, sincere, and God-pleasing. What makes Jepthah's vow a foolish one is that he did not know what he was promising. The story continues:
"When Jephthah returned home to Mizpah, his daughter came out to meet him, playing on a tambourine and dancing for joy. She was his one and only child; he had no other sons or daughters. When he saw her, he tore his clothes in anguish. 'Oh, my daughter!' he cried out. 'You have completely destroyed me! You've brought disaster on me! For I have made a vow to the LORD, and I cannot take it back!'"
-Judges 11:34-35, NLT
This part of the story always makes my breath catch and my heart skip a beat. In these two verses, the depth of Jephthah's love can be clearly seen... and it can also be clearly seen which of his loves runs deeper. It is as plain as day that Jephthah loves his daughter desperately; equally plain is his love for God, which far outweighs all other loves. Though half-crazed by grief at the thought of the terrible price he must pay, even Jephthah's cry of despair shows his determination to do for the LORD what he has promised. At his daughter's urging--what a godly young woman!--Jephthah keeps his promise and sacrifices her as a burnt offering. Now this may seem obscene to you; it is horrifying, certainly. But Jephthah was obedient in making the sacrifice. And that obedience, however painful, satisfied God.
"When a man makes a vow to the LORD or takes an oath to obligate himself by a pledge, he must not break his word, but must do everything he said."
-Numbers 30:2, NIV
"When you make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow. It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it."
-Ecclesiastes 5:4-5, NIV
When I first began to think about Jephthah's vow in earnest, I realized something... there is nothing so extraordinary about the vow itself. How many times have you or I said something similar, either aloud or in our hearts, or even sung in our praise and worship songs? I surrender all. Here am I, all of me, take my life, it's all for Thee. We're giving it all to You; we're giving it all to You; our hearts cry out; we need You now; we're giving it all to you. In our moments of passionate fervor, we promise just as recklessly to sacrifice anything and everything for God's sake. In truth, when each of us comes to Christ, we promise to sacrifice everything--our very selves--in exchange for the full and abundant life He offers.
No... it is not the vow that is extraordinary. What is extraordinary is that he kept it.
How many of us actually keep the promises we make to God? I know I certainly haven't. Oh, He keeps up His end of things; He is faithful even when I am faithless. But how often do I actually make a living sacrifice of myself? On a daily basis, who has my heart? God alone should have my heart. But everyday I am tempted to allow other things to become more important--good things, bad things, totally stupid things and things that don't even matter. Everyday I have to choose to give my heart to God and put him first... and everyday I fail. I can't even make it through a day in total surrender! But He loves me anyway... and He is pleased with my efforts.
I am the thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas' kiss
But You love me anyway
("You Love Me Anyway," by Sidewalk Prophets)
"If only the will to walk is really there, He is pleased even with their stumbles."
-C.S. Lewis
The trouble is that when I promised to give God my all, I did not know what I was promising. I did not know what it would require. I did not know what it would cost. The truth is, I could not really know what I was promising until the time came to make good on my promise; to actually give myself up; surrender; do the hard thing; make the sacrifice. As such a time came to Jephthah, so such times have come to me. I do not know where my loyalties lie--whom I love most--until I am required to choose between keeping my vow to God, and breaking it in order to go my own way and follow my own desires.
Though the cost was high, Jephthah made good his vow. Will I do the same? Will you?
Sunday, June 20, 2010
The God of Manasseh
(Below is a song, entitled, "The God of Manasseh," that I began writing yesterday and finished this afternoon. It was written in light of my recent battle to forgive. For those who've read my previous blog post... Jonah has been to Nineveh. There's a long road ahead, but every great journey starts with one small step. Thank you for your prayers, all you righteous. They availeth much. God bless.)
(verse 1)
Man intended evil
God worked it out for good
I was bruised and bleeding
He poured oil on my wounds
He commanded, "Love thy enemy,"
And He gave me the strength to try
(chorus)
I worship the God of Manasseh
The God who makes me forget my pain
He doesn't erase the bad things that happen
The scars will always remain
But I worship a God of mercy and compassion
Whose forgiveness covers all my stains
I've been forgiven much
How can I not do the same?
I worship the God of Manasseh
Who makes me forget about my pain
(verse 2)
"Not by might or power
But by my Spirit," saith the Lord
Shall I pray "save me from this hour"?
Or shall I take up my sword?
'Tis my prayer that bare obedience
Shall bring forth fruits of love and desire
(chorus)
I worship the God of Manasseh
The God who makes me forget my pain
He doesn't erase the bad things that happen
The scars will always remain
But I worship a God of mercy and compassion
Whose forgiveness covers all my stains
I've been forgiven much
How can I not do the same?
I worship the God of Manasseh
Who makes me forget about my pain
(verse 1)
Man intended evil
God worked it out for good
I was bruised and bleeding
He poured oil on my wounds
He commanded, "Love thy enemy,"
And He gave me the strength to try
(chorus)
I worship the God of Manasseh
The God who makes me forget my pain
He doesn't erase the bad things that happen
The scars will always remain
But I worship a God of mercy and compassion
Whose forgiveness covers all my stains
I've been forgiven much
How can I not do the same?
I worship the God of Manasseh
Who makes me forget about my pain
(verse 2)
"Not by might or power
But by my Spirit," saith the Lord
Shall I pray "save me from this hour"?
Or shall I take up my sword?
'Tis my prayer that bare obedience
Shall bring forth fruits of love and desire
(chorus)
I worship the God of Manasseh
The God who makes me forget my pain
He doesn't erase the bad things that happen
The scars will always remain
But I worship a God of mercy and compassion
Whose forgiveness covers all my stains
I've been forgiven much
How can I not do the same?
I worship the God of Manasseh
Who makes me forget about my pain
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Run, Jonah, Run
"The word of the LORD came to Jonah, son of Amittai: 'Go to the great city of Nineveh...' But Jonah ran away from the LORD."
-Jonah 1:1-2a & 3a, NIV
"Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins."
-James 4:17, NIV
I have had an anxious knot in my chest all day. I wish that God would ask anything else of me. But no--this is what He desires. I have never felt more like Jonah. I want to run away and hide; I do not want to carry out this task. I know that God is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love; and I know that, even in this, He wants me to imitate Him. It makes me angry, that God should expect this of me.
Call me the Unmerciful Servant (Matthew 18:21-35, NIV), but just this once I'd like to pass on forgiveness. It's hard. It hurts. I don't want to.
"Because I love you, I tell you that it's not about what you want. It's about what God has decided, and it would seem that He has spoken. Therefore, you better get your butt off to Nineveh. Soon, your desire will go along with your obedience, for it is God's desire, and He helps us conform our desires to His when we follow Him. He also promises to dry the tears that fall on the road to Nineveh."
-A Friend
Those words were sent to me in a text message today, while I was at work. I bit my lip and hid in a stall and cried. I won't lie; I stood there and demanded a few things of God: "God, why this? Why are you so insistent that I do this one thing, forgive this one offense, when I am willing to give everything else, to do anything else, to go anywhere else, for Your sake?" Of course, He answered me:
"What is more pleasing to the LORD: your burnt offerings and sacrifices, or your obedience to His voice? Listen! Obedience is better than sacrifice, and submission is better than offering the fat of rams."
-1 Samuel 15:22
Forgive as I forgave you. If you will not obey Me in this, then I will not accept the offering up of your life for My service.
Those quiet, sober words staggered me. I have harbored secret anger and hatred in my heart; therefore, it is God's will that I should leave my gift at the altar until I am reconciled to the one I have wronged by doing so. Unless I do, God will look upon my offering--my gifts, my passion, my desire to surrender my life to Him--as He looked upon the offering of Cain.
You are waiting on a beach
This is where east meets west
And as another sun sets on your anger
The darkness laughs as the wound destroys
And it turns your prayers into noise
Will you forgive?
Will you forget?
Will you live what you know?
He left His rights
Will you leave yours?
You don't understand it
Let it go
This bitterness you hide
It seeps into your soul
And steals your joy
'Til it's all you know
Let it go
("Let It Go," by the Newsboys)
This is a hurt I have held onto for a long time, to the point where I had almost forgotten about it. Now I am intentionally ignoring it. And yet I cannot escape it. There is nothing in me, in my human nature, that desires or is able to do this... but nothing is impossible with God. Below is an excerpt from Corrie Ten Boom's The Hiding Place, which I have thought of often when considering my inability to forgive this terrible wrong:
"It was at a church service in Munich that I saw him, a former S.S. man, who had stood guard at the shower room door in the processing center at Ravensbruck. He was the first of our actual jailers I had seen since that time. And suddenly it was all there--the roomful of mocking men, the heaps of clothing, Betsie's pain blanched face.
He came up to me as the church was emptying, beaming and bowing. 'How grateful I am for your message, Fraulein,' he said. 'To think that, as you say, He has washed my sins away!' His hand was thrust out to shake mine. And I, who had preached so often to the people at Bloemendaal the need to forgive, kept my hand at my side.
Even as the angry, vengeful thoughts boiled through me, I saw the sin of them. Jesus Christ died for this man; was I going to ask for more? Lord Jesus, I prayed, forgive me and help me to forgive him. I tried to smile; I struggled to raise my hand. I could not. I felt nothing, not the slightest spark of warmth or charity. And so again I breathed a silent prayer. Jesus, I prayed, I cannot forgive him. Give me your forgiveness.
As I took his hand the most incredible thing happened. From my shoulder along my arm and through my hand a current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this stranger that almost overwhelmed me. And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness anymore than on our goodness that the world's healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself."
This story, especially the last sentence, gives me hope. I don't want to be like Jonah. He ran from God, physically and spiritually, stubbornly clinging to his bitter and unforgiving spirit to the very end. I have always thought that the book of Jonah ends in a rather dissatisfying way. I'd rather be like David, who ran towards Goliath to meet him in battle.
Pray for me.
-Jonah 1:1-2a & 3a, NIV
"Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins."
-James 4:17, NIV
I have had an anxious knot in my chest all day. I wish that God would ask anything else of me. But no--this is what He desires. I have never felt more like Jonah. I want to run away and hide; I do not want to carry out this task. I know that God is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love; and I know that, even in this, He wants me to imitate Him. It makes me angry, that God should expect this of me.
Call me the Unmerciful Servant (Matthew 18:21-35, NIV), but just this once I'd like to pass on forgiveness. It's hard. It hurts. I don't want to.
"Because I love you, I tell you that it's not about what you want. It's about what God has decided, and it would seem that He has spoken. Therefore, you better get your butt off to Nineveh. Soon, your desire will go along with your obedience, for it is God's desire, and He helps us conform our desires to His when we follow Him. He also promises to dry the tears that fall on the road to Nineveh."
-A Friend
Those words were sent to me in a text message today, while I was at work. I bit my lip and hid in a stall and cried. I won't lie; I stood there and demanded a few things of God: "God, why this? Why are you so insistent that I do this one thing, forgive this one offense, when I am willing to give everything else, to do anything else, to go anywhere else, for Your sake?" Of course, He answered me:
"What is more pleasing to the LORD: your burnt offerings and sacrifices, or your obedience to His voice? Listen! Obedience is better than sacrifice, and submission is better than offering the fat of rams."
-1 Samuel 15:22
Forgive as I forgave you. If you will not obey Me in this, then I will not accept the offering up of your life for My service.
Those quiet, sober words staggered me. I have harbored secret anger and hatred in my heart; therefore, it is God's will that I should leave my gift at the altar until I am reconciled to the one I have wronged by doing so. Unless I do, God will look upon my offering--my gifts, my passion, my desire to surrender my life to Him--as He looked upon the offering of Cain.
You are waiting on a beach
This is where east meets west
And as another sun sets on your anger
The darkness laughs as the wound destroys
And it turns your prayers into noise
Will you forgive?
Will you forget?
Will you live what you know?
He left His rights
Will you leave yours?
You don't understand it
Let it go
This bitterness you hide
It seeps into your soul
And steals your joy
'Til it's all you know
Let it go
("Let It Go," by the Newsboys)
This is a hurt I have held onto for a long time, to the point where I had almost forgotten about it. Now I am intentionally ignoring it. And yet I cannot escape it. There is nothing in me, in my human nature, that desires or is able to do this... but nothing is impossible with God. Below is an excerpt from Corrie Ten Boom's The Hiding Place, which I have thought of often when considering my inability to forgive this terrible wrong:
"It was at a church service in Munich that I saw him, a former S.S. man, who had stood guard at the shower room door in the processing center at Ravensbruck. He was the first of our actual jailers I had seen since that time. And suddenly it was all there--the roomful of mocking men, the heaps of clothing, Betsie's pain blanched face.
He came up to me as the church was emptying, beaming and bowing. 'How grateful I am for your message, Fraulein,' he said. 'To think that, as you say, He has washed my sins away!' His hand was thrust out to shake mine. And I, who had preached so often to the people at Bloemendaal the need to forgive, kept my hand at my side.
Even as the angry, vengeful thoughts boiled through me, I saw the sin of them. Jesus Christ died for this man; was I going to ask for more? Lord Jesus, I prayed, forgive me and help me to forgive him. I tried to smile; I struggled to raise my hand. I could not. I felt nothing, not the slightest spark of warmth or charity. And so again I breathed a silent prayer. Jesus, I prayed, I cannot forgive him. Give me your forgiveness.
As I took his hand the most incredible thing happened. From my shoulder along my arm and through my hand a current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this stranger that almost overwhelmed me. And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness anymore than on our goodness that the world's healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself."
This story, especially the last sentence, gives me hope. I don't want to be like Jonah. He ran from God, physically and spiritually, stubbornly clinging to his bitter and unforgiving spirit to the very end. I have always thought that the book of Jonah ends in a rather dissatisfying way. I'd rather be like David, who ran towards Goliath to meet him in battle.
Pray for me.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Sojourner's Anthem
(Below is a song, entitled "Sojourner's Anthem," that I began to write in early March, inspired by and written for a dear friend.)
(verse 1)
My heart is restless
Father you've destined
My feet to wander the earth
I'm homesick and weary
I cannot see clearly
I'm staggering under Cain's curse
(pre-chorus)
But not all who wander are lost
This is a sojourner's anthem
(chorus)
This world is not my home
I'm just passing through
This life is not my own
I've given it over to you
The Way is unutterably hard
But You give me strength to press on
This is a sojourner's anthem
(verse 2)
My heart is burdened
Convicted of murder
His blood crying out from the ground
Although I have fallen
Still You are calling
And You've set Your mark on my brow
(pre-chorus)
For not all who wander are lost
This is a sojourner's anthem
(chorus)
This world is not my home
I'm just passing through
This life is not my own
I've given it over to You
The Way is unutterably hard
But You give me strength to press on
This is a sojourner's anthem
(verse 3)
My heart is lonely
The road lies before me
I don't know yet where it will lead
I'm trusting Your guidance
Believing in Your plans
Though the end has not yet been revealed
(pre-chorus)
Not all who wander are lost
This is a sojourner's anthem
(chorus)
This world is not my home
I'm just passing through
This life is not my own
I've given it over to You
The Way is unutterably hard
But You give me strength to press on
This is a sojourner's anthem
Saturday, June 5, 2010
The Battle for Helms Deep
"So if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!"
-1 Corinthians 10:12, NIV
How often I have read this verse and shuddered! There is a certain temptation that torments me like Paul's thorn in the flesh; its usual method of attack is a daily assault. It can begin the moment I awaken, or even before, and often continues throughout the day into the night. I get no rest and no peace; I am constantly fighting. I become so weary during these seasons of hard fighting; I use up all my strength, and I lean on my comrades, and I desperately cry out to my God. He is pleased to give me the victory.
However, this temptation also has a subtler form of attack. When I have been victorious over this temptation for a long while, I begin to feel secure. I begin to believe that I have beaten it, or become immune to it, or that I have risen above it. Worse, I begin to become complacent. I let my guard down; I no longer think that I need the strong defense system I've built up, so I stop maintaining and bolstering it. I stop fighting. Somehow, I forget the solemn warning of St. Peter:
"Keep a cool head. Stay alert. The Devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping."
-1 Peter 5:8, MSG
I believe that Paul's warning to the Corinthian church was sound; it is precisely when I think that I am standing firm--that I have at last reached a secure place where I can lay down my armor and sword and get some shut-eye--that temptation attacks me hardest and swiftest. It has lain in wait for precisely this moment; the ambush has been set. And time and again, I walk right into the middle of it and expose my weakness. Often, I do not realize I am doing this. Like King Theoden of Rohan, I might even believe I am retreating to the safest possible stronghold:
"Saruman's arm will have grown long indeed if he thinks he can reach us here."
-Theoden, speaking of Helms Deep, from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Theoden knows that no enemy force has ever breached the Deeping Wall of Helms Deep, nor set foot in the Hornburg. It is the strongest refuge the king knows, and his pride will not permit him to consider the advice of his rescuer, Gandalf, nor his loyal and trustworthy compatriots, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli. He is king. He knows what is best for his people. Never mind that he has just been released from a long bondage to the powers of evil, has not regained his former strength, and knows nothing of the present situation. He decides to lead his people in retreat to the familiar and time-tested Keep; preparations for the flight to Helms Deep begin. He refuses even to call for aid, believing that no one will come. This decision is a mistake that would cost Rohan many lives.
The White Wizard Gandalf, knowing the trouble that lies ahead, takes his swift horse Shadowfax and rides hard after the Rohirrim, Theoden's faithful warriors, whom the king believes to have abandoned and forsaken him. Gandalf leaves a bemused yet believing Aragorn with these prophetic words:
"Look to my coming at first light on the fifth day. At dawn, look to the east."
-Gandalf, speaking to Aragorn, from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
And so begins the epic of the battle of Helms Deep... and so begins the fall. The temptation that besieges me is something that I have only recently broken free of; it used to control me, wreaking havoc on my life and my relationships with God and others. It filled my thoughts and dictated my habits.
"By what a man is overcome, by this he is enslaved."
-2 Peter 2:19b
Through Christ's power, and the prayers and help of friends, I was freed of this temptation's control some time ago. But it did not die; it merely retreated, waiting for an opportune time to attack me again. The opportune time comes, again and again. Sometimes I stand, and sometimes I fall. Always God lifts me again, through scripture, music, and the encouragement of my friends. I gain a little strength... and that's where the real, more subtle danger creeps in. I begin to say, "I know," when my friends remind me of God's truth. I begin to say, "Been there, read that, know it," when I read God's word. I stop trusting in Him and begin to trust in myself. And I make very poor decisions as a result.
Stand up, stand up for Jesus
Stand in His strength alone
The arm of flesh will fail you
Ye dare not trust your own
("Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus," by George Duffield Jr. & George J. Webb)
Though they know the danger, and that Theoden has made a poor decision, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli remain faithful and true. They follow the king to Helms Deep, ready to fight and die along with him and alongside the warriors and people of Rohan. They voice their doubts to one another, but still they stand steadfast in their willingness to aid king Theoden in the battle to come. Help arrives just in the nick of time from an unexpected source when the host of the Eldar, led by the elf Haldir of Lorien, comes to Rohan's aid. The force allied with Theoden and arrayed against his enemy is strong.
My friends are as faithful. I know that they fight for me, even when they can see me heading the wrong direction. They warn me, but even when I do not heed them, they grimly set their faces and stick with me.
-Dialogue, my words in brackets, from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
My friends and accountability partners all have struggles of their own; some share the same struggles and wrestle with the same temptations. We all face the same Enemy. And even when we're not sure if we're all going to stand or fall, we still come alongside one another. Even when we cannot find the strength to stand up for ourselves and do what is right, our love for each other gives us strength enough to labor in prayer and do battle with the forces of evil--to intercede for and encourage one another; to speak words of truth in love.
With the enemy at the gates of Helms Deep, the men and boys prepare themselves for battle, checking armor and weaponry. Aragorn himself tests the weight and balance of one young warrior's sword, proclaiming it good and telling him sagely that there is always hope. Aragorn walks up and down the line of men and elves under his command, shouting a final set of instructions:
"Show them no mercy, for you shall receive none!"
-Aragorn, from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
In other words... give no quarter! Make no compromises with the enemy! Fight your hardest; use your utmost skill and strength! Oftentimes, I look for shortcuts when it comes to dealing with temptation. I will frequently opt for a lesser sin in order to avoid a greater; in my twisted way of thinking, the sins do not weigh equally. Or I will allow one level of sin into my life, but not another. Before God it is all the same sin, but instead of expelling the enemy and extracting evil from my life, I look to compromise. I use every excuse under the sun. Well, I gave up that other sin, didn't I? This sin is too deeply ingrained to give up all at once; these things take time. I give in to that sin far less than I used to. But if I give even an inch, then I might as well give a mile, because Satan is going to walk all over me. In resisting temptation, every small compromise, every step along the slippery path, leads to destruction.
The battle rages on, the rain pours down, and the men of Rohan and their elvish allies hold their own against the enemy onslaught. Theoden looks to the sky, and in a moment of grim pride asks quietly:
"Is this it? Is this all you can conjure, Saruman?"
-Theoden, to himself, from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
The second problem in my battle with temptation is familiarity; I become accustomed to certain kinds of attacks. I expect certain environments, scenarios and people to make it either harder or easier to resist temptation. Before I even realize it, I am relying on those environments, scenarios and people either to keep me from temptation or bring me through it, rather than trusting in and relying on the power of God, which works powerfully in me. Therefore, when I recognize an attack of Satan, and I am in a strong place, I scoff and say, "Bring it on! Is that all you've got?" I would not be so boldfaced in a weak place. So where do I place my trust? In strong environments, scenarios, and people--or in an Almighty God?
Just as Theoden is speaking those words, a new threat appears--a torch-bearing Uruk-Hai running toward an explosive device set at the best of the Deeping Wall. It is not obvious to Theoden at first; in fact, it is Aragorn who first spots the danger. Unable to reach the Uruk-Hai in time, he shouts frantically to Legolas to bring down the threat, to kill him quickly. Legolas arches his bow and fires without missing three times, but the Uruk-Hai has just strength enough to complete his dreadful deed. Theoden watches in horror as the Deeping Wall is shattered by the overwhelming blast of explosive material, bodies and debris flying everywhere. The wall is breached. The enemy is invading.
How many times have I been blindsided in much the same way? I do not expect Satan's attack to come; my friends may see it coming before I do. Their prayers fly in the face of the danger like Legolas' arrows. But, not perceiving the danger, I myself do nothing. And so I am dazed and confused when my defenses are breached; when I fall suddenly into strong temptation I was not expecting. What is going on here? I hardly know. Sometimes I will shake my head to clear it, and rally myself as Theoden rallied his men with the call to draw their swords and follow him to brace the gate of the Keep.
It is in desperately tempting times like these that I most willingly reach out for the help and support of my friends. I ask for their prayers and their accountability. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective; I believe that the prayers of my friends have kept me from falling for the enemy's schemes more frequently than I can count. As Theoden turned to Aragorn and asked him to buy him some time to shore up the gate, so I ask my friends to intercede for me and buy me some time to strengthen my resistance to temptation.
However, there will come a time, like today and yesterday, when I will fall. Despite my best efforts, and the efforts of my friends, I will choose temptation's way over the path of peace, and give way to sin. I was miserable today and yesterday, sick with the knowledge of what I had done, and what it had cost, and what had been stolen from me by my enemy. Utterly dejected, I wanted to hang my head in despair and say as Theoden did when the enemy was quite literally knocking down his doors:
"The fortress is taken. It is over."
-Theoden, despairingly, from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
I was ready to surrender to sin. But thank God for the sharp words of a friend, like a slap to the face, bringing me to my senses. Aragorn fairly pounced on Theoden when the king was despairing of life and losing his vision for even the faintest hope of victory over his enemies. He shouted into the king's face:
"You said this fortress would never fall while your men defend it. They still defend it! They have died defending it!"
-Aragorn, to Theoden, from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Aragorn minces no words as he reminds the king of all those who have fought and died for him. Still dazed, Theoden voices a question born of deep hurt:
"So much death. What can Men do against such reckless hate?"
-Theoden, in a daze, from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
I have felt dazed, confused, and despairing before, in the face of the temptation that torments me. It is usually not until I have already fallen to temptation that I realize the gravity of every mistake, the verity of each of my friends' warnings and the soundness of their advice. My head fills with should-haves, could-haves and would-haves. All I wanted to do today, after I had fallen, was sit down in the middle of the barn aisle at work and cry out with St. Paul:
"What a wretched man I am!"
-Romans 7:24a, NIV
As Aragorn's eyes blaze when he hears the king voice his hopeless sorrow, so my friend's words were laced with fire as he insisted, borrowing Aragorn's words for his own:
"Ride out with me. Ride out and meet them."
-Aragorn, passionately to Theoden, from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Something stirs behind the king's eyes; his sleeping warrior spirit suddenly awakens and rises up. He meets Aragorn's gaze unflinchingly, his expression full of passion and fervor. And just as his willingness to fight is reborn, sunlight spills into the keep and Gimli the dwarf points out in an awestruck voice:
"The sun is rising"
-Gimli, awestruck, from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Gandalf's promise of rescue and redemption echoes in all of their minds. Could it be? Will he come through? Regardless, they will ride out, drawing swords together, for wrath, ruin and a red dawn, their horses at a full gallop as they charge into the fray. Just when all seems lost, when I have fallen hard into the deep and the dark, I find a sparkling promise there that bathes me in radiant light and gives me the will to fight on:
"Perhaps the LORD will help us, for nothing can hinder the LORD. He can win a battle whether he has many warriors or only a few."
-1 Samuel 14:6, NLT
As Theoden, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli ride out, hacking down enemies on every side, it soon becomes apparent that they are outmatched. They will be overwhelmed by sheer numbers. And yet they fight--oh, how they fight! What courage! Just as it seems they will die for their courage, Aragorn lifts his eyes to the horizon, where he sees a rider in white come galloping up in a blaze of glory--Gandalf on Shadowfax, with the host of the Rohirrim behind him. Theoden was never so alone as he thought himself to be.
"'Don't be afraid. The army that fights for us is larger than the one against us.'"
-2 Kings 6:16, NCV
Gandalf and the Rohirrim charge down onto the battlefield, joining the weary band that held the Keep all night, and together they soundly rout the enemy. In much the same way, my fighting spirit was roused today through the words of my friend... but the Enemy will only be driven back by the power of my God. He will deliver me; I need not fear. I will look expectantly to the horizon... and in the meantime, I will fight for all I am worth.
Amen.
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