"To be honest, I can't imagine how a person could say, 'I'm weak,' and then stay that way. If you know that about yourself, why not fight it, why not develop your character? Their answer has always been: 'Because it's much easier not to!' This reply leaves me feeling rather discouraged. Easy? Does that mean a life of deceit and laziness is easy too? Oh no, that can't be true. It can't be true that people are so readily tempted by ease." -Anne Frank
Up until about two weeks ago, I had been dealing with the constant problem of laziness and procrastination. It's not that I didn't know what I ought to do... I just couldn't seem to bring myself to care enough to do anything about it. Apathy is a dangerous weapon of Satan's. Instead of doing the obvious thing and placing a temptation in your life, which you might be able to pray through and overcome, he instead saps your will to do anything at all, leaving you a mere lump of lard on your couch. He's subtle that way.
I compare the way I became so apathetic to the way you would go about boiling a frog. If you just toss the frog into hot water, it will try to escape, for it will realize its danger. But if you put that same frog in cold water and heat it up slowly, it will never even know it is being boiled alive. I began by putting things off a little. Ah, I'll take care of it in a minute. Then it grew. That will keep until tomorrow. Eventually, the idea of expending the least amount of effort was completely unappealing to me. I was the epitome of the sluggard:
"The sluggard buries his hand in the dish; he will not even bring it back to his mouth!" -Proverbs 19:24
I was really too lazy to cook something if I got hungry, or pour a glass of water if I was thirsty. I wasn't getting anything done--I was keeping busy with all the usual stuff, but I was just going through the motions. The worst of it was, I was aware of my laziness the whole time. I would intend to do something about it... but everyday I managed to convince myself that it was too hard, or that I didn't have the time, or that I was too tired; the list goes on endlessly.
And then there came a weekend when there would be no distractions: no work, no computer, no telephone calls... no friends, even. I went up to Roanoke Bible College for the placement testing and the college preview weekend, and as a last-minute decision, I grabbed The Purpose Driven Life as I was walking out the door to get on the road. So I had three days with just a Bible, a book, a journal and a pen.
As I began to read, and pray--having nothing better to do--God reminded me of his love for me, and of my love for him. He reminded me of my calling (Jeremiah 1:4-10 & 17 & 19), and my reason for being on this earth.
"Love is not Christ making much of us or making life easy. Love is doing what he must do, at great cost to Himself (and often to us), to enable us to enjoy making much of Him forever." -John Piper
Early in my life as a Christian, I prayed to be given a hard task. I've always wanted to live my life on an epic scale, viewing it as a grand adventure, where good must ultimately triumph over evil. Well, God granted my request. He offered me a hard task... and my journey has been incredibly hard. I have endured difficulties and temptations from without, but my greatest struggles have been with myself. Who can combat my laziness and apathy except me? No one can force me to put forth any real effort. No one can make me do any more than the bare minimum. I have to choose to work with all my heart.
A wise person once said to me:
"If you don't think that you can push yourself and do your best for yourself, then push yourself and do your best for God." -Jonathan Phipps
It was certainly by no will of my own that I began in earnest to pray and study again. It is not my will that's been dragging my butt out of bed at six o'clock every morning so I'll have time to myself to pray. God's will is stronger than mine; all I had to do was surrender myself to it.
"To what will you look for help if you will not look to that which is stronger than yourself?" -C. S. Lewis
And now, because I have turned from all the trying, all the struggling and fighting, and even from the despair and resignation, and have prayed the simple but earnest prayer, "God help me," I am experiencing a closeness with God that I had almost given up on ever finding again.
Matthew West's new song, The Motions, are words I poured out to God directly from my heart, from the moment I first heard it.
This might hurt
It's not safe
But I know that I've got to make a change
I don't care if I break
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause "just okay" is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life
I don't want to go through the motions
I don't want to go one more day
Without your all-consuming passion inside of me
I don't want to spend my whole life asking
"What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions?"
It's not enough for men to think well of me. When people think well of us, we tend to become complacent, and we no longer pursue righteousness, because partial or even pseudo-righteousness is 'good enough' for the rest of society; praiseworthy, even. I can do all the good in the world, but unless I am motivated by and possessed with an all-consuming love of God, it means nothing.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
Week 11: Small Group Emails
(Below is an email I sent out to my small group on April 6, 2009)
Hey you guys!
For once I am going to get this email sent out on time! I smile. This week we deviated from the book a little bit... and I'm glad that we did. Tim felt led to talk a bit more about the topic of Pete's sermon: Mercy. We read the parable of the unmerciful servant (Matthew 18:21-35, for those of you who missed it) and discussed what it means to show mercy to others.
The ancient Greek word for mercy is eleos, which can also be translated "loving kindness" or "compassion." The root form of the word means "oil that is poured out." In Biblical times, oil was poured out as a special honor to the person on whom it was poured out. For example, King David was anointed with oil (1 Samuel 16:13). The mercy we show is our way of showing special honor to God, and to those around us... loving others as we love ourselves.
For most of us, mercy is going to mean letting things go, and not letting our anger get the best of us. It's so hard not to lash out when someone 'deserves' it, but we have to remember that while we are all deserving of punishment, Jesus pardoned us. Since we have been shown such great mercy, we ought to show the same mercy to others.
We also spent a great deal of time talking about the concert. It's getting down to the wire, so everybody make sure that you don't procrastinate! Every minute counts. I know that it's exciting, planning all these details for the fundraiser, but let's always keep in our minds and hearts the reason we are raising that money. The concert is not an end in itself; God has bigger things in store for us.
You are all in my prayers. I'll miss you next week; have a good Easter! I'll see you all on the 19th.
Hey you guys!
For once I am going to get this email sent out on time! I smile. This week we deviated from the book a little bit... and I'm glad that we did. Tim felt led to talk a bit more about the topic of Pete's sermon: Mercy. We read the parable of the unmerciful servant (Matthew 18:21-35, for those of you who missed it) and discussed what it means to show mercy to others.
The ancient Greek word for mercy is eleos, which can also be translated "loving kindness" or "compassion." The root form of the word means "oil that is poured out." In Biblical times, oil was poured out as a special honor to the person on whom it was poured out. For example, King David was anointed with oil (1 Samuel 16:13). The mercy we show is our way of showing special honor to God, and to those around us... loving others as we love ourselves.
For most of us, mercy is going to mean letting things go, and not letting our anger get the best of us. It's so hard not to lash out when someone 'deserves' it, but we have to remember that while we are all deserving of punishment, Jesus pardoned us. Since we have been shown such great mercy, we ought to show the same mercy to others.
We also spent a great deal of time talking about the concert. It's getting down to the wire, so everybody make sure that you don't procrastinate! Every minute counts. I know that it's exciting, planning all these details for the fundraiser, but let's always keep in our minds and hearts the reason we are raising that money. The concert is not an end in itself; God has bigger things in store for us.
You are all in my prayers. I'll miss you next week; have a good Easter! I'll see you all on the 19th.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Holocaust Studies: The Eight-Hour Conversation
(Excerpts from my journal are in italics and are dated.)
"One may not be able to triumph over evil, but one need not remain silent in the face of it." -Smith Hempstone
Photograph: Me... after hours on an airplane.
"One may not be able to triumph over evil, but one need not remain silent in the face of it." -Smith Hempstone
Photograph: Me... after hours on an airplane.
March 04, 2009 4:00 a.m. (after our return from Poland)
Aboard our plane from Krakow to Frankfurt, there were thirty orthodox Jewish rabbis from New York City. Everyone in the group just looked at each other, then toward heaven, and thanked God for the opportunity. Patti made everyone laugh by saying, "Now I know the plane won't crash."
The rabbi Patti Sheets was sitting near, Jacob Schmidt, was very open to her questioning. He told her that his mother was a survivor of Auschwitz. He also told her about the fact that regular German citizens knew about conditions in the concentration camps, using the example of a young boy whose mother took him to the zoo in Berlin. When he saw the zebras, he said, "Look, mama, those zebras look like the Jews." It was marvelous chance to get the Jewish perspective on what we had been studying. Disembarking in Germany, each group agreed to pray for the others' safe return home, as we heard that there was a snowstorm moving down the east coast.
We had a five-hour layover in Frankfurt; it made for a long day. It was kind of neat to sit in that hub of activity and enjoy lunch, though. We got to see people from many countries. We even saw a pair of Tibetan monks, in their orange robes, with their staffs that somehow made it through security. I spent some time wondering about that...
Chris and Joanna both paid for a few minutes of internet access and updated their Facebook status; the Florida group was already home, so we got to see what some of them were up to. We missed them already, and we'd only been apart for a few hours!
Funny how God works like that! We knew that day that it was no coincidence that we ended up on the plane next to the most talkative rabbi in the bunch! It was a fairly short flight from Krakow to Frankfurt, so our communication skills from the Paris trip came in very handy. I smile. However, the day was not over yet, and God had much more in store... particularly for me!
We boarded the plane for Washington-Dulles and ended up sitting across the aisle from a very talkative young man (we'll call him Ian). He was full of questions! He asked us our names, where we'd been and why, how old we were, where we went to school, and what we wanted to do with our lives. As soon as he heard that I wanted to be a missionary, he began to question me intently.
He asked me about my beliefs--whether or not I took a literal interpretation of Scripture--and we got into a discussion about the verity of the Gospels and the 'inconsistencies' in the Old and New Testaments. By this point, we were in the air, and it had become difficult and somewhat uncomfortable to talk around poor Chris, who had the aisle seat, and our conversation was just getting started, so I moved to an empty seat next to Ian, taking my Bible along. We did a bit of searching for those 'inconsistencies', but we found none.
We discussed the Canon and its purpose, books that didn't 'make the cut', and the gnostic gospels. I did a lot of listening; Ian was obviously very well read, and had given the topic a great deal of thought and study. He kept up a never-ending flow of questions! He asked me for my views on drugs and alcohol, abortion, divorce, torture, separation of church and state, and other topics, saying that he appreciated the consistency of my answers.
Then he asked me for my perspective on human suffering, saying that he could not reconcile the idea of a loving God with all the evil he sees in the world. He talked about topics as broad as genocide and as close to home as a friend of his, a coworker, who was a strong Christian. This man took his lunch hour everyday to sit and talk with Ian and answer his endless questions. From Ian's description, this man sounded like one of those rare and shining Christians I aspire to emulate. But he developed cancer and died young, leaving behind his wife and kids... and a very confused Ian.
Ian asked me, very seriously, how a just and loving God could let such a faithful servant of his die such a horrible death, and leave other believers and the man's family to suffer in their grief? I tried to put it in perspective for him, telling him that, for the Christian, death is not the end of all things; death is rather the beginning. It is not a punishment, but a glorious reward; it is not loss, but gain. And as for the man's family, they know that their grief is only temporary, and that they will see him again. Ian was quiet for a while.
Afterward, we retreated to a less personal topic, comparing the book of Job to the story of Faust. I told him about my 'object lesson for Satan' theory, which made him laugh... and think. We discussed predestination, and how God exists outside of time, and how humans have to be content with not knowing everything, even as we strive to learn as much as we can. He told me about a thesis he had written for college, entitled, "The Sin of Knowledge." We debated the pros and cons of free will, and how knowledge is both wonderful and terrible.
We talked about Plato, Socrates and Josephus. We talked about the Jesus Seminar, and about believing in things that cannot scientifically be proven to exist, like God and love. There was a story behind that: at one point, Ian dated an atheist who did not believe in love. She believed only in biochemical reactions. It was the first time I had ever heard that point of view. How could anyone not believe in love?
We talked politics for a little while; Ian revealed that he works for the government. (How cool is that?) He's talked to Colin Powell and met Barack Obama. In discussing the recent election/inauguration, we decided that we both have a problem with people who blindly get behind political candidates without thinking--with anyone, really, who says they believe something or stand behind it... without knowing what it's really about.
We debated: Absolute truth, or subjective truth? I explained to him that perception does not equal reality. Some things are true whether we believe they're true or not. He kept asking me how I would answer him if I was not looking through the eyes of faith; it's simply impossible for me to answer any other way.
Last but not least, after I told him about the purpose of our trip to Poland, he told me a story about his grandfather, who had survived Flossenburg concentration camp. On his deathbed, the man was tormented by the memory of a friend of his, whom he had watched being beaten to death by Nazi soldiers. He had wanted to help him, but knew that such an action would cost him his own life. While he lay dying, he imagined that his friend sat near his bed and demanded of him, "Why did you leave me?"
All in all, it was the most draining conversation I've ever had, and an opportunity I'm glad I did not waste. Ian told me, before I returned to my seat for the final descent, that the things he really appreciated about my conversation style were that I really listened to him and made sure I understood before answering him, that I did not argue belligerently, but respectfully made my position known. I think what impressed him most, though, was that I was willing to admit when I didn't know something. My confession of my imperfect knowledge gave me more credibility. He said that he appreciated my sincerity and consistency; I did not waver between two opinions.
In this way I spent eight hours talking with a twenty-six year old government employee. If I had known a year in advance, I could not have adequately prepared for that conversation. It was the hardest thing I have every done. Everything mattered to Ian; he wanted to have it all figured out before making a commitment . But we cannot 'figure out' concepts like eternity, love, beauty, evil and suffering. We do not have the capacity for infinite knowledge.
This is where Ian and I differed. Everything matters to me, too, but I can accept not knowing why or how God did something, even if I must wrestle with indignation and futility. I accept that I am not God, and that God does not owe me an explanation for doing as He does. Ian is still after that explanation.
We landed at Washington-Dulles airport, and we went our separate ways. I may never see Ian again, though I hope that is not the case, but I know our meeting was orchestrated by God. It's strange to me, the lack of coincidence in circumstances! I pray that Ian's curiosity and his studious nature will lead him to the TRUTH... and that the truth will change his life.
For anyone who's wondering, I did obtain Ian's email address, and we have kept up correspondence since my return to my everyday life. Never brush off the opportunities God gives you! Who knows... I may be a catalyst in Ian's life, all because I chose to obey that still, small voice that prompted me to cross the aisle that day in March.
Aboard our plane from Krakow to Frankfurt, there were thirty orthodox Jewish rabbis from New York City. Everyone in the group just looked at each other, then toward heaven, and thanked God for the opportunity. Patti made everyone laugh by saying, "Now I know the plane won't crash."
The rabbi Patti Sheets was sitting near, Jacob Schmidt, was very open to her questioning. He told her that his mother was a survivor of Auschwitz. He also told her about the fact that regular German citizens knew about conditions in the concentration camps, using the example of a young boy whose mother took him to the zoo in Berlin. When he saw the zebras, he said, "Look, mama, those zebras look like the Jews." It was marvelous chance to get the Jewish perspective on what we had been studying. Disembarking in Germany, each group agreed to pray for the others' safe return home, as we heard that there was a snowstorm moving down the east coast.
We had a five-hour layover in Frankfurt; it made for a long day. It was kind of neat to sit in that hub of activity and enjoy lunch, though. We got to see people from many countries. We even saw a pair of Tibetan monks, in their orange robes, with their staffs that somehow made it through security. I spent some time wondering about that...
Chris and Joanna both paid for a few minutes of internet access and updated their Facebook status; the Florida group was already home, so we got to see what some of them were up to. We missed them already, and we'd only been apart for a few hours!
Funny how God works like that! We knew that day that it was no coincidence that we ended up on the plane next to the most talkative rabbi in the bunch! It was a fairly short flight from Krakow to Frankfurt, so our communication skills from the Paris trip came in very handy. I smile. However, the day was not over yet, and God had much more in store... particularly for me!
We boarded the plane for Washington-Dulles and ended up sitting across the aisle from a very talkative young man (we'll call him Ian). He was full of questions! He asked us our names, where we'd been and why, how old we were, where we went to school, and what we wanted to do with our lives. As soon as he heard that I wanted to be a missionary, he began to question me intently.
He asked me about my beliefs--whether or not I took a literal interpretation of Scripture--and we got into a discussion about the verity of the Gospels and the 'inconsistencies' in the Old and New Testaments. By this point, we were in the air, and it had become difficult and somewhat uncomfortable to talk around poor Chris, who had the aisle seat, and our conversation was just getting started, so I moved to an empty seat next to Ian, taking my Bible along. We did a bit of searching for those 'inconsistencies', but we found none.
We discussed the Canon and its purpose, books that didn't 'make the cut', and the gnostic gospels. I did a lot of listening; Ian was obviously very well read, and had given the topic a great deal of thought and study. He kept up a never-ending flow of questions! He asked me for my views on drugs and alcohol, abortion, divorce, torture, separation of church and state, and other topics, saying that he appreciated the consistency of my answers.
Then he asked me for my perspective on human suffering, saying that he could not reconcile the idea of a loving God with all the evil he sees in the world. He talked about topics as broad as genocide and as close to home as a friend of his, a coworker, who was a strong Christian. This man took his lunch hour everyday to sit and talk with Ian and answer his endless questions. From Ian's description, this man sounded like one of those rare and shining Christians I aspire to emulate. But he developed cancer and died young, leaving behind his wife and kids... and a very confused Ian.
Ian asked me, very seriously, how a just and loving God could let such a faithful servant of his die such a horrible death, and leave other believers and the man's family to suffer in their grief? I tried to put it in perspective for him, telling him that, for the Christian, death is not the end of all things; death is rather the beginning. It is not a punishment, but a glorious reward; it is not loss, but gain. And as for the man's family, they know that their grief is only temporary, and that they will see him again. Ian was quiet for a while.
Afterward, we retreated to a less personal topic, comparing the book of Job to the story of Faust. I told him about my 'object lesson for Satan' theory, which made him laugh... and think. We discussed predestination, and how God exists outside of time, and how humans have to be content with not knowing everything, even as we strive to learn as much as we can. He told me about a thesis he had written for college, entitled, "The Sin of Knowledge." We debated the pros and cons of free will, and how knowledge is both wonderful and terrible.
We talked about Plato, Socrates and Josephus. We talked about the Jesus Seminar, and about believing in things that cannot scientifically be proven to exist, like God and love. There was a story behind that: at one point, Ian dated an atheist who did not believe in love. She believed only in biochemical reactions. It was the first time I had ever heard that point of view. How could anyone not believe in love?
We talked politics for a little while; Ian revealed that he works for the government. (How cool is that?) He's talked to Colin Powell and met Barack Obama. In discussing the recent election/inauguration, we decided that we both have a problem with people who blindly get behind political candidates without thinking--with anyone, really, who says they believe something or stand behind it... without knowing what it's really about.
We debated: Absolute truth, or subjective truth? I explained to him that perception does not equal reality. Some things are true whether we believe they're true or not. He kept asking me how I would answer him if I was not looking through the eyes of faith; it's simply impossible for me to answer any other way.
Last but not least, after I told him about the purpose of our trip to Poland, he told me a story about his grandfather, who had survived Flossenburg concentration camp. On his deathbed, the man was tormented by the memory of a friend of his, whom he had watched being beaten to death by Nazi soldiers. He had wanted to help him, but knew that such an action would cost him his own life. While he lay dying, he imagined that his friend sat near his bed and demanded of him, "Why did you leave me?"
All in all, it was the most draining conversation I've ever had, and an opportunity I'm glad I did not waste. Ian told me, before I returned to my seat for the final descent, that the things he really appreciated about my conversation style were that I really listened to him and made sure I understood before answering him, that I did not argue belligerently, but respectfully made my position known. I think what impressed him most, though, was that I was willing to admit when I didn't know something. My confession of my imperfect knowledge gave me more credibility. He said that he appreciated my sincerity and consistency; I did not waver between two opinions.
In this way I spent eight hours talking with a twenty-six year old government employee. If I had known a year in advance, I could not have adequately prepared for that conversation. It was the hardest thing I have every done. Everything mattered to Ian; he wanted to have it all figured out before making a commitment . But we cannot 'figure out' concepts like eternity, love, beauty, evil and suffering. We do not have the capacity for infinite knowledge.
This is where Ian and I differed. Everything matters to me, too, but I can accept not knowing why or how God did something, even if I must wrestle with indignation and futility. I accept that I am not God, and that God does not owe me an explanation for doing as He does. Ian is still after that explanation.
We landed at Washington-Dulles airport, and we went our separate ways. I may never see Ian again, though I hope that is not the case, but I know our meeting was orchestrated by God. It's strange to me, the lack of coincidence in circumstances! I pray that Ian's curiosity and his studious nature will lead him to the TRUTH... and that the truth will change his life.
For anyone who's wondering, I did obtain Ian's email address, and we have kept up correspondence since my return to my everyday life. Never brush off the opportunities God gives you! Who knows... I may be a catalyst in Ian's life, all because I chose to obey that still, small voice that prompted me to cross the aisle that day in March.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Peter or Judas?
"I know of no more poignant contrast between two human destinies than that of Peter and Judas. Both assumed leadership within the group of Jesus' disciples. Both saw and heard wondrous things. Both went through the same dithery cycle of hope, fear and disillusionment. As the stakes increased, both denied their Master. There, the similarity breaks off. Judas, remorseful but apparently unrepentant, accepted the logical consequences of his deed, took his own life, and went down as the greatest traitor in history. He died unwilling to receive what Jesus had come to offer him. Peter, humiliated but still open to Jesus' message of grace and forgiveness, went on to lead a revival in Jerusalem and did not stop until he reached Rome." -from The Jesus I Never Knew
I quoted the above paragraph because I recently finished reading Philip Yancey's The Jesus I Never Knew, and though I had often thought about Judas and Peter as individuals, I had never before considered them as just two of a group.
We tend to focus on Judas, because we judge his betrayal to have been the worst. Judas sold Jesus for thirty pieces of silver, and kissed him in order to identify him to those who came to arrest him, but Peter denied him three times. And, pardoning John, the rest of the disciples fled. Those who had sworn to follow him to death (Matthew 26:35) abandoned him at the first sign of trouble.
Before God, all sins are equal. A 'small' sin separates you from God, just the same as a 'big' sin. So in Jesus' sight, Judas and Peter were equally in need of forgiveness, and he would have forgiven them both, had both of them been willing. As it was, Judas was not willing. He chose death. Peter, however, was forgiven. When Christ asked for his love, Peter gave it. He chose forgiveness.
We have all betrayed Christ, in our own way. Perhaps our betrayal was not like that of Judas, or even that of Peter, but it was betrayal all the same. Before we were Christians, and since becoming Christians, we have all turned our backs to Christ and gone our own way. But, having sinned and betrayed Christ, how will we respond?
I pray that we will respond as Peter did, with repentance, putting the sin and betrayal behind us and devoting ourselves to loving obedience, instead of choosing Judas' response: death. There are really only two options.
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son."
-John 3:16-18
I quoted the above paragraph because I recently finished reading Philip Yancey's The Jesus I Never Knew, and though I had often thought about Judas and Peter as individuals, I had never before considered them as just two of a group.
We tend to focus on Judas, because we judge his betrayal to have been the worst. Judas sold Jesus for thirty pieces of silver, and kissed him in order to identify him to those who came to arrest him, but Peter denied him three times. And, pardoning John, the rest of the disciples fled. Those who had sworn to follow him to death (Matthew 26:35) abandoned him at the first sign of trouble.
Before God, all sins are equal. A 'small' sin separates you from God, just the same as a 'big' sin. So in Jesus' sight, Judas and Peter were equally in need of forgiveness, and he would have forgiven them both, had both of them been willing. As it was, Judas was not willing. He chose death. Peter, however, was forgiven. When Christ asked for his love, Peter gave it. He chose forgiveness.
We have all betrayed Christ, in our own way. Perhaps our betrayal was not like that of Judas, or even that of Peter, but it was betrayal all the same. Before we were Christians, and since becoming Christians, we have all turned our backs to Christ and gone our own way. But, having sinned and betrayed Christ, how will we respond?
I pray that we will respond as Peter did, with repentance, putting the sin and betrayal behind us and devoting ourselves to loving obedience, instead of choosing Judas' response: death. There are really only two options.
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son."
-John 3:16-18
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