My Heart's Cry

(Below is a prayer prayed at midnight, July 29th, 2010)


Fearless warriors in a picket fence
Reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end
And we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences
The God we want and the God Who Is
Will we trade our dreams for His?
Or are we caught in the middle?


("Somewhere in the Middle," by Casting Crowns)




God...

Time to ditch the common sense.  Enough of these games.  Enough of searching for a way to better myself.  I am not an imperfect creature in need of improvement; I am a rebel who must lay down my arms.  You know my deeds; that I have been neither cold nor hot.  Because I was lukewarm, You were about to spit me out of Your mouth.  I thought I was rich and secure and strong, that I did not need a thing.  But I was wrong.  I am a poor and needy wretch, and I have been so blind.  I have walked around like the Emperor in his new clothes, shamefully unaware of my nakedness.  I need You, O Lord my God.

I need You like water
Like breath, like rain
I need You like mercy
From heaven's gates
There's a freedom in Your arms
That carries me through
I need You


("I Need You," by LeAnn Rimes)


I need from You the gold of fidelity refined in the fires of trial and the garments of purity and innocence washed in Jesus' blood.  Cover my nakedness, O God, and open my eyes.  God, I praise You for Your love and compassionate mercy, that You are relentless in Your pursuit of me.  I am grateful even for the sting of Your rebuke and the smart of Your discipline.

Oh, how You love me!  God, I pray that You will empower me to love with the same love.  All-consuming and intense, like a blazing fire many waters cannot quench.

The one thing I desire
Is just to know You more
To live a life that moves and breathes
And loves to bring You joy
So  fill me with a fire
That burns away my doubts and all my fears
Into a place where You are all I hear
It's the one thing I desire
To do what You require
Is the one thing I desire


("I Desire," by Natalie Grant)


God, empty me of me, that I might be filled with You.  You must become greater; I must become less.  You made yourself nothing for me; You emptied and poured Yourself out.  God, I pray that I might make much of You and nothing of myself.  I care nothing for even eventual exaltation; I pray that I might live my life so well that, when I come to the end of it, no one will remember my name--only that I lived to glorify Yours.

God, help me.  O Lord, I love Thee.  I am a wretch, but I love Thee.  Teach me to love You more, not with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth.  You took the very nature of a servant and spent Yourself for my soul; I pray that I might do the very same thing.  No more self-righteousness.  No more hypocrisy.  Only humility, and steadfast determination to recognize, confess and glory in my imperfections, which serve only to make Your Name great.

God, content me always in my circumstances and never in my character.  Let me give You glory, honor and praise in all things, and always yield to Your power at work in me.  Make my faith like that of a child--simple, joyful and pure.  Increase it daily.  I have great need of You, and great desire to need You even more.

"O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more.  I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace.  I am ashamed of my lack of desire.  O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still.  Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed.  Begin in mercy a new work of love within me.  Say to my soul, 'Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away.'  Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long."


-A. W. Tozer


"Christ with me
Christ before me
Christ behind me
Christ in me
Christ beneath me
Christ above me
Christ on my right
Christ on my left
Christ when I lie down
Christ when I sit down
Christ when I arise
Christ in the head of every man who thinks of me
Christ in the mouth of every man who speaks of me
Christ in every eye that sees me
Christ in every ear that hears me"


-St. Patrick


Father, You have glorified Your Name.  Glorify it again in me, by the life I live or the death I die.  Let me bring every thought captive to You; let my every action flow out of my love for You.  Let all I do be done to the uttermost, with the strength You provide.  God, You are great; You are worthy; You  are holy, Holy, HOLY.  Your grace has been multiplied to me a thousand times, and I praise You for that; I know I shall need it a thousand times more.

Teach me to love all that You love and hate all that You hate.  Let me spend myself for the sake of the love You bear for both sinner and saint, lost and found.  God, may I exult only in You.  Let nothing please me save that You please me first.  You delight in me; may I always delight in You.  Draw near to me as I draw near to You, and let my nearness cause others to seek Your face.

God, may I care nothing at all for myself and everything for You!  May I struggle and strain to be wholly Yours, pressing onward for love of You, whether there is a prize or not.

You're all I want
You're all I need
You're Everything


("Everything," by Lifehouse)


More than my next breath
More than life or death
All I'm reaching for
I live my life to know You more
I leave it all behind
You're all that satisfies
To know You is to want to know You more


("To Know You," by Casting Crowns)


May I desire nothing save You.  God, I desire this.  Stoke this fire.  Do not let it dwindle.  Keep me burning with passion for You.  Stir my soul.  And even when I feel nothing, let me obey, for You are the Way, the Truth and the Life.  Your love is a symphony; an ache in my bones.  Be my life.  Be my breath.  Be everything else to me.  I pray that my offering might be acceptable in Your sight, my Lord and my God.

Things Not Seen

My friend

You know how this all ends

And you know where you're going

You just don't know how you get there

So say a prayer

And hold on

'Cause there's good for those who love God

And life is not a snapshot

It might take a little time

But you'll see the bigger picture

Would you dare, would you dare to believe

That you still have a reason to sing?

'Cause the pain that you've been feeling

Can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on

You've got to wait for the light

Press on

And just fight the good fight

'Cause the pain that you've been feeling

Is just the dark before the morning

("Before the Morning," by Josh Wilson)

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

-Hebrews 11:1, KJV

This past Sunday was my last week to teach Sunday school.  Once again, God kept me waiting until the last minute before presenting me with a topic.  I had prayed and searched scripture all week, but I couldn't think of what to teach until God called me out into the hayfield on Friday night to lay on my back and look up at the stars.  I have not done so since I came home from school.  I have not done so alone since last summer, prior to my freshman year at MACU.  (See Archives for "Stargazing with Abraham.")  

As I lay there, I marveled at God's beauty.  My panoramic view of the vaulting velvet sky above me made my soul very quiet.  I remembered all of God's promises; all of His plans for me; every word He has ever spoken that I have cherished and pondered in my heart.  How, I wondered, when God has been so faithful, when He has helped me thus far, could I ever doubt Him?  How could I ever waver in my faith?  How could I ever fail to believe that what He has promised, He will make good?  One the one hand, I believe and trust Him with all my heart... but on the other, it is so hard each time to ask, to reach, to step out in faith!

"'I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

-Mark 9:24, NIV

'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus

Just to take Him at His word

Just to rest upon His promise

Just to know, "Thus saith the Lord."

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!

How I've proved Him o'er and o'er!

Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus

O for grace to trust Him more!

("'Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus," by Louisa Stead and William Kirkpatrick)

The measure of a person's faith is whether or not they live what they say they believe.  Faith without action is dead.  The first activity of faith is prayer--and what have my prayers been lately?  Few, and far between, and full of doubt.  It is so tempting to lean on my own understanding; to do only those things I believe I can handle on my own!  Do I believe that God is Who He says He is, and that He can do what He says He can do?  Yes, I believe this... and yet.  I seldom live in light of what I believe.  

As I lay there in the quiet, though, I began to understand why my faith is so small and feeble.  The longer I lay there, the more my eyes adjusted to the darkness, and the more stars became visible to the naked eye.  I was reminded of a verse:

"For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; while we look not at things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal."

-2 Corinthians 4:17-18, KJV

The more I see of God, the more of Him there is to see.  He draws me ever "further up and further in" ("The Last Battle," by C. S. Lewis).  Time and time again He reminds me that there is more to my life than meets the eye.  This has been a hard summer.  It's been hard for me, and it's been hard for those I love.  I have felt the weight of my own trials, and the weight of theirs as well.  There has been much to celebrate, and much to ache over. Many victories and many defeats.  This warrior is a child; despite every battle won, oftentimes all I want to do is sit down and cry.  Yet there is this overwhelming sense of awe as I see God at work; my heart cries out, "God, what are you doing?"  

Whatever You're doing

Inside of me

It feels like chaos

But somehow there's peace

It's hard to surrender

To what I can't see

But I'm giving in

To something heavenly

Whatever You're doing

Inside of me

It feels like chaos

But I believe

You're up to something

Bigger than me

Larger than life

Something heavenly

("Whatever You're Doing," by Sanctus Real)

I had a very thoughtful Monday morning at work.  There is a driving need in my soul to know the why behind my circumstances.  I know that something bigger than me is going on here; something epic and eternal... and I want to know what it is!  As I was wondering--and muttering--quietly to myself about this while I worked, I heard the sharp rebuke of the Lord in my heart:

"Having eyes, see ye not?  And having ears, hear ye not?  And do ye not remember?"

-Mark 8:18, KJV

Jesus spoke these words to His disciples when they were worried about having no bread; I can just imagine his exasperated tone as He reminds them of the fact that He provided bread for five thousand from just five small loaves, and bread for four thousand from seven small loaves. At the call to remember, I looked back upon the past two months, upon the past year, upon the past two years.  My view again became panoramic; my spiritual eyes adjusted to take in the big picture.

Time and again God has asked me to go in the strength that I have to do what He has asked of me, simply trusting that His plans are good and that He will take care of me.  Though I have fought and fussed at Him, when I have finally loosed my white-knuckled grip on the desire to order and control my own life, He has always done more for me than I could ever have asked for or imagined.

Having wrested my attention away from my usual narrow focus and convicted me through the words from my own mouth as I taught on Sunday morning, God proceeded on Monday morning to bring to mind every good thing He has promised me that He has brought to pass; He said to me:

"'I know what I'm doing!  I have it all planned out--plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for."

-Jeremiah 29:11, MSG

Though my life has recently been turbulent, full of dark places I have not wanted to go and hard things I have neither wanted to do nor had the strength to do alone, I am beginning to see the light at the end of this tunnel.  For now, I can let go the need to know why.  God's promises are good:

"We don't yet see things clearly.  We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist.  But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright!  We'll see it all then, as clearly as God sees us, knowing Him directly, just as He knows us."

-1 Corinthians 13:12, MSG

I long for that day and live in anticipation of it.  But this is my prayer for the moment:

I'm so glad I learned to trust Thee

Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend

And I know that Thou art with me

Wilt be with me to the end

("'Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus," by Louisa Stead and William Kirkpatrick)