New Year

Love

Should it be so tragic?

Should it be dramatic?

Should it take such a toll on you?

Trust

Why is our trust faded?

Jesus says to trade them

Trade our scars for His promises

So give Him all your love this time

Give Him everything you are this time

You've never been so lucky

To have a friend like Jesus

Wait

How long will you wait here?

Your life longs for a new year

Your healing must begin somewhere

Everything you could ever want

Is right before you

He is close to your broken heart

You're right where you should be

("New Year," by This Beautiful Republic)

New Year's Eve has always been my favorite holiday. Oh sure, Thanksgiving and Christmas are wonderful times, but New Year's holds a special place in my heart. It's not that a second chance isn't available all year round, but there is something about the entire world counting down the last few seconds of the year (in different time zones, of course, but still) and looking forward to a fresh start; a new beginning.

However, December 31st, 2009 was a rough time for me. I started off the day with Satan perched on my shoulder, and me without the strength to give him a hefty shove and put him back in his place--under my feet. He hissed lies in my ear all day long: You are a screw up. You can't do anything right. You might as well just give up. The father of lies has not lost his touch since Eden.

It's hard when the devil won't get off your back

It's like carrying around the past in a hundred-pound sack

("Let It Go," by Tim McGraw)

The worst part about these lies was that there was a shred of truth in them. 2009 was a rough year, full of frustrations, tears, mistakes and regrets. That day, Satan was using my loneliness and sadness to get to me. He almost had me; he had almost convinced me. However...

"God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear."

-1 Corinthians 10:13b, NIV

God is good. That night, at about eleven o'clock, Joshua (my boyfriend) got a phone call and abruptly decided that it was of utmost importance that we go outside. I hurried to put shoes on as he half-dragged, half-shoved me out the door and had me stand at the end of the driveway. As I looked up the hill to the top of the driveway, I saw a pair of headlights. His phone rang again, and when he picked up, I heard a familiar voice at the other end of the line asking if he was in the right place.

Delight filled me in an instant as the car rolled down the drive; two of my best guy-friends from MACU had decided to crash my house for New Year's. All I could do was hug them and grin like an idiot; there were no words to express my happiness as we all tramped in to my small cold house, made introductions all around, and piled eight people onto my couch to watch the ball drop.

I marveled at the sense of contentment that filled me as I just sat back and watched the people I loved best celebrating the holiday I love best. I realized then, with cold, startling clarity, that God was using my friends to restore my heart and remind me of the truth: Don't give up, love. You're right where you should be. Keep going; press forward. I've got good things in store for you. Satan's hold was broken; the lies were dispelled. For the first time all day, I felt as though I could breathe freely and walk easy.

Almost giddy with happiness, I stayed up talking until three-thirty, at which point Joshua pulled me aside and quietly asked if we could go for a walk. It was foggy at that ridiculous hour of the morning, but the moon was full, and the hayfield in front of my house was threaded with wisps of silvery light; it was beautiful and breathtakingly cold. We walked and talked; or rather, he walked. I danced and skipped and bounced; I was so full of joy that I could not make myself be calm.

Towards the end of our walk, as we were clambering onto the back porch and preparing to go back inside (though my house was not much warmer than outside), he caught me by the elbow and pulled me into a tight embrace. "I love you," he whispered, so softly I could hardly hear. I didn't think my smile could get any wider; apparently it could. I started to answer, "I love you too," when he pushed me back a bit and looked down at me; he was shaking, and I could feel his heart pounding even through his heavy coat. "And because I love you," he continued, "I want to give you something."

He let me go, slipped his hand into his pocket, and sank down to one knee. My heart turned over, and before he spoke a word my eyes misted over with tears of pure joy. My "Yes," tripped over his "Will you marry me?" and I hugged him and laughed for at least half an hour. We prayed then, thanking God, and headed back inside to tell everyone else.

New Year's Eve held a special place in my heart before; how much more so now! I trust God when He tells me that He has good plans for me; how much more so now!

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out--plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for."

-Jeremiah 29:11, MSG

Not for the first time, I am going to borrow words not my own. When I woke up again at a decent hour on the first of January, 2010, I found a piece of notebook paper left by one of my friends before he went out to watch the sunrise. He closed the short note by saying, "Congratulations; one chapter closes, another begins." I smiled when I read that; it is so true. I look forward to opening this new chapter of my life and watching my life story continue to unfold. I am glad that you all are along for the journey.

God bless.

Running Free

My dead heart now is beating

My deepest stains now clean

Your breath fills up my lungs

Now I'm free

Into marvelous light I'm running

Out of darkness

Out of shame

By the cross

You are the Truth

You are the Life

You are the Way

("Marvelous Light," by Charlie Hall)

"I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free."

-Psalm 119:32, NIV

I sat here for a moment with writer's block, repeating that verse quietly to myself. It was a verse I stumbled upon very early in the year, and without knowing why, I decided to make it my theme verse for 2009. Something about it beckoned me. I could not have named the longings a year ago, but what I yearned for was a heart set free from self-righteousness and legalism. I greatly desired not only to follow God, but to run after Him; to pursue Him with reckless abandon.

The condition of my captive heart was not unknown to me; I knew of the secret wounds and tolerated sins. I knew that these were crippling flaws that would most certainly rear their ugly heads and attempt my destruction at some point. But I did not have the strength to fight them; I had spent what little strength I had fleeing from them. It was only a matter of time until they caught me up.

"The sins of some men are obvious, reaching the place of judgment ahead of them; the sins of others trail behind them."

-1 Timothy 5:24, NIV

I had run from the battle for so long, I knew no other way. God, however, would not tolerate my resignation. He would not permit me to bear the burden, to trudge on alone in determined silence while still under it's weight. So, like Aslan in C. S. Lewis' The Horse and His Boy, He Himself began to chase after me. To be pursued by God is a fearful thing. I ran harder, but my strength at last failed me. I stumbled and fell; my fears caught up with me; the worst was upon me... and He delivered me.

It was painful to allow the removal of the things which hindered me; the only thing I can compare it to is that prickling, tingling, on-fire feeling of circulation returning to a limb that has fallen asleep. My heart had almost ceased to beat; my thumos had nearly dissipated. About to black out in shallow water, instead I broke the surface and drew breath.

God restored my child's heart, and my warrior's spirit. He restored my compassion, and my courage. It happened slowly, and almost took me by surprise... but I marveled at and delighted in it. Now, with restored vigor, I look ahead to the coming year, laugh in Satan's face and say, "Bring it on." And with a grin I lace up my running shoes and set off on the path God has set before me--straight and narrow--my burdens lifted, running free.

Remembrance, Not Regret

It's been a bad day

You've been looking back

And all you can see is everything you wish you could take back

A world of regrets

All of those moments you would rather forget

I know it's hard to believe

Let me refresh your memory

Yesterday is history

And history is miles away

So leave it all behind you

But let it always remind you of the day

The day that love made history

You know you can't stay

Right where you fell

The hardest part is forgiving yourself

But let's take a walk into today

And don't let your past get in the way

Would you believe that you are history in the making?

Every choice that you are making

Every step that you are taking

Every chain that you are breaking

History is in the making

Every word that you are saying

Every prayer that you are praying

Every chain that you are breaking

History is in the making

("History," by Matthew West)

"Therefore I will always remind you about these things, even though you already know them and are standing firm in the truth you have been taught. And it is only right that I should keep on reminding you as long as I live."

-2 Peter 1:12-13, NLT

I think of my life as a story, and as the New Year approaches, I find myself looking over the past year in much the same way I would thumb through the pages of a well-loved and much-read book. So much has taken place over the course of a single year! There have been many milestones, and so much growth. I have shared laughter and tears in abundance. I have stumbled and fallen many times, but God in His infinite mercy and grace has never failed to lift me up again.

"May you never forget what is worth remembering, nor ever remember what is best forgotten."

-Irish Blessing

However, even with my new understanding and appreciation of grace, it is still so easy to give way to despair when I look back on the dark periods of this year. There's no way around it, no way to avoid the painful fact that I fell hard this year, no escape from the regret. I appreciate and even cherish the lessons learned through those difficult times, but I cannot help but wish I were not so stubborn that I had to learn them the hard way!

Even as I write this paragraph, tears fill my eyes. They are hot tears; frustrated, angry tears. Each memory is like a whiplash, but I do not stop turning them over in my mind, because I feel that I deserve that pain. But even as I try to inflict this heart-wrenching punishment on myself, a nail-pierced hand descends on my shoulder, and I turn to fall into arms stretched as wide as the east is from the west. It is on the shoulder of Christ that these tears are spent.

He took my punishment, which I do indeed deserve, on Himself. He paid the debt, once for all. Every sin I have committed, and every sin I will ever commit, is already covered by His blood. Though my heart may ache at these memories, His was broken for me.

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as a atoning sacrifice for our sins."

-1 John 4:10, NIV

And so my Savior, my love, brushes the tears from my cheeks. I can see the love in His eyes. He holds out His hands and asks me, one more time, to hand over these regrets. Tremblingly, I do so, and one more time He does what I cannot do for myself and throws them all to the wind. What awesome love, what stunning grace, that will not permit me the pain of regret, however well-deserved.

I understand that these memories will remain, like scars. The wounds will heal, yes, but they will leave a permanent mark. I have been forgiven; I am forgiving myself. But I cannot forget... and perhaps I am not supposed to. As I sit here at my keyboard, embraced by God, I begin to understand that I am to remember, but not regret.

"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."

-James 1:2-4, NLT

My favorite thing to do when reading a boring or difficult chapter in a book, is to flip to the end and skim a few pages, just to see how everything works out. It is always encouraging to me; though I do not know all the story in between, just knowing that it works out in the end is enough. This 'preview,' if you will, invigorates me as a reader, and I eagerly plunge back into the difficult chapter, so that I can get on with the story.

I'm doing something similar with the story of my life. Just by skimming the good things God has in store for me, I gain the strength to press forward and endure right now.

"History never looks like history when you are living through it. It always looks confusing and messy, and it always feels uncomfortable."

-John W. Gardner

My life is history in the making. One day I will look back on where I am right now, and I will be able to see everything that I could not when I was still living in the moment. On that day, I will be able to say that it was worth all the pain. Until then, I will hold to that hope.