I Saw God Today

I've been to church

I've read the book

I know He's here

But I don't look

Near as often as I should

Yeah, I know I should

His fingerprints are everywhere

I just slowed down to stop and stare

Opened my eyes and man I swear

I saw God today

("I Saw God Today," by George Strait)

A child's footprint. A cluster of holly berries. A flock of robins. (I've never even heard of robins flocking...) These minute details jumped out at me as I took a walk along the riverfront after classes ended today. When I started walking, I was concerned about where I was headed; but somewhere in the middle of my trek, I stopped thinking in terms of destination and started thinking in terms of destiny.

The past two weeks have undeniably been some of the hardest weeks of my life to date. I have been faced with a difficult problem, one I thought (or had convinced myself) that I had long overcome. Hidden things, however, have a way of coming to light.

"There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known."

-Luke 12:2, NIV

Christ came to proclaim freedom for captives; therefore He was not content for me to continue to strain and struggle under the burdens of my past. In order to help me face things long buried, He chose to work through my fiance and through my friends. They sat with me in silence and shock, like the friends of Job (Job 2:11-13). They held me--both spiritually and physically--when I cried.

You're holding her hand

You're straining for words

You're trying to make sense of it all

She's desperate for hope

Darkness clouding her view

She's looking to you

Just love her like Jesus

Carry her to Him

His yoke is easy

His burden is light

You don't need the answers

To all of life's questions

Just know that He loves her

And stay by her side

Love her like Jesus

("Love Them Like Jesus," by Casting Crowns)

One brave soul dared to ask me some of the hardest questions I have ever had to hear, and I know what it cost to ask them. They were heartbreaking, infuriating questions that brought out the ugliest side of who I am--my deepest defensive instincts. I knew the answers, though I did not like them much. I wrestled and fought with my knowledge of what now needs to be done, and I have been convicted at every turn. My thoughts, emotions, and prayers thoroughly exhausted me.

I needed to escape, to take a break and just breathe; today, at the urging and in the company of a friend, I did just that. I was told to bring a jacket and wear good walking shoes; nothing else. Our conversation was scattered and brief, more like a series of short narratives, as we walked through neighborhoods and past waterfront views that reminded me of my childhood.

Those two hours were hours well spent. My senses were heightened; every sight, sound and smell stood out to me in a unique way. I began to consider the powerful Creator of such 'simple' wonders. A familiar hymn came to mind, one line of which stood out to me:

This is my Father's world

Oh, let me ne'er forget

That though the wrong seems oft so strong

God is the ruler yet

("This Is My Father's World," by Maltbie D. Babcock)

Because I slowed down, and took time to breathe, and actually look... I could see God at work everywhere. I could see evidence of His providence all around me. I had known all along that He was there, but once I gave him my full attention, He displayed His glory. He took the time to painstakingly unveil Himself to me today and bring peace to my troubled soul.

I cannot say what tomorrow will bring. But I saw God today.

"Then Jesus told him, 'Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.'"

-John 20:29, NIV

New Year

Love

Should it be so tragic?

Should it be dramatic?

Should it take such a toll on you?

Trust

Why is our trust faded?

Jesus says to trade them

Trade our scars for His promises

So give Him all your love this time

Give Him everything you are this time

You've never been so lucky

To have a friend like Jesus

Wait

How long will you wait here?

Your life longs for a new year

Your healing must begin somewhere

Everything you could ever want

Is right before you

He is close to your broken heart

You're right where you should be

("New Year," by This Beautiful Republic)

New Year's Eve has always been my favorite holiday. Oh sure, Thanksgiving and Christmas are wonderful times, but New Year's holds a special place in my heart. It's not that a second chance isn't available all year round, but there is something about the entire world counting down the last few seconds of the year (in different time zones, of course, but still) and looking forward to a fresh start; a new beginning.

However, December 31st, 2009 was a rough time for me. I started off the day with Satan perched on my shoulder, and me without the strength to give him a hefty shove and put him back in his place--under my feet. He hissed lies in my ear all day long: You are a screw up. You can't do anything right. You might as well just give up. The father of lies has not lost his touch since Eden.

It's hard when the devil won't get off your back

It's like carrying around the past in a hundred-pound sack

("Let It Go," by Tim McGraw)

The worst part about these lies was that there was a shred of truth in them. 2009 was a rough year, full of frustrations, tears, mistakes and regrets. That day, Satan was using my loneliness and sadness to get to me. He almost had me; he had almost convinced me. However...

"God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear."

-1 Corinthians 10:13b, NIV

God is good. That night, at about eleven o'clock, Joshua (my boyfriend) got a phone call and abruptly decided that it was of utmost importance that we go outside. I hurried to put shoes on as he half-dragged, half-shoved me out the door and had me stand at the end of the driveway. As I looked up the hill to the top of the driveway, I saw a pair of headlights. His phone rang again, and when he picked up, I heard a familiar voice at the other end of the line asking if he was in the right place.

Delight filled me in an instant as the car rolled down the drive; two of my best guy-friends from MACU had decided to crash my house for New Year's. All I could do was hug them and grin like an idiot; there were no words to express my happiness as we all tramped in to my small cold house, made introductions all around, and piled eight people onto my couch to watch the ball drop.

I marveled at the sense of contentment that filled me as I just sat back and watched the people I loved best celebrating the holiday I love best. I realized then, with cold, startling clarity, that God was using my friends to restore my heart and remind me of the truth: Don't give up, love. You're right where you should be. Keep going; press forward. I've got good things in store for you. Satan's hold was broken; the lies were dispelled. For the first time all day, I felt as though I could breathe freely and walk easy.

Almost giddy with happiness, I stayed up talking until three-thirty, at which point Joshua pulled me aside and quietly asked if we could go for a walk. It was foggy at that ridiculous hour of the morning, but the moon was full, and the hayfield in front of my house was threaded with wisps of silvery light; it was beautiful and breathtakingly cold. We walked and talked; or rather, he walked. I danced and skipped and bounced; I was so full of joy that I could not make myself be calm.

Towards the end of our walk, as we were clambering onto the back porch and preparing to go back inside (though my house was not much warmer than outside), he caught me by the elbow and pulled me into a tight embrace. "I love you," he whispered, so softly I could hardly hear. I didn't think my smile could get any wider; apparently it could. I started to answer, "I love you too," when he pushed me back a bit and looked down at me; he was shaking, and I could feel his heart pounding even through his heavy coat. "And because I love you," he continued, "I want to give you something."

He let me go, slipped his hand into his pocket, and sank down to one knee. My heart turned over, and before he spoke a word my eyes misted over with tears of pure joy. My "Yes," tripped over his "Will you marry me?" and I hugged him and laughed for at least half an hour. We prayed then, thanking God, and headed back inside to tell everyone else.

New Year's Eve held a special place in my heart before; how much more so now! I trust God when He tells me that He has good plans for me; how much more so now!

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out--plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for."

-Jeremiah 29:11, MSG

Not for the first time, I am going to borrow words not my own. When I woke up again at a decent hour on the first of January, 2010, I found a piece of notebook paper left by one of my friends before he went out to watch the sunrise. He closed the short note by saying, "Congratulations; one chapter closes, another begins." I smiled when I read that; it is so true. I look forward to opening this new chapter of my life and watching my life story continue to unfold. I am glad that you all are along for the journey.

God bless.

Running Free

My dead heart now is beating

My deepest stains now clean

Your breath fills up my lungs

Now I'm free

Into marvelous light I'm running

Out of darkness

Out of shame

By the cross

You are the Truth

You are the Life

You are the Way

("Marvelous Light," by Charlie Hall)

"I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free."

-Psalm 119:32, NIV

I sat here for a moment with writer's block, repeating that verse quietly to myself. It was a verse I stumbled upon very early in the year, and without knowing why, I decided to make it my theme verse for 2009. Something about it beckoned me. I could not have named the longings a year ago, but what I yearned for was a heart set free from self-righteousness and legalism. I greatly desired not only to follow God, but to run after Him; to pursue Him with reckless abandon.

The condition of my captive heart was not unknown to me; I knew of the secret wounds and tolerated sins. I knew that these were crippling flaws that would most certainly rear their ugly heads and attempt my destruction at some point. But I did not have the strength to fight them; I had spent what little strength I had fleeing from them. It was only a matter of time until they caught me up.

"The sins of some men are obvious, reaching the place of judgment ahead of them; the sins of others trail behind them."

-1 Timothy 5:24, NIV

I had run from the battle for so long, I knew no other way. God, however, would not tolerate my resignation. He would not permit me to bear the burden, to trudge on alone in determined silence while still under it's weight. So, like Aslan in C. S. Lewis' The Horse and His Boy, He Himself began to chase after me. To be pursued by God is a fearful thing. I ran harder, but my strength at last failed me. I stumbled and fell; my fears caught up with me; the worst was upon me... and He delivered me.

It was painful to allow the removal of the things which hindered me; the only thing I can compare it to is that prickling, tingling, on-fire feeling of circulation returning to a limb that has fallen asleep. My heart had almost ceased to beat; my thumos had nearly dissipated. About to black out in shallow water, instead I broke the surface and drew breath.

God restored my child's heart, and my warrior's spirit. He restored my compassion, and my courage. It happened slowly, and almost took me by surprise... but I marveled at and delighted in it. Now, with restored vigor, I look ahead to the coming year, laugh in Satan's face and say, "Bring it on." And with a grin I lace up my running shoes and set off on the path God has set before me--straight and narrow--my burdens lifted, running free.