All I Can Say

Lord I'm tired

So tired from walking

And Lord I'm so alone

And Lord the dark

Is creeping in

Is creeping up

To swallow me

I think I'll stop

Rest here awhile


And didn't You see me crying?

And didn't You hear me call Your name?

And wasn't it You I gave my heart to?

Wish You'd remember where You sat it down


And this is all

This is all that I can say right now

This is all that I can give

I know it's not much

This is all that I can say right now

This is all that I can give

That's my everything


I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that that was You holding me
I didn't notice You were crying too
I didn't know that that was You washing my feet


("All I Can Say," by David Crowder Band)




Sometimes I just get tired.  It's hard to explain what I mean by that statement.  I just get thoroughly worn out--physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  Every so often (and more frequently of late), I find myself in tired, frustrated, lonely tears.  I pray; I read my Bible.  I find comfort there.  But sometimes it's just not enough.  Sometimes when I pray, words just won't come, and I end up crying again and saying, "God, please..." because I don't know what to ask for.  And sometimes when I read my Bible, I struggle to understand (or I do understand, but I struggle to accept the teaching).

How nice it would be if my days turned to sunshine simply because I remembered my morning devotions and took the time to pray!

In times like these, I usually want one of two things (or sometimes both): A really big hug and some strong encouragement, or some serious solitude, where my soul can be refreshed.  I took a walk the other night and talked with God, wrestling with Him as I struggled to master my heart.  It is usually easy for me to wrap my mind around the things God asks of me; my heart is another matter.  I tried explaining to a friend once:  "Most of the time I'm all right, but sometimes I just feel like telling God, 'That's just too hard!'"

When I was a young Christian, just starting out in my walk with God, I used to pray that God would give me a hard task, one that no one else could do.  And He has done so; I have been consecrated for this single, holy purpose.  I prayed for a hard task; should I be surprised, or angry with God, for answering that prayer?  I am so very grateful for the impetuous, faith-filled prayers that marked the beginning of my walk with God; I will not lie--I think twice now before I pray for something, counting the cost.  Because God does indeed answer prayers; He just doesn't always answer in the way I would like, and He never answers in the way I would expect!  Answered prayers can be painful, at times.

Some people might dismiss these times of spiritual weariness as depression; but it's not that simple.  When Satan has worn away at me like water dripping on a rock, no amount of cheering up is going to soothe the soreness of my soul.  It takes prayer--my prayers, the intercession of my friends, and the intercession of the Holy Spirit.  At all times, I am engaged in spiritual warfare; but sometimes I just need to drop my sword and cry for awhile.  It's not a sin to be sad, nor are tears and pain an indication of faithlessness.  Just take a look at the the story of Job or the psalms of David.  Having been weary with sorrow to the point of death Himself, I know that my Lord knows my pain and aches with me.  When I run into my Father's arms, He catches me and holds me close; He lets me cry myself to sleep in His arms.  When I wake, He bolsters my strength and reminds me of His, as He did for Elijah in the desert.  Only then can I take up my sword again to do battle.

"[The LORD] gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might, He increases strength.  Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young man shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."


-Isaiah 40:29-31, NKJV

I See Christ

(Below is a song written today for a beloved friend, entitled, "I See Christ.")


I see love
Reflected in your eyes
I have called you friend
But you have been
So much more


You have been His outstretched arms
You have been His broken heart
You've been His hands washing my feet
You've been His voice whispering so sweet
I've seen His love shine in your eyes
And when I look at you
I don't see a man
I see Christ


I see grace
Reflected in your life
A comrade brave and true
Just look at you
Strong warrior


You have been His outstretched arms
You have been His broken heart
You've been His hands washing my feet
You've been His voice whispering so sweet
I've seen His love shine through your life
And when I look at you
I don't see a man
I see Christ


Every time you've wiped my tears
Every time you've calmed my fears
Every time I've heard you say,
"I love you and you know I'll pray,"
You help me fight for one more day


You have been His outstretched arms
You have been His broken heart
You've been His hands washing my feet
You've been His voice whispering so sweet
And I know you'd lay down your life
So when I look at you
I don't see a man
I see Christ

Learning to Be a Living Sacrifice

Empty hands held high
Such small sacrifice
If not joined with my life
I sing in vain tonight

Lord, I give my life

A living sacrifice

To reach a world in need

To be Your hands and feet

May the words I say
And the things I do
Make my lifesong sing
Bring a smile to you


Let my lifesong sing to You
Let my lifesong sing to You
I want to sign Your name
To the end of this day
Knowing that my heart was true
Let my lifesong sing to You


Hallelujah, hallelujah
Let my lifesong sing to you


("Lifesong," by Casting Crowns)




"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life--your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life--and place it before God as an offering.  Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him.  Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking.  Instead, fix your attention on God.  You'll be changed from the inside out.  Readily recognize what He wants from you, and quickly respond to it.  Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings out the best of you, develops well formed maturity in you."


-Romans 12:1-2, MSG




I've been back at Mid-Atlantic Christian University for the first two weeks of the fall semester, and it feels good to be back!  It feels like being home.  It's been a crazy two weeks--an intensive course in linguistics, the first week of regular classes, church, volunteering with the church's youth group as a youth leader and member of the worship band--I feel like I've hardly had time to sit down, except in class!  I know the craziness will die down in another week or so as I get back into the swing of things and settle into a regular routine, but with 21 credit hours in addition to everything I want to be a part of outside of classes, I know I will keep very busy!


More than being crazy, though, these two weeks have been packed with spiritual warfare.  Satan attacked me with deep, painful loneliness the very first week.  It seemed strange to me, to be so excited to meet the incoming freshmen, and so overjoyed to see the friends--no, family--I had been separated from all summer, and yet feel so terribly alone.  Nevertheless, loneliness was Satan's weapon of choice, and he used it to his full advantage.  It did not, however, have the effect he was hoping for.  I was discouraged and downcast--yes, there were many tears--but rather than turning me from God, it drove me to Him.


My prayer life has been revived in these first two weeks of school; I am filled with an almost giddy sort of happiness as I type those words.  I have known since I became a Christian five years ago that prayer was the lifeblood of my relationship with my Father God, and when I was a new Christian, I prayed all the time.  I carried my prayer journal everywhere, just in case I had a few moments where I could sit and talk with God.  About two years into my walk, though, prayer became very difficult.  It became more of a task than a talk; my prayers became fewer and farther between as time went on, interspersed with brief periods of revival that never seemed to last.  I knew the power of prayer and understood it, believed in it, and preached it.  Prayer affected great change in my life and in the lives of those around me.  I knew the difference between prayer that was alive and prayer that was just going through the motions.  It's been a very long time since my consistent prayers were more than going through the motions.  Because of the faith-increasing trials of this summer, I have put my heart back into my prayer life.


"Desire gives fervor to prayer.  The soul cannot be listless when some great desire fixes and inflames it.  Strong desires make strong prayers.  The neglect of prayer is the fearful token of dead spiritual desires."


-E. M. Bounds


The one thing I desire
Is just to know You more
To live a life that moves and breathes
And loves to bring You joy
So fill me with a fire
That burns away my doubts and all my fears
Into a place where You are all I hear
It's the one thing I desire
To do what You require
Is the one thing I desire


("I Desire," by Natalie Grant)


My great desire--not just while I am here at school, but always--is to know and love God increasingly, and to love Him and live Him into other people's lives as much as I possibly can, to the best of my ability.  That may sound pretentious, but I do not claim to desire this at all times.  Sometimes my desires are totally selfish.  But in my best moments, when I am surrendering to God, this is ALL I want.

Often, and especially in the past two weeks, this desire leads me to do things that are beyond the scope of my abilities, like taking so many classes or doing lead vocals and playing guitar for the youth worship band, when I only just learned to play and can only play a handful of songs!  But an excerpt from my prayer journal yesterday morning illustrates my thoughts on that matter:

"I feel as though I am in a little over my head, here.  But that's okay, because it means that I have to depend on You to get me through."

I don't have a whole lot to offer; but I can offer all of what I do have.  I may not be the smartest, but I can devote all my mental faculties to learning the material for these courses at school.  I may not be the most organized, but I can discipline myself to being orderly, getting things done on time, and being where I'm supposed to be when I'm supposed to be there.  I may not know everything there is to know about Scripture, nor do I always apply it, but I can share and teach what I do know, and I can study daily to learn and apply even more.  I may not be the best musician, but I can make a concerted effort to push myself and learn to play, and if what little ability I have gained thus far is useful to God, then who am I to argue?  I wonder if the widow doubted herself before she gave her mite?

Little is much when God's in it
And no one can fathom the plans He holds
Little is much when God's in it
He changes the world with the seeds we sow
Little is much


("Little Is Much," by Downhere)

If God's purpose this summer was to increase my faith, and show me that nothing is impossible for Him, then I would have to conclude from my observations thus far that this semester His purpose is going to be teaching me to live out that faith--not just in the obvious ways, such as my missionary training here at school, my church involvement, and my personal devotional life, but also in the inconspicuous ways that no one would notice... in the ways that I myself might not even notice!

I may never know the impact I have on others; the little things I say and do may go no farther than myself, or they may create a ripple effect, with consequences that reach far beyond myself, my circle of friends, my school, or my community.  Keeping this uncertainty in mind, I realize that I always need to be mindful of my words and actions.  Every act is an act of worship; but not every act honors God.  Some of my actions demonstrate my worship of self, or my worship of others, or my worship of security.  It is difficult to wrap my brain around the concept of offering even the smallest details of my life to God as an offering, but it is not a hard concept to wrap my heart around.  God cares about small details; He even knows the number of hairs on my head.  Why shouldn't He care about the minute details that make up my person and character?

Change my heart, O God
Make it ever true
Change my heart, O God
May I be like You


You are the Potter
I am the clay
Mold me and make me
This is what I pray


("Change My Heart, O God," by Eddie Espinosa)


I look forward to seeing what God has in store for me as He builds my identity and integrity this semester in a way that pleases Him.