One Life to Love

Teach me to number my days
Count every moment
Before it slips away
Take in all the colors
Before they fade to gray
I don't want to miss
Even just a second
More of of this


It happens in a blink
It happens in a flash
It happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight
But there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life?
It happens in a blink


When it's all said and done
No one remembers 
How far we have run
The only thing that matters
Is how we have loved
I don't want to miss
Even just a second
More of this


Slow down, slow down
Before today becomes our yesterday
Slow down, slow down
Before you turn around and it's too late


("Blink," by Revive)



Ah... what to say?  What to say?  I am at a loss for words.  I have cried so much.  My head is throbbing, and there is an ache in my chest that will not go away.  One of my dear friends, Jonathan Schipper, who is like a brother to me, was shot and killed in the MACU dormitory on Sunday afternoon by another student.  The last time I saw Jon, I told him that I loved him, but I didn't let him give me a hug goodnight.  Oh, oh, how I wish I had.  How I wish I could go back, and hold him close.  But life doesn't work that way.  There is no rewind button.

Rumors are flying.  Cameras and reporters are on campus.  I would like to punch a few people in the face.  Shut up.  Go away.  Leave us in peace.  These are things I would like to say... but I don't.  Today I walked down to East Campus, to the Ebenezer Stone.  "Thus far has the LORD helped us," the inscription reads.  Jon loved to walk down there; it was where he talked with God, and did battle with Satan, on behalf of his family, his friends and his school.  I walked down there to be alone, to cry, and to say, "Love you, miss you, see you."  Schipper never said goodbye, and he hated to hear those words from anyone else.  It was always, "Love you,  miss you, see you."  And we will.

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times, I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you?


I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is
Then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through, somehow?
I've never been more homesick than now


Help me, Lord, 'cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why, I wonder if I'll ever know?
But even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
'Cause I'm still here so far away from home


In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold on to Jesus with all that I have
To see you again


("Homesick," by MercyMe)


To live is Christ... to die is gain.  And I'm torn between the two.  Our loss is Jon's gain; I know he's looking down at me and growling at me the way he used to whenever I was upset... Chin up, darlin'.  I rejoiced with laughter when it dawned on me for the first time, that Jon not only got to meet his Maker on Sunday afternoon, but also his two siblings, whom he loved very dearly.  What a happy reunion that must have been!  He is well remembered; I spent the afternoon and evening with our closest friends; we took turns talking about his quirks, telling stories and jokes on him like we always have--Schipper loved it when we joked on him about his puns, or about being an "old man."  He lived vicariously through Wolverine, the character from the X-Men comics. We've had plenty of laughs imagining that when Peter met Jon at the gate with his crown, Jon said, "I'll pass on the crown; I'd rather have the claws."  Ah... Logan... how I love you.

We have more of Jon than mere memories, though.  We have his legacy.  He had great love and passion for children yet to be born; that passion led him to encourage a friend to have her baby despite severe health risks, and all advice to the contrary from doctors.  She decided not to heed their advice, but to listen to Jon and trust in God.  Doctors are now eating their words.  A child will be a born because of Jonathan Schipper; for that, I cry happy tears.

Jon loved to get us all together to pray; on Sunday night, after we learned of his death, the entire student body gathered in the chapel to pray.  MACU alumni in forty-five states and thirteen countries were praying with us.  Sister schools and churches all over the world were praying with us.  We are all praying, still.  I'm sure he is very pleased with himself.  I laughed out loud when I first thought of that, leaned over and whispered it to another friend, who also laughed out loud before wrapping his arms around me and telling me that he would pretend I was crying, so people wouldn't judge me.  I laughed harder--who cares what people think?  Schipper never did.

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to you enough to make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace 
Who blessed Your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy


("Legacy," Nichole Nordeman)


They called for open mic during the prayer service, so people could share a memory, a verse, a thought, or a prayer if they so chose.  All those who shared memories spoke of the love they could see in Schipper.  He made a point of saying hello to everyone he knew, whenever he saw them.  When Schipper asked how you were doing, he meant for you to tell him--he wouldn't be put off by a casual, "I'm fine."  He got to know a lot of the freshmen, this year.  He wanted to know them; he wanted them to feel like a part of the MACU family. Jon used to talk to me about his warrior spirit; I used to tell him he was a lover, not a fighter.  I now believe he is both.  He fought to love, and he fought for those he loved in prayer.  I know he did battle with Satan on my behalf this summer, when I was struggling with the sin of hatred and a spirit of unforgiveness.  Oh... how he loved.


You only get just one time around
You only get one shot at this
One chance to find out
The one thing that you don't want to miss
One day when it's all said and done
I hope you see that it was enough
This one ride
One try
One life to love


("One Life to Love," by 33 Miles)


When I went down to the Ebenezer Stone today, I talked with Jon for just a little while; I felt that I had a few things to say:

"Logan... you know I hate making promises, and that I don't make promises I can't keep.  But I promise I'll keep my chin up.  I promise I won't give up.  I promise I'll press forward, and do what God has called me to do.  And I promise I will love."


"Be alert.  Continue strong in the faith.  Have courage, and be strong.  Do everything in love."


-1 Corinthians 16:13-14, NCV




(I request that readers be in prayer for Mid-Atlantic Christian University, for the Schipper family, for the family of the other student involved, and for those who were close to both students.  Pray for truth, love, and peace.  God bless.)

All I Can Say

Lord I'm tired

So tired from walking

And Lord I'm so alone

And Lord the dark

Is creeping in

Is creeping up

To swallow me

I think I'll stop

Rest here awhile


And didn't You see me crying?

And didn't You hear me call Your name?

And wasn't it You I gave my heart to?

Wish You'd remember where You sat it down


And this is all

This is all that I can say right now

This is all that I can give

I know it's not much

This is all that I can say right now

This is all that I can give

That's my everything


I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that that was You holding me
I didn't notice You were crying too
I didn't know that that was You washing my feet


("All I Can Say," by David Crowder Band)




Sometimes I just get tired.  It's hard to explain what I mean by that statement.  I just get thoroughly worn out--physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  Every so often (and more frequently of late), I find myself in tired, frustrated, lonely tears.  I pray; I read my Bible.  I find comfort there.  But sometimes it's just not enough.  Sometimes when I pray, words just won't come, and I end up crying again and saying, "God, please..." because I don't know what to ask for.  And sometimes when I read my Bible, I struggle to understand (or I do understand, but I struggle to accept the teaching).

How nice it would be if my days turned to sunshine simply because I remembered my morning devotions and took the time to pray!

In times like these, I usually want one of two things (or sometimes both): A really big hug and some strong encouragement, or some serious solitude, where my soul can be refreshed.  I took a walk the other night and talked with God, wrestling with Him as I struggled to master my heart.  It is usually easy for me to wrap my mind around the things God asks of me; my heart is another matter.  I tried explaining to a friend once:  "Most of the time I'm all right, but sometimes I just feel like telling God, 'That's just too hard!'"

When I was a young Christian, just starting out in my walk with God, I used to pray that God would give me a hard task, one that no one else could do.  And He has done so; I have been consecrated for this single, holy purpose.  I prayed for a hard task; should I be surprised, or angry with God, for answering that prayer?  I am so very grateful for the impetuous, faith-filled prayers that marked the beginning of my walk with God; I will not lie--I think twice now before I pray for something, counting the cost.  Because God does indeed answer prayers; He just doesn't always answer in the way I would like, and He never answers in the way I would expect!  Answered prayers can be painful, at times.

Some people might dismiss these times of spiritual weariness as depression; but it's not that simple.  When Satan has worn away at me like water dripping on a rock, no amount of cheering up is going to soothe the soreness of my soul.  It takes prayer--my prayers, the intercession of my friends, and the intercession of the Holy Spirit.  At all times, I am engaged in spiritual warfare; but sometimes I just need to drop my sword and cry for awhile.  It's not a sin to be sad, nor are tears and pain an indication of faithlessness.  Just take a look at the the story of Job or the psalms of David.  Having been weary with sorrow to the point of death Himself, I know that my Lord knows my pain and aches with me.  When I run into my Father's arms, He catches me and holds me close; He lets me cry myself to sleep in His arms.  When I wake, He bolsters my strength and reminds me of His, as He did for Elijah in the desert.  Only then can I take up my sword again to do battle.

"[The LORD] gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might, He increases strength.  Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young man shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."


-Isaiah 40:29-31, NKJV

I See Christ

(Below is a song written today for a beloved friend, entitled, "I See Christ.")


I see love
Reflected in your eyes
I have called you friend
But you have been
So much more


You have been His outstretched arms
You have been His broken heart
You've been His hands washing my feet
You've been His voice whispering so sweet
I've seen His love shine in your eyes
And when I look at you
I don't see a man
I see Christ


I see grace
Reflected in your life
A comrade brave and true
Just look at you
Strong warrior


You have been His outstretched arms
You have been His broken heart
You've been His hands washing my feet
You've been His voice whispering so sweet
I've seen His love shine through your life
And when I look at you
I don't see a man
I see Christ


Every time you've wiped my tears
Every time you've calmed my fears
Every time I've heard you say,
"I love you and you know I'll pray,"
You help me fight for one more day


You have been His outstretched arms
You have been His broken heart
You've been His hands washing my feet
You've been His voice whispering so sweet
And I know you'd lay down your life
So when I look at you
I don't see a man
I see Christ