Holistic Faith

You are everything that I live for

Everything that I can't believe is happening

You're standing right in front of me with arms wide open

Every day is filled with hope

'Cause You are everything that I breathe for

And I can't help but breathe You in

And breathe again

Feeling all this life within

Every single beat of my heart

You are everything

("You Are Everything," by Matthew West)

The word "holistic" is an adjective which emphasizes the importance of the whole and the interdependence of its parts, according to the online dictionary.  So what does it mean, then, to have a holistic faith?

This is a question I have been wrestling with for as long as I can remember.   Before becoming a Christian, and early in my Christian walk, I believed that in order to be a good Christian, one had to spend the majority of one's time practicing such spiritual disciplines as prayer, meditation and study, so that one might totally devote one's thoughts and attention to God at all times, as He deserved.  But even this, it seemed, was not enough.  If following Christ literally meant that I was to deny myself, take up my cross, and follow Him, then how could I confine Him to just a few portions of my day--morning and evening--when I read my Bible and prayed?  I knew, in the deepest way of knowing, that there had to be more to it than that.  

This question led me to read such books as "The Practice of the Presence of God," by Brother Lawrence, a lay brother of the Barefoot Carmelite Priory in Paris, France.  I would recommend this book to anyone looking to grow in their attention to and focus on God.  It was said that Brother Lawrence believed that "it was a great delusion to think that the times of prayer ought to differ from other times; that we are as strictly obliged to adhere to God by action in the time of action as by prayer in the season of prayer."  Brother Lawrence himself wrote:

"Men invent means and methods of coming at God's love, they learn rules and set up devices to remind them of that love, and it seems like a world of trouble to bring oneself into the consciousness of God.  Yet it might be so simple.  Is it not quicker and easier just to do our common business wholly for the love of Him?"  

I was reminded of this book, and quotes such as these, when consideration of the question--What is holistic faith?--came up again this week.  I could sum up my understanding of holistic faith with three simple words:  Life is ministry.  However, I am aware of the fact that this three word summary will require a little bit of explanation.  Most people's first reaction to that statement is, "Oh, of course it is, I mean... of course."  But let me encourage anyone who reads this to carefully digest that statement.  Do you consider your life--your entire life as a Christian--to be your ministry?

Human beings define most objects, events, or experiences as profane, from the Latin, meaning "outside the temple", that which people define as an ordinary element of everyday life.  But we also view some things as sacred, that which people set apart as extraordinary, inspiring awe and reverence (Macionis, "Sociology").  This is true of both Christian and non-Christian people, and it is also true across cultures--regardless of their religious background or where they grew up, most people draw a distinct line between the profane and sacred elements of life.

This is why it is so easy to relegate our faith to just a certain day or days of the week (Sunday and Wednesday, for most of us), and hardly give a thought to it at other times.  This is why it is so easy to devote our attention to God during a worship service or a time of prayer, but so hard at other times.  However, this is a natural tendency that Christians need to pit themselves against, and strive to overcome.

There can be no compartmentalization of a life wholly devoted to God.

Christ has called us to more than church services and Sunday school.  He has called us to more than times of musical worship and prayer.  He has called us to more than the Lord's Supper.  He has called us to more than church programs, youth conferences, and mission trips.  The measure of the Christian life does not lie in the number of sacred practices and activities in which we participate, as opposed to those that are profane.  Please do not misunderstand me; all of the things I listed above are good things--things that a Christian ought to participate in and practice.  However, these things are only a very small part of a much bigger picture.  Let's take a look at scripture:

"So here is what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life--your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life--and place it before God as an offering."  (Romans 12:1, MSG)

The measure of the Christian life lies in the understanding that, for the Christian, the profane has been sanctified, and has become sacred.  We are called to live out our ordinary lives in the world with the extraordinary purpose of embracing and advancing the gospel of God.  Permit me to ask you to consider several questions, which I have recently been reconsidering, myself:

Am I a minister within my own family?

Am I a minister amongst my peers?

Am I a minister in my workplace?

Do I consider my daily interactions with family, friends and coworkers to be ministry opportunities?

Do I live out my faith on a moment-by-moment basis, every day?

These are hard and convicting questions, and when I first began to consider them, the answer to most of them was no.  I used to believe that ministry was something that missionaries and pastors did; I used to believe that lay people within a congregation were only doing ministry if they volunteered within the church or with non-profit organizations.  However, I have since come to the realization that ministry is simply loving and serving people, wherever they may be found, and whatever my relationship to them may be.

When I clean house so that my mother can sleep, I am serving her, demonstrating love to her, and ministering to her.  When I listen to a hurting friend and offer comfort and encouragement, I am loving and ministering to him.  When I offer to cover a coworker's shift because she isn't feeling well and would like to go home, I am serving and ministering to her.

I know that these things sound ridiculously simple, and that they might be hard to recognize as ministry, at first glance.  We're so used to seeing ministry as something big--a worship service with awesome music that helps people to feel close to God and experience His presence, a sermon that brings a congregation to its feet, a youth group building houses for Habitat for Humanity or collecting cases of bottled water to send to the victims of a natural disaster, a missionary team planting a church in a country where Christianity is persecuted--that it's often difficult to realize that ministry is also something small.

"I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble."  -Helen Keller

Ministry is also going out for coffee with a friend and talking about what God is doing in her life and encouraging her as she goes through a confusing and somewhat frustrating period of spiritual growth.  Ministry is also stopping to talk to the homeless guy on the corner as you drive home from work everyday and ask him about his day, and offering to drive him to McDonald's and buy him lunch on a particularly cold and rainy day, even though you're a woman and alone and don't know the guy from Adam.  Ministry is also striking up a conversation with a coworker when the night shift is slow and asking about what's going on in his life, and talking with him about religion, Jesus, church, and the Bible.

This kind of ministry is not easy.  It's not easy, because it's 24/7, and it involves people you have to interact with on a daily basis.  It's inconvenient, tiring, messy and uncomfortable.  However, this is the kind of ministry a holistic faith demands.

"Let every detail in your lives--words, actions, whatever--be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way."  (Colossians 3:17, MSG)

I'm still working on this; there are days when the conviction that my entire life is ministry seems overwhelming and impossible to live up to.  I am often tempted to retreat back into my safe little compartmentalized world, where I feel pretty good if I've put in my time at the church building for the week, given my tithe, served by stacking up the chairs in the sanctuary after church service, and prayed six out of seven mornings this week.  But I know that I am called to so much more.

Holistic faith may not be easy.  It may not be understood by others.  It may not always be rewarding.  But it is the faith that Jesus, to whom we say, "Lord, Lord!", has called us to to live out.

"Then [Jesus] said to them all: 'Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.'"  (Luke 9:23, NIV)

Summer

"It is easy to love the people far away.  It is not always easy to love those close to us.  It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved in our own home.  Bring love into your home, for this is where our love for each other must start."  -Mother Teresa


God has spent the whole of my Christian life teaching me about the value of relationships.  Relationships are the medium through which God chooses to portray His love.  By loving one another, Christians demonstrate the love of God.  I have learned much about loving my brothers and sisters, and loving the lost--these teachings ring in our ears every Sunday.  But I have also begun to learn how essential it is to demonstrate that love at home.

Summer has brought me home again.  It is interesting to watch God's plans take shape; interesting, and not always comfortable.  Last year, I had hoped I would be spending this summer in Israel.  In January, I had hoped I would spend my summer traveling and working with the National Missionary Convention's summer team.  However, shortly after mailing in my applications, God began to impress upon me that it was His will and desire for me to spend the summer at home, in order to build and strengthen my relationship with my family.  While I waited for word on my applications, I wrestled with God and submitted my will to His.  Whatever He desired, I was willing to do.  By the time I received the final word on those applications, the decision to go home was already made.

So here I am.  What exactly am I doing here?

Yes, I want to catch up with old friends, and maybe make a few new ones.  Yes, I want to get to a job.  But those things are not my priority.  You see, I've only been home for a week, but preparations to come home began months ago.  I've been praying for God to give me the wisdom, strength and courage to love and serve my family well.  My family is my priority, this summer.

Every family has it's difficulties and struggles--that's no secret.  Love is often hardest to express within one's own family, where personality differences and miscommunication can make conflict frequent.  But family is also a place where love can be learned, and grown.  My family isn't perfect; neither am I.  Nevertheless, I know that God will use this summer to grow all of us and knit us together in love.

My summer may not appear to be full of great purpose, but it is full of God's purpose.  And that is more than enough for me.

Beautiful Things

All this pain
I wonder if I'll ever find my way?
I wonder if my life could really change at all?
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come up from this ground at all?


You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us


All around 
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You


You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us


("Beautiful Things," by Gungor)


Beauty.

As I was reading over the posts I've written in the past year, a pattern emerged, like a symphony that begins softly and rises to a thundering crescendo.  Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride.  There will be beauty from pain.  On the road to beautiful, the seasons always change.  These songs have meant so much to me, this school year.  They have comforted my aching heart and given hope and refreshment to my weary soul.  How much more they mean to me, now!  God really does make beautiful things out of the chaos and dust of human lives.

Change is painful; often unbearably so.  There have been a lot of enormous changes in my life this year--forgiving my father, breaking my engagement, dealing with the death of beloved friend and brother, battling depression, struggling with my calling and with the concept of grace.  Consequently, there has been an enormous amount of pain in my life this year.  At times, it did seem unbearable.  My heart was broken; the pieces scattered.  And even now that I've begun to pick up the pieces, it seems so incredibly weak and fragile--riddled with fractures and soft spots.  Irrational thoughts and fears linger, and it often seems that my confidence is shattered.  However...

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted, and He saves the crushed in spirit."  (Psalm 34:18, ESV)

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."  (Psalm 147:3, ESV)

God has been very tender and gentle with me; He is a loving Father.  Under the care of the Great Physician, I have begun to mend.  But it will never cease to amaze me, nor will I ever cease to wonder, why God chooses to work through so fragile and fallible a medium as the human life, particularly mine.  I ask with the Psalmist:

"What is man that You are mindful of him, and the son of man, that You care for him?"  (Psalm 8:4, ESV)

When I sat down to write today, I was at a loss for words.  My mind snatched aimlessly at my swirling thoughts, and as I pondered I begun to hum Gungor's Beautiful Things.  And as I mulled the lyrics over, a snatch of scripture flitted across my mind.  I sought the passage where the familiar phrase was located, and found this:

"We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure.  This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.  We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed.  We are perplexed, but not driven to despair.  We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God.  We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.  Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies."  (2 Corinthians 4:7-10, NLT)

I used to believe that understanding the purpose behind one's pain would help it to subside.  I now know that pain with a purpose is still pain.  However, that does not make the purpose any less glorious.  My human life is a fragile clay jar, but I have the indwelling presence of God, and the gospel of Jesus Christ blazes like a beacon in my soul:

For a short time, the Creator of the world took on the frail terra-cotta mantle of humanity, with all the sweat and blood and tears contained therein.  He was intimately acquainted with every form of temptation, and He knew the full intensity of both physical and psychological pain.  He lived a perfect, sinless life.  He then assumed the guilt of all mankind and endured the full wrath of God.  The Son endured death--separation from God, His Father, from whom He had never been separate--in order to satisfy that wrath.  He did all this, and was gloriously raised and restored to perfect union with the Godhead, in order that mankind might be reconciled to God.  Having done all this, He entrusted the task of spreading and sharing this glorious good news... to us.  To fragile clay jars.  To dust.   This is the message God compels me to proclaim with my life.

It is unfathomable; ridiculous--laughable, even.  But is also true.  And incredibly, achingly beautiful.

God has striven mightily to impress upon me the meaning of beauty.  I have seen it in smiles and laughter.  I have seen it in bitterness and pain.  I have found it solitude, and in relationships.  I have found it in growth and in setbacks.  And it has surprised me over and over again in myself.  Beauty is found in the God-fashioned life.

I have often looked back on this season of my life; now, I look forward to the next.  Changes are imminent, and inevitable.  I've finished off my sophomore year of college.  Beloved friends are scattering across the country--and the globe--for the summer.  Some are graduating.  Many are getting married.  And I am going home, to build up and strengthen my relationship with my family, to reconnect and fellowship with old friends, to build relationships with the lost, and to grow immeasurably in the love and grace of God.  I look forward to rest and refreshment; I look forward to the challenges I will face.  Most of all, I look forward to the astonishing beauty God is working out in my life, and all around me.

He  makes beautiful things.

Walking in the Truth

"How many people should I tell about God and His word?"
"Everyone you know, and everyone you'll ever meet."
"Okay... but how do I do that?"
"Well, you start by building relationships with people."
"How?"
"Do you know how to be a good friend?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, well, it's like that, only it's more than just hanging out.  The point is to get to know them, and help them get to know Jesus, and then to help them become more like Him."
"But I don't know where to start."
"Neither do I, bud, but I am learning, and I will help you to learn with me.  One thing that we can both do is pray for God to send us someone to be friends with and talk to about Him."



The above conversation is a series of text messages between a seventh-grader and his youth minister.  It's one of those once-in-a-lifetime conversations, a question out of the blue, from a kid who really wants to know--Just how many people should I tell about Jesus, and how do I go about it?  I was laughing for joy as I read these messages, and wracking my brain for a way to help the minister answer his poignant questions.

Watching and helping a group of middle and high school students learn about the life of Christ has been an extremely powerful and rewarding experience.  I have watched them learn that Jesus didn't come to be popular or powerful, that He hung around with people most Christians wouldn't be caught dead with, and that He called ordinary people like you and me to follow Him, and to do even greater things than He did.  In other words, these kids have been learning that being a Christian means being like Jesus, and being like Jesus doesn't mean behaving yourself and going to church on Sunday mornings.  They're learning that Jesus was completely radical... and they're beginning to want to be just like Him.

I love watching people, especially young people, grow in their knowledge of the truth.  Truth changes people, and I can see Jesus--the Way, the Truth, and the Life--working in this young man's heart to change him and transform him into the likeness of Christ.  This kid has learned the truth, and now he wants to learn how to walk in it.  I want to help teach him, and I hope I get to see the results; I have no greater joy than to see a young person walking in the truth.

God is awesome.

Beauty From Pain

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything


("Hurt," by Nine Inch Nails)


In the past, I have been guilty of writing in an attempt to please or convict my readers.  Today, however, I repent of that arrogance; I write this post as a reminder to myself.  There are some things which should not be forgotten; some things are too precious to lose.  My life is one of those things.  Christ raised me from the dead--for I was dead in my transgressions and sins--five and a half years ago.  And for five and a half years, Satan and his hit-men have been bent on murdering me.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.  I came that they may have life and have it abundantly."  (John 10:10, ESV)


From August to November of 2010, my life descended into what I can only call the Valley of the Shadow of Death.  I was consumed by deep, dark depression.  It began as an aching loneliness that would not be dispelled; I felt isolated even in the midst of my closest friends.  Accusations from my Enemy flew fast and thick, and I did not even recognize them; I hung my head in shame and believed the Father of Lies.  My thoughts were confused; though I knew my depression was irrational, I suffered from the inability to carry a continuous train of thought to its logical conclusion.  I began to dread each morning, when I would be required to put on at least the semblance of life and go through the motions of the day.  I grew to fear the fleeting moments of happiness I experienced, because I knew that they would not last, and then my despair would be even blacker than before.

I became angry with God; I was doing all that He required of me.  Even in the depths of this oppression, I prayed.  I studied His word.  I served His people.  When I prayed, I would plead for deliverance, and there seemed to be no answer.  When I read my Bible, to my dismay, I found none of the familiar hope and comfort.  Often, I would lay my pen down on my half-finished journal entry, sobs wracking my body, and turn off the lights in my dorm room and wait for sleep to take away my pain for just a little while.

In the darkest, loneliest, most hopeless hours of that season, I turned to a pin, a needle, or even a thumbtack; the sharp pricking of the palms of my hands--that physical pain--somehow numbed the deep anguish of my heart and soul.  I was terrified of the "last resort" of self-harm; I hated it.  I confessed to a friend immediately, and sought help.  I knew that my Enemy was devouring me, and I didn't know how to escape.

One night, I penned a desperate prayer, begging God to rescue me--or at least answer me--as I cried before Him, unable even to form coherent sentences.  I resolved to lie quietly in the dark until He did so.  I lay in bed for what seemed like hours, tears still streaming down my cheeks, before a snatch of a song began to play in my head.  I fixed all of my attention on that thought, clinging to it the way a drowning man would cling to a life preserver:

When the rain's blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I would offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel My love


When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel My love


I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
There's no doubt in My mind where you belong


I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel My Love


The storms are raging on a rolling sea
And down the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like Me yet


There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you happy, make your dreams come true
To make you feel My love


("To Make You Feel My Love," by Garth Brooks)


I wept at the words as scenes and images I recalled from The Passion of the Christ flitted across my mind.  My Savior was cradling and comforting me; He was speaking tenderly to me--whispering, I love you, I love you, I love you--and soothing my wounded soul.  The weight of oppression was immediately lessened by this simple yet profound reminder of the depth and breadth of God's love for me.  I realize now that there is no pain without purpose in the life of a believer; though that season of my life was the darkest I have yet experienced, it served as the catalyst for the most intense period of spiritual growth I have yet experienced.  God wanted to get at and work on some of the deepest parts of my soul; He turned the oppression that Satan meant for evil and used it to accomplish that great good.

My growth continues, and lessons learned in the Valley of the Shadow of Death are serving their purpose even now.  God has been revealing to me, at various times and in various ways--through scripture, through books picked up "by chance", through conversations with friends and strangers--about the unconditional nature of His love and grace, which is so hard for me to accept.  God is developing in me a healthy self-image and self-love, and is filling me with a deep passion for my purpose.  I am grateful for the fullness of life to which He has called me, and in which I am learning to live in freedom and joy.

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There will be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there will be beauty from pain


("Beauty From Pain," by Superchick)


"I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free."  (Psalm 119:32, NIV)

May God Bless You

(Below is a Franciscan Benediction excerpted from Richard Stearns' "The Hole in Our Gospel.")


May God bless you with a restless discomfort about easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may seek truth boldly and love deep within your heart.

May God bless you with holy anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may tirelessly work for justice, freedom and peace among all people.

May God bless you with the gift of tears to shed with those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, or the loss of all they cherish, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and transform their pain into joy.

May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you really can make a difference in this world, so that you are able, with God's grace, to do what others claim cannot be done.

And the blessing of God the Supreme Majesty and our Creator, Jesus Christ the Incarnate Word Who is our Brother and Savior, and the Holy Spirit, our Advocate and guide, be with you and remain with you, this day and forevermore.

Amen.

Elijah and Elisha: Elijah

(Below is a letter I recently sent to a dear friend.  Portions have been edited/omitted for privacy's sake.)

Dear Elisha,

You are a beautiful person; a true servant of God.  Your letter was truly a delight to me; I loved my break, and I love being back here at school, but plenty of hard things have happened since I have been gone, and your letter lifted my spirits in the best way possible.

"I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth."  (3 John 1:4, ESV)

God has impeccable timing.  Just yesterday, when it seems that your letter was already on its way, I was experiencing severe self-doubt.  I was wondering if I really have any impact or influence at all, or if I just stubbornly and pridefully think so.  Satan was whispering his masterful lies and heavy accusations all day and all night long.  "Your standards and expectations are too high; the things you want to enable others to accomplish are impossible; you have compromised your integrity too many times; you are no longer an effective servant of God; you are weaker now than you have ever been."  I prayed that God would help me to discern the truth and reject the lies, and then your letter came, reminding me of the way God's power is made perfect in human weakness, and of the great things God has worked in your life through me.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer once said, "To be called to a life of extraordinary quality, to live up to it, and yet remain unconscious of it, is indeed a narrow way."  I am trying my best to walk that narrow way.  Oh, Elisha, you have no idea what balm your words were to the seething wounds of my heart!  I laughed for sheer joy as I read them, and I am crying now.  I love you.

I too have been feeling a shift fast approaching our relationship; it has already happened, in many ways--we just haven't put it into words.  It pains me, but it is the good kind of pain.  Just last night, I was telling my boyfriend how much joy it gave me to know that you stopped following me a long time ago, and ran after Christ with reckless abandon.  As John the Baptist would say:

"He must become greater; I must become less."  (John 3:30, NIV)  

I will always love you.  I will always be there to encourage and help you, if I can.  But He has taken you out of my hands, and it is beautiful to see.

I pray that God will fill your heart with dreams, and that faith gives you the courage to dare to do great things.  I'm here for you, whatever this life brings.  So, let my love give you roots, and help you find your wings.  I have had the very great privilege of coming alongside you in your journey with God; I too am sad that this chapter is closing, but, "there's room for a little more" to be written, as Frodo said to Samwise before he sailed away.  I recently began rereading John C. Maxwell's book, "Becoming a Person of Influence."  I have included a quote below:

"The highest level of influence you can have in others' lives is the multiplication level.  As a multiplying influencer, you help people you're influencing to become positive influencers in the lives of others and pass on not only what they have received from you, but also what they have learned and gleaned on their own." (pg. 8)

By God's grace, things have come full circle.  I have accomplished the work He gave me to do in your life, and even more besides.  You no longer need me; you have outgrown me.  And that, precious one, was the goal all along.  I praise God that He enabled me to do right by you, and pour much of myself into you.  It was a worthy investment.  You are going to accomplish great things for the kingdom of God.  I prayed, dear one, at the very start of all this, that if God's whole purpose for my life was only to influence you, then that would be enough for me.  I promise you, it is more than enough.

I have recently begun to be convicted of the need to find another to mentor and disciple; I was overjoyed to hear of your desire to do the same.  Just as the investment I have in you will reap heavenly dividends I may never know of until God calls me home, so will your investment in another.  Be patient.  Remain passionate.  Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.  There is nothing written here that you do not know already, but it is good to be reminded.

"For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love.  For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.  For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins.  Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to make your calling and election sure, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall.  For in this way there will be richly provided for you an entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Therefore I intend to remind you of these qualities, though you know them and are established in the truth that you have.  I think it right, as long as I am in this body, to stir you up by way of reminder."  (2 Peter 1:5-13, ESV)

Expect times of testing, but do not lose heart.  We must go through the valley to stand upon the mountain of God.  Sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes with the morning.

All that being said, I love you.  You are very near to my heart, and are continually in my prayers.  Let me know what you need, and I will stand in the gap on your behalf, anytime.  I know you will continue to have great need of prayer.  

I want you to know that I know what you mean when you say that every day seems to be so long, yet time seems to pass so quickly.  I have felt that time is rushing by; I have wanted desperately for it to slow down.  It happens in a blink, in a flash, in the time it takes to look back.  I try to hold on tight, but there's no stopping time.  But I don't have to wonder what I have done with my life, because of you.  You are my legacy; my letter of recommendation, and my testimony.  If I have left an indelible mark upon you, then you have left a greater one upon me.

"You yourselves are our letter of recommendation, written on our hearts, to be known and read by all.  And you show that you are a letter from Christ delivered by us, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts."  (2 Corinthians 3:2-3, ESV)

"We give thanks to God our Father for all of you, constantly mentioning you in our prayers, remembering before our God and Father your work of faith and labor of love and steadfastness of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.  For we know, brothers, loved by God, that He has chosen you, because our gospel came to you not only in word, but also in power and in the Holy Spirit and with full conviction.  You know what kind of men we proved to be among you for your sake.  And you became imitators of us and of the Lord, for you received the word in much affliction, with the joy of the Holy Spirit."  (2 Thessalonians 1:2-6, ESV)

"For we never came with words of flattery, as you know, nor with a pretext for greed--God is witness.  Nor did we seek glory from people, whether from you or from others, though we could have made demands as apostles of Christ.  But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children.  So being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us."  (2 Thessalonians 2:5-8, ESV)

The spring break trip is coming up, and I am full of excitement.  There is deep joy in this anticipation.  It will only be five days, but it will be a taste of the rest of my life.  A chapter of my life is drawing to a close, and a new one is opening.  Plans for the summer are underway; it will be a unique growing and stretching experience, and I can hardly wait.  I am counting the cost of a life with Christ more now than I ever have.  I will not lie; I am afraid of what it will mean to live the life to which I am called.  If it doesn't break your heart, it isn't love.  But like Jephthah, I will keep my vow.  I will pay the price willingly, however painful it may be.  I have wept and prayed over it, and begged for security and guarantees.  But Aslan is not a tame lion; He makes no such promises.  I must walk by faith alone, and trust that whatever pain may come is for my good, or His.

What wonders God hath wrought!  He makes beautiful things out of dust; He makes beautiful things out of us.  A kaleidoscope is broken glass that makes a pretty picture when the pieces fall.  I wish that they could stay the same, but just one turn rearranges it all.  And it's still beautiful.  We have walked through valleys together, and we have ascended mountain heights.  We are completely changed, yet more of ourselves than we ever were.  And what we will be has not yet been made known.  I can hardly wait to see what God will do with you, beloved.  

"Beloved, we are God's children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when He appears we shall be like Him, because we shall see Him as He is."  (1 John 3:2, ESV)

I am grateful beyond measure for your loving encouragement and prayers.  They mean so much to me.  You mean so much to me.  I feel God doing a new work in me this semester; my ears are tingling with His words.  He has put the heart back into me, and I think that I am quite ready for another adventure.

"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Jesus Christ has made me His own.  Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own.  But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Jesus Christ."  (Philippians 3:12-14, ESV)

God is faithful even when we are faithless, and He gives us strength for every stride.  I am overjoyed by the blessing of your friendship and fellowship, which is a constant source of encouragement and renewal for me.  I pray that I will continue to be the same for you.  Our relationship will grow and change as we do, but our love for each other will never change, because it is anchored in our common faith and love for God.  

"A threefold cord is not quickly broken."  (Ecclesiastes 4:12b, ESV)

God is so good; mercy, love and undying patience are poured out daily as His heart aches to bring us home, and as we yearn for him with similar longing.  

I want to close this letter with an expression of love, but I find no adequate words.

"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith, be courageous; be strong.  Do everything in love."  (1 Corinthians 16:13-14, NIV)

Love Beyond Reason, 

Elijah

"I thank God whom I serve, as did my ancestors, with a clear conscience, as I remember you constantly in my prayers night and day.  As I remember your tears, I long to see you, that I may be filled with joy.  I am reminded of your sincere faith, a faith that dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice and now, I am sure, dwells in you as well.  For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of god, which is in your through the laying on of my hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, nor of me His prisoner, but share in suffering for the gospel by the power of God, who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of His own purpose and grace, which He have us in Christ Jesus before the ages began, and which now has manifested through the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel, for which I was appointed a preacher and apostle and teacher, which is why I suffer as I do.  But I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that He is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me.

Follow the pattern of the sounds words that you have heard from me, in the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.  By the Holy Spirit who dwells within us, guard the good deposit entrusted to you." (2 Timothy 1:3-14, ESV)

Elijah and Elisha: Elisha

(Below is a letter I recently received from a dear friend.  Portions have been edited/omitted for privacy's sake.)

Dear Danika, 


I know how much you enjoy getting real mail.


I've had a few good conversations lately, with two people I know.  Neither was extremely focused; they felt like the way you would debrief someone after coming back from a mission trip--you tell them what God has done/is doing in your life.  It encourages them and grows their faith.  I feel like I've been doing that a lot, lately.


I thought of you a few days ago.  It seems as though you have been gone much longer than you really have.  I heard the intensive went well.  Yay!  I'm sure the next couple of weeks will be quite busy for you, as you go ahead and get ahead with your work for the semester, like you usually do.  I look forward to what God's going to use you to do this year.  I have no doubt that you will do great things for the glory of God.  After all, you already are.  


On Sunday night, we had small groups again.  It was the first time we were all together since classes ended last semester.  As you know, I had long since since been praying about who to disciple.  Earlier that day, I had read a chapter in Shane Claiborne's "Lead Me to Freedom" called "Who to Lead."  No coincidence.  The girl I had chosen showed up at my small group.  Unknowingly, she was put with me for a discussion question thing that we do, and later she sat with me to watch the video Bible study thing that we do.  It was on the theology of creation in Genesis, and the future of the church in a corrupt and immoral society.  She asked really good questions.  This girl gets it.  I smile.  She reminds me of myself, a bit.  I'm thoroughly amused, and excited to see what God does with her as well.  


(Elijah sought out Elisha; talk about a flashback.) 


On the other hand, it kind of freaked me out.  When I got home last night, it really hit me.  Life is fully going.  Let me explain.  When I think about it, I realize I'm about the same age you were when you met me.  It's like Elijah and Elisha all over again.  The thought scared me at first.  It was a sad thought, really.  Elijah was taken from Elisha, you know.  It's just weird to find myself in the same place you were a few years ago, especially since we're so similar.  Life has come full circle, in a sense.  When I thought about this, I can't say I didn't wonder if perhaps God has accomplished all that He has intended to use you for, as Elijah, in my life.  I don't know that for certain; I can't.  But I believe it to be true; I think so.  


I really hope you aren't crying, reading this.  I cried the last time I was with you.  Maybe I knew then, and perhaps that's why I cried.  


Every day seems so long, but things happen so fast.  I find myself asking God many hard questions as of late.  It's very much a "Where do we go from here?" sort of thing.  I'm going away for the summer, and then to college after a semester, and after that--eventually--the mission field.  And you will be working with Jews, someplace.  E. E. Cummings once said, "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."  It feels like such a long time has passed.  And that's where we are now.  It's such a cliche thing to say, but it makes sense.  


I have seen so much grace and mercy and love poured out over the past few years.  Neither of us is the same at all.  I know you've said that you love seeing me, now that I'm older.  It's quite the same with you, too; I love seeing what God is doing with you as well.  And I can't believe that this seems to be it.  It's so weird.  I'm not saying we won't be friends--of course we will!  We'll be the best of friends.  But I will miss Elijah.  In fact, that's sort of how I'm always going to think of you--as Elijah.  


Alright; I know you're probably crying or laughing right now, because you tend to do that when I write you.  But I just wanted to tell you that.


God is most certainly about to move, here.  I can feel it in the air, just like you can tell when it's about to rain.  I am quite glad this season in my life is ending.  Surely, God has greater things to do next, whatever they may be.  It's going to be a crazy journey, but I'm up for it.  


I climbed to the top of a parking deck in the city this weekend and looked out over the projects.  Twinkling lights dotted the land as far as I could see into the darkness.  The view reminded me of how big God is, and of my calling.  It made me terribly homesick for heaven.  And somehow, that seems to be the best sort of closure.  I am certain that God couldn't be any more faithful.  We are so blessed, love.  God is doing a very good work.  He is always with us, and has much more to teach us.  I am so grateful He put you in my life.


I hope you are encouraged.  I hope you're closer to God than you have ever been before.  Know that I am praying for you, always.  I love you so very much.


Love,


Elisha

Every Time I Breathe

I am sure all of heaven's heard me cry
As I tell You all the reasons why 
This life is just too hard
By day by day, without fail 
I'm finding everything I need
And everything that You are to me


Every time I breathe You seem a little bit closer
I never want to leave 
I want to stay in Your warm embrace
Basking in the glory shining from Your face 
And every time I get another glimpse of Your heart
I realize it's true
That You are so marvelous, God
And I am so in love with You


Now how could I, after knowing One so great
Respond to You in any way
That's less than all I have to give?
But by Your grace I want to love You
Not with what I say, but every day
In the way my life is lived


Wrapped in Your mercy I want to live
And never leave
I am held by how humble
And overwhelmed by Your majesty
Captured by grace now I'm finding
I am free
You are marvelous, God
And knowing You is everything


("Every Time I Breathe," by Big Daddy Weave)




Writer's block is frustrating.  So many thoughts, but no words.  I sat down to my computer so many times, intending to write an end-of-year post, but I was at a loss as to how I could even begin to put the past year down in writing.  There have been towering mountains and plunging valleys along my spiritual journey this year; great joy, and great pain.  Even thinking about it is sobering.

New Year's Eve has long been my favorite holiday; the old is passing away, and the new is coming.  Last night's bonfire was the perfect way to celebrate.  The smell of woodsmoke, and the sight of sparks flying upward into the clear, starry sky above was breathtakingly beautiful, and brought relief and rest to my spirit.  Nearer to midnight, I was playing praise and worship songs on my guitar when I came across "Every Time I Breathe" in my songbook.  Perfect.

As I played and sang--and the New Year rang in--I realized what all of the events of the past year have in common.  So many times throughout 2010 I would pray, "Lord, draw me closer to you."  And He has been faithful to answer that prayer.  Through the calm and through the storm, He has never let me go, and is ever and always drawing me closer to Him.

The more I seek You
The more I find You


The more I find You
The more I love You


I want to sit at Your feet
Drink from the cup in Your hand
Lay back against You and breathe
Feel Your heart beat
This love is so deep
It's more than I can stand
I melt in Your peace
It's overwhelming


("The More I Seek You," by Kari Jobe)


"You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart."  (Jeremiah 29:13, ESV)


God never answers prayer the way I expect Him to; I suppose I ought to learn to expect the unexpected.  But He is always faithful to answer, and He never fails to seek the best for His beloved.  I have spent the past year learning to trust Him on an entirely different level; I have been to a desperate place of prayer, knowing that nothing and no one could save me apart from my God.  I have prayed, "Increase my faith!"  I have prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me.  Yet not as I will, but as You will."  I have prayed, "The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."  I have sat in silence and waited in acute anticipation of an answer... meanwhile the answer was being worked out in my heart as I waited.

He is faithful even when I am faithless; He has grown me up in faith, in the past year.  But I find this paradox at work--whenever I grow, I find that there is more of God to know.  Every year I grow, I find Him bigger.  Therefore, my prayer for the New Year is this, that I  might trust in the Lord with all my heart, and not lean on my own understanding, and to acknowledge Him in all my ways... and give Him glory.

Lead Me

Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams
But what about us?


Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone


("Lead Me," by Sanctus Real)


Revelations tend to hit me at two or three in the morning, when talking to good friends.  This one was no exception.  I have gone the whole of my Christian life without a mentor.  I have had people of great influence in my life, and I do not want to belittle anything that they have done; they have helped me immeasurably and have been an integral part of shaping my character.  I am grateful to them; they have taught me many things.  But I have always wished and prayed for something more... and I have almost given up on finding it.

Perhaps it would be helpful if I gave my definition of a mentor.  Early in my Christian walk, I looked long and hard for a mentor.  But my search was in vain.  Do you know why?  Because first and foremost, a mentor is an initiator.  A mentor is a person who can see in you what you cannot yet see in yourself.  A mentor is a person who can see the potential through all the pride and pretensions, and who makes it the object of their life to draw that potential out into the open.  I could ask a thousand people what they see in me; a mentor is a person who has seen it already.  It didn't do me any good to go looking for a mentor... because the mentor was supposed to have been looking for me.

"So Elijah went and found Elisha son of Shaphat plowing a field.  There were twelve teams of oxen in the field, and Elisha was plowing with the twelfth team.  Elijah went over to him and threw his cloak across his shoulders and then walked away.  Elisha left the oxen standing there, ran after Elijah, and said to him, 'First let me go and kiss my father and mother goodbye, and then I will go with you!'  Elijah replied, 'Go on back, but think about what I have done to you." (1 Kings 19:19-20, NLT)


It is of no little importance that Elijah, the greatest prophet of his day, sought out his successor, Elisha.  Elijah found his young protégé hard at his regular work; Elisha was no slacker.  He was doing all that he knew to do.  But Elijah knew, because God had revealed it to him, that Elisha was destined to do greater things.  In one majestic and meaningful moment, the great prophet threw his own cloak over the shoulders of the young man and began to walk away--a clear invitation for Elisha to follow; to become all that Elijah was, and more.

For the next twenty years, Elisha would follow hard on Elijah's heels, seeking to become a holy man just like him.  Elijah invested himself in raising up Elisha to lead after him; he poured himself into Elisha's life, and spent himself for the sake of that one young man.  A mentor is not only an initiator; a mentor is also an investor.  Do you think it is any small coincidence that Christ himself spent most of his earthly ministry with a group of just twelve un-extraordinary young men?  And out of those twelve, he gave special attention to just three--Peter, James and John.  What was going on there?  Favoritism?  No!  Mentorship!

"'The person who trusts Me will not only do what I'm doing, but even greater things, because I, on My way to the Father, am giving you the same work to do that I've been doing.'"  (John 14:12, MSG)

Jesus knew that He was not long for this world; so he invested what time He had in those who would carry on His work after He had returned to His Father.  He gave all that He had in the short term, because He was thinking long-term; He saw far beyond the snapshot to the bigger picture.  Christ taught his disciples; He talked with and listened to them.  He spent countless hours with them.  He prayed for them.  He was not expecting an immediate return on His investment, and he received none--in His hour of greatest need, all but one of the twelve men he had poured three years of his life into, deserted Him.  But all save one went on to become the greatest leaders history has ever known; their message has spread to the ends of the earth; they changed the world.  This is the kind of self-sacrifice mentorship demands.  To be a mentor is to invest your whole self in another person; it is a risk, and you may never see a reward.   Count the cost!  Is it worth it?

"'I will very gladly spend and be spent for your souls; though the more abundantly I love you, the less I am loved.'"  (2 Corinthians 12:15, NKJV)

"Sometimes leadership is planting trees under whose shade you will never sit."  -Jennifer Granholm

Mentors are not only initiators and investors; they are also inspirers.  Their lives are exemplary; admirable and integrous.  Their depth of character convicts and incites others to action.  Their love for God is staggering.  Other people see them and think, "I want to be just like them."  Mentors have first been taught by God; passed like silver through the refining fires of trial and hardship.  Their journey with God has been strenuous; they have been pushed to the very limits of their faith.  A mentor is one who walks closely with God; who follows hard after Him.  That intimacy, lived out, is what draws the attention of others.  That is what puts an ache into the hearts of those who see.  That is the reason Elisha left the oxen standing in the field; that is the reason Peter, James and John abandoned their nets.  That is the reason the Apostle Paul could say:

"Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ."  (1 Corinthians 11:1, NIV)

A mentor requires no other qualifications or credentials than a relationship with God and a call from Him.  Christians are called to live lives of influence; they are called to mentor and to disciple!  Feelings of unworthiness do not exempt anyone!  Before he sought out Elisha, Elijah was hiding out in the desert, begging God to let him die.  He was utterly discouraged and despairing.  It took a glimpse of God's glory, and the intimacy of a whisper, to remind Elijah of his passion and purpose.  And the first task God set him?  Raising up leaders.  (1 Kings 19:1-18)

So, Father, give me the strength

To be everything I'm called to be

Oh, Father, show me the way to lead them

Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands

To stand up when they can't

So we can call this our home

Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

("Lead Me," by Sanctus Real)

Who, I wonder, will seek me out?  I am hard at my regular work!  Come and find me!  Surely you can see something yet to be drawn out in me?  Throw your cloak over my shoulders; I am willing to humble myself under you and be taught.  Are you willing to spend yourself for my sake?  I want to follow hard after you as you follow hard after Christ.  Lead me!

This is not just my prayer; this is the prayer of many young people!  Will you accept the call to mentorship?

One Life to Love

Teach me to number my days
Count every moment
Before it slips away
Take in all the colors
Before they fade to gray
I don't want to miss
Even just a second
More of of this


It happens in a blink
It happens in a flash
It happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight
But there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life?
It happens in a blink


When it's all said and done
No one remembers 
How far we have run
The only thing that matters
Is how we have loved
I don't want to miss
Even just a second
More of this


Slow down, slow down
Before today becomes our yesterday
Slow down, slow down
Before you turn around and it's too late


("Blink," by Revive)



Ah... what to say?  What to say?  I am at a loss for words.  I have cried so much.  My head is throbbing, and there is an ache in my chest that will not go away.  One of my dear friends, Jonathan Schipper, who is like a brother to me, was shot and killed in the MACU dormitory on Sunday afternoon by another student.  The last time I saw Jon, I told him that I loved him, but I didn't let him give me a hug goodnight.  Oh, oh, how I wish I had.  How I wish I could go back, and hold him close.  But life doesn't work that way.  There is no rewind button.

Rumors are flying.  Cameras and reporters are on campus.  I would like to punch a few people in the face.  Shut up.  Go away.  Leave us in peace.  These are things I would like to say... but I don't.  Today I walked down to East Campus, to the Ebenezer Stone.  "Thus far has the LORD helped us," the inscription reads.  Jon loved to walk down there; it was where he talked with God, and did battle with Satan, on behalf of his family, his friends and his school.  I walked down there to be alone, to cry, and to say, "Love you, miss you, see you."  Schipper never said goodbye, and he hated to hear those words from anyone else.  It was always, "Love you,  miss you, see you."  And we will.

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times, I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you?


I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is
Then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through, somehow?
I've never been more homesick than now


Help me, Lord, 'cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why, I wonder if I'll ever know?
But even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
'Cause I'm still here so far away from home


In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold on to Jesus with all that I have
To see you again


("Homesick," by MercyMe)


To live is Christ... to die is gain.  And I'm torn between the two.  Our loss is Jon's gain; I know he's looking down at me and growling at me the way he used to whenever I was upset... Chin up, darlin'.  I rejoiced with laughter when it dawned on me for the first time, that Jon not only got to meet his Maker on Sunday afternoon, but also his two siblings, whom he loved very dearly.  What a happy reunion that must have been!  He is well remembered; I spent the afternoon and evening with our closest friends; we took turns talking about his quirks, telling stories and jokes on him like we always have--Schipper loved it when we joked on him about his puns, or about being an "old man."  He lived vicariously through Wolverine, the character from the X-Men comics. We've had plenty of laughs imagining that when Peter met Jon at the gate with his crown, Jon said, "I'll pass on the crown; I'd rather have the claws."  Ah... Logan... how I love you.

We have more of Jon than mere memories, though.  We have his legacy.  He had great love and passion for children yet to be born; that passion led him to encourage a friend to have her baby despite severe health risks, and all advice to the contrary from doctors.  She decided not to heed their advice, but to listen to Jon and trust in God.  Doctors are now eating their words.  A child will be a born because of Jonathan Schipper; for that, I cry happy tears.

Jon loved to get us all together to pray; on Sunday night, after we learned of his death, the entire student body gathered in the chapel to pray.  MACU alumni in forty-five states and thirteen countries were praying with us.  Sister schools and churches all over the world were praying with us.  We are all praying, still.  I'm sure he is very pleased with himself.  I laughed out loud when I first thought of that, leaned over and whispered it to another friend, who also laughed out loud before wrapping his arms around me and telling me that he would pretend I was crying, so people wouldn't judge me.  I laughed harder--who cares what people think?  Schipper never did.

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to you enough to make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace 
Who blessed Your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy


("Legacy," Nichole Nordeman)


They called for open mic during the prayer service, so people could share a memory, a verse, a thought, or a prayer if they so chose.  All those who shared memories spoke of the love they could see in Schipper.  He made a point of saying hello to everyone he knew, whenever he saw them.  When Schipper asked how you were doing, he meant for you to tell him--he wouldn't be put off by a casual, "I'm fine."  He got to know a lot of the freshmen, this year.  He wanted to know them; he wanted them to feel like a part of the MACU family. Jon used to talk to me about his warrior spirit; I used to tell him he was a lover, not a fighter.  I now believe he is both.  He fought to love, and he fought for those he loved in prayer.  I know he did battle with Satan on my behalf this summer, when I was struggling with the sin of hatred and a spirit of unforgiveness.  Oh... how he loved.


You only get just one time around
You only get one shot at this
One chance to find out
The one thing that you don't want to miss
One day when it's all said and done
I hope you see that it was enough
This one ride
One try
One life to love


("One Life to Love," by 33 Miles)


When I went down to the Ebenezer Stone today, I talked with Jon for just a little while; I felt that I had a few things to say:

"Logan... you know I hate making promises, and that I don't make promises I can't keep.  But I promise I'll keep my chin up.  I promise I won't give up.  I promise I'll press forward, and do what God has called me to do.  And I promise I will love."


"Be alert.  Continue strong in the faith.  Have courage, and be strong.  Do everything in love."


-1 Corinthians 16:13-14, NCV




(I request that readers be in prayer for Mid-Atlantic Christian University, for the Schipper family, for the family of the other student involved, and for those who were close to both students.  Pray for truth, love, and peace.  God bless.)

All I Can Say

Lord I'm tired

So tired from walking

And Lord I'm so alone

And Lord the dark

Is creeping in

Is creeping up

To swallow me

I think I'll stop

Rest here awhile


And didn't You see me crying?

And didn't You hear me call Your name?

And wasn't it You I gave my heart to?

Wish You'd remember where You sat it down


And this is all

This is all that I can say right now

This is all that I can give

I know it's not much

This is all that I can say right now

This is all that I can give

That's my everything


I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that that was You holding me
I didn't notice You were crying too
I didn't know that that was You washing my feet


("All I Can Say," by David Crowder Band)




Sometimes I just get tired.  It's hard to explain what I mean by that statement.  I just get thoroughly worn out--physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  Every so often (and more frequently of late), I find myself in tired, frustrated, lonely tears.  I pray; I read my Bible.  I find comfort there.  But sometimes it's just not enough.  Sometimes when I pray, words just won't come, and I end up crying again and saying, "God, please..." because I don't know what to ask for.  And sometimes when I read my Bible, I struggle to understand (or I do understand, but I struggle to accept the teaching).

How nice it would be if my days turned to sunshine simply because I remembered my morning devotions and took the time to pray!

In times like these, I usually want one of two things (or sometimes both): A really big hug and some strong encouragement, or some serious solitude, where my soul can be refreshed.  I took a walk the other night and talked with God, wrestling with Him as I struggled to master my heart.  It is usually easy for me to wrap my mind around the things God asks of me; my heart is another matter.  I tried explaining to a friend once:  "Most of the time I'm all right, but sometimes I just feel like telling God, 'That's just too hard!'"

When I was a young Christian, just starting out in my walk with God, I used to pray that God would give me a hard task, one that no one else could do.  And He has done so; I have been consecrated for this single, holy purpose.  I prayed for a hard task; should I be surprised, or angry with God, for answering that prayer?  I am so very grateful for the impetuous, faith-filled prayers that marked the beginning of my walk with God; I will not lie--I think twice now before I pray for something, counting the cost.  Because God does indeed answer prayers; He just doesn't always answer in the way I would like, and He never answers in the way I would expect!  Answered prayers can be painful, at times.

Some people might dismiss these times of spiritual weariness as depression; but it's not that simple.  When Satan has worn away at me like water dripping on a rock, no amount of cheering up is going to soothe the soreness of my soul.  It takes prayer--my prayers, the intercession of my friends, and the intercession of the Holy Spirit.  At all times, I am engaged in spiritual warfare; but sometimes I just need to drop my sword and cry for awhile.  It's not a sin to be sad, nor are tears and pain an indication of faithlessness.  Just take a look at the the story of Job or the psalms of David.  Having been weary with sorrow to the point of death Himself, I know that my Lord knows my pain and aches with me.  When I run into my Father's arms, He catches me and holds me close; He lets me cry myself to sleep in His arms.  When I wake, He bolsters my strength and reminds me of His, as He did for Elijah in the desert.  Only then can I take up my sword again to do battle.

"[The LORD] gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might, He increases strength.  Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young man shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."


-Isaiah 40:29-31, NKJV

I See Christ

(Below is a song written today for a beloved friend, entitled, "I See Christ.")


I see love
Reflected in your eyes
I have called you friend
But you have been
So much more


You have been His outstretched arms
You have been His broken heart
You've been His hands washing my feet
You've been His voice whispering so sweet
I've seen His love shine in your eyes
And when I look at you
I don't see a man
I see Christ


I see grace
Reflected in your life
A comrade brave and true
Just look at you
Strong warrior


You have been His outstretched arms
You have been His broken heart
You've been His hands washing my feet
You've been His voice whispering so sweet
I've seen His love shine through your life
And when I look at you
I don't see a man
I see Christ


Every time you've wiped my tears
Every time you've calmed my fears
Every time I've heard you say,
"I love you and you know I'll pray,"
You help me fight for one more day


You have been His outstretched arms
You have been His broken heart
You've been His hands washing my feet
You've been His voice whispering so sweet
And I know you'd lay down your life
So when I look at you
I don't see a man
I see Christ

Learning to Be a Living Sacrifice

Empty hands held high
Such small sacrifice
If not joined with my life
I sing in vain tonight

Lord, I give my life

A living sacrifice

To reach a world in need

To be Your hands and feet

May the words I say
And the things I do
Make my lifesong sing
Bring a smile to you


Let my lifesong sing to You
Let my lifesong sing to You
I want to sign Your name
To the end of this day
Knowing that my heart was true
Let my lifesong sing to You


Hallelujah, hallelujah
Let my lifesong sing to you


("Lifesong," by Casting Crowns)




"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life--your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life--and place it before God as an offering.  Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him.  Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking.  Instead, fix your attention on God.  You'll be changed from the inside out.  Readily recognize what He wants from you, and quickly respond to it.  Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings out the best of you, develops well formed maturity in you."


-Romans 12:1-2, MSG




I've been back at Mid-Atlantic Christian University for the first two weeks of the fall semester, and it feels good to be back!  It feels like being home.  It's been a crazy two weeks--an intensive course in linguistics, the first week of regular classes, church, volunteering with the church's youth group as a youth leader and member of the worship band--I feel like I've hardly had time to sit down, except in class!  I know the craziness will die down in another week or so as I get back into the swing of things and settle into a regular routine, but with 21 credit hours in addition to everything I want to be a part of outside of classes, I know I will keep very busy!


More than being crazy, though, these two weeks have been packed with spiritual warfare.  Satan attacked me with deep, painful loneliness the very first week.  It seemed strange to me, to be so excited to meet the incoming freshmen, and so overjoyed to see the friends--no, family--I had been separated from all summer, and yet feel so terribly alone.  Nevertheless, loneliness was Satan's weapon of choice, and he used it to his full advantage.  It did not, however, have the effect he was hoping for.  I was discouraged and downcast--yes, there were many tears--but rather than turning me from God, it drove me to Him.


My prayer life has been revived in these first two weeks of school; I am filled with an almost giddy sort of happiness as I type those words.  I have known since I became a Christian five years ago that prayer was the lifeblood of my relationship with my Father God, and when I was a new Christian, I prayed all the time.  I carried my prayer journal everywhere, just in case I had a few moments where I could sit and talk with God.  About two years into my walk, though, prayer became very difficult.  It became more of a task than a talk; my prayers became fewer and farther between as time went on, interspersed with brief periods of revival that never seemed to last.  I knew the power of prayer and understood it, believed in it, and preached it.  Prayer affected great change in my life and in the lives of those around me.  I knew the difference between prayer that was alive and prayer that was just going through the motions.  It's been a very long time since my consistent prayers were more than going through the motions.  Because of the faith-increasing trials of this summer, I have put my heart back into my prayer life.


"Desire gives fervor to prayer.  The soul cannot be listless when some great desire fixes and inflames it.  Strong desires make strong prayers.  The neglect of prayer is the fearful token of dead spiritual desires."


-E. M. Bounds


The one thing I desire
Is just to know You more
To live a life that moves and breathes
And loves to bring You joy
So fill me with a fire
That burns away my doubts and all my fears
Into a place where You are all I hear
It's the one thing I desire
To do what You require
Is the one thing I desire


("I Desire," by Natalie Grant)


My great desire--not just while I am here at school, but always--is to know and love God increasingly, and to love Him and live Him into other people's lives as much as I possibly can, to the best of my ability.  That may sound pretentious, but I do not claim to desire this at all times.  Sometimes my desires are totally selfish.  But in my best moments, when I am surrendering to God, this is ALL I want.

Often, and especially in the past two weeks, this desire leads me to do things that are beyond the scope of my abilities, like taking so many classes or doing lead vocals and playing guitar for the youth worship band, when I only just learned to play and can only play a handful of songs!  But an excerpt from my prayer journal yesterday morning illustrates my thoughts on that matter:

"I feel as though I am in a little over my head, here.  But that's okay, because it means that I have to depend on You to get me through."

I don't have a whole lot to offer; but I can offer all of what I do have.  I may not be the smartest, but I can devote all my mental faculties to learning the material for these courses at school.  I may not be the most organized, but I can discipline myself to being orderly, getting things done on time, and being where I'm supposed to be when I'm supposed to be there.  I may not know everything there is to know about Scripture, nor do I always apply it, but I can share and teach what I do know, and I can study daily to learn and apply even more.  I may not be the best musician, but I can make a concerted effort to push myself and learn to play, and if what little ability I have gained thus far is useful to God, then who am I to argue?  I wonder if the widow doubted herself before she gave her mite?

Little is much when God's in it
And no one can fathom the plans He holds
Little is much when God's in it
He changes the world with the seeds we sow
Little is much


("Little Is Much," by Downhere)

If God's purpose this summer was to increase my faith, and show me that nothing is impossible for Him, then I would have to conclude from my observations thus far that this semester His purpose is going to be teaching me to live out that faith--not just in the obvious ways, such as my missionary training here at school, my church involvement, and my personal devotional life, but also in the inconspicuous ways that no one would notice... in the ways that I myself might not even notice!

I may never know the impact I have on others; the little things I say and do may go no farther than myself, or they may create a ripple effect, with consequences that reach far beyond myself, my circle of friends, my school, or my community.  Keeping this uncertainty in mind, I realize that I always need to be mindful of my words and actions.  Every act is an act of worship; but not every act honors God.  Some of my actions demonstrate my worship of self, or my worship of others, or my worship of security.  It is difficult to wrap my brain around the concept of offering even the smallest details of my life to God as an offering, but it is not a hard concept to wrap my heart around.  God cares about small details; He even knows the number of hairs on my head.  Why shouldn't He care about the minute details that make up my person and character?

Change my heart, O God
Make it ever true
Change my heart, O God
May I be like You


You are the Potter
I am the clay
Mold me and make me
This is what I pray


("Change My Heart, O God," by Eddie Espinosa)


I look forward to seeing what God has in store for me as He builds my identity and integrity this semester in a way that pleases Him.